itās like, I know in my head that in the grand scheme of things what happened wasnāt that bad compared to a lot of stuff. and I know itās kind of fucked up that Iām more fucked up over that than I was over my family members dying. |D
but they were always going to die, thatās what happens when you have a terminal disease like ALS or Alzheimerās. thereās no sugarcoating it. it just happens. itās inevitable.
but here, my favorite game is tormenting myself with the idea that I could have done something. and that it was my fault. even though in a way it wasnāt, Pengy would have found some way to launch their smear campaign, it was only a matter of time.
but I canāt ever know that for sure, because I will never, ever speak to them again. I canāt.Ā
and I guess itās also the fact that letting it all happen, letting them fight for themselves against Pengyās bullshit, was so useless because those relationships collapsed too. I couldnāt save any of my friendships, I couldnāt even save myself with my apologies and pleas for it to stop. I was completely powerless.Ā
and I just worry, in the back of my head, that every friend group I have is going to fall apart. that one did. Cult did, though I was a lot less torn up over being kicked out from that. FoF drifted apart.Ā
I donāt know. Sometimes I just feel like bad luck. that thereās something about me that makes me unimportant except for people to get things out of me. that even if people like me, one day Iām just going to ruin it somehow because thatās what I do, and that Iām selfish for even wanting people around me because Iām so emotional and volatile and who knows how Iāll wind up hurting them.Ā
