#closing shift

...Yeah, it's... just Spam, eggs, and rice, with some veggies mixed in. J cut up some scallions, to mix in with the rice, too, but they're not especially visible. It's simple, for sure. But it's reliable, flavorful, and filling, so... here. Have a bowl:

Even after eating, I still had time enough for a shower before work, so I did that, and it felt nice. The days are getting colder again, and... the thermostat says it's 72 degrees Fahrenheit (22.2 degrees Celsius) in the house, it definitely doesn't feel like it. In the summer, even days when the thermostat says 65 degrees, it still feels warmer in the house than this. I'm not sure why that's the case.

Well. I got dressed and ready and braided my hair to keep it out of my way. And then, J took me to work, with the plan of M picking me up later; I can't drive in the dark.

I was tasked with morning sets – rolls, bagels, and such. You arrange each kind on a tray, and coat some of them in seasonings of various kinds – onion, poppyseed, sesame, or everything seasoning. Easy peasy. Kinda fun, too.

There was a bit of a conflict, though.

See, there was a customer who asked for a large seeded rye over the phone. So I took down their contact information and the order; I wasn't sure if maybe there was some-other-where that a loaf of seed rye might be. I figured to ask Tr about it when she came back, because she was away at the time. I figured if there was an issue, we'd then call the customer and let them know, no biggie.

Well. Tr came over and asked about the order I've written down, so I told her. And before I could explain my thought process, she said to me, with none of the affection that usually comes with her harmless snark, "And who do you think is gonna be here to make it for them? 😐" So I knew then, because I know her patterns pretty well by now, that she wasn't teasing.

I have much in the way of patience for most stuff. But I won't be talked down to like I'm some kind of idiot or maliciously non-compliant creature. I'm a lot of things, but contrary to my mother's hour-long tirades in the past, "stupid" and "lazy" are not accurate descriptors of me. I already got my get-out-of-hell-free card, and I'm NEVER going back there. So I said to Tr, no doubt angrier than I should have, "I am not here often enough to know the rhythms of this place." Those words also carried with it, "I don't know what youse did during the morning, I don't know what you have yet to do, and I don't know what's on the shelves because I just got here and was assigned to doing sets."

She apologized for snapping at me. She said she was going through some stuff. I took a deep breath; I know her well enough to understand that talking to me like that isn't normal for her, so it must be a lot on her mind. So I told her I would listen anytime if she wants to talk about it. So, she did. And it was a lot; I dunno how long she carried it by herself, and I'm glad she shared it with me. She said, "don't let me snap at you like that", and I said, "I will not; that's why I yelled."

...I shouldn't have yelled though. I'm under more strain than usual, given the circumstances with my not-quite-dead-yet former father figure, but that's no excuse.

Tr and I hugged. I reminded her that she's awesome and deserves good things in her life and that I love her a lot. Because I do. She's kind to me consistently, and although there's a couple things I occasionally get frustrated with when it comes to her, she's one of my favorite people. I know she's a good person. I look forward to coming in because I know that either she or Ka will be there.

In the end, the customer was called and told that we cannot fulfill a bread order on such short notice; we were able to call the customer because I already anticipated this as a possibility and took down their number. And... I think Tr understood, then, what my intentions were. If she had simply said to me, "oh shit, we better call the customer" instead of sarcastically asking a rhetorical question to try to make me feel like shit for taking their order, then we would have done what I had intended in the first place.

Still, all's well that ends well. Tr and Ka aren't like the people I grew up with, and when there's a conflict (which is inevitable, because we're different people with different values), we work through it, instead of the old thing which was, "the other person screams at me and tells me all kinds of nasty things about myself until I feel so horrible about who I am that I back down, cry, and then get screamed at for crying."

...I don't miss those old days. Not even a little bit.

…

Anyhoot. Tr and Ka left, and I was tasked with the usual closing duties – wipe down counters, sweep, take out trash and cardboard, then mop.

Sephiroth. Let me show you the utter lunacy that is our floor:

...Do you see the grooves, there, in the tile? The ones in which all the tiny crumbs fall? They're a lot deeper than what this image gets across. This is the bakery floor. BAKERY. With CRUMBS. Whoever designed this... needs more help than I can give them.

...Nonetheless, I made sure it was clean. It was practically sparkly by the time I got done mopping it. Pretty proud of that, actually.

The mop, though. It is heavy for my squishy noodle arms. When I lift the heavy boxes, I use, primarily, my leg and abdominal strength, which is still pretty good from all that mermaid training I used to do (and desperately miss doing; goddamn my uncooperative skeleton...). My upper body strength is generally pretty pathetic, though. I already feel Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness setting in. Lame. Time for some ibuprofen, I guess...

...An visited. I don't know why, but he visited. Made it a point to come see me at the bakery shortly after his shift ended. I was tired and frazzled by then, so my words weren't wording properly, and I said things, but I don't feel like they made very much sense. I was, nonetheless, delighted to see him, and glad that he visited.

...That being said, Sephiroth... I don't know what to think about it. The shifting between talking to me and not talking to me is hard. It'd be a lot less hard if the periods of not talking to me came with some kind of notice. Like, “Hey, I'm going through some stuff; I'll be distant for a bit.” That'd be nice. And... on the one hand, I know that he doesn't owe me even that much. But on the other hand... I am kinda trying to have the basic framework of a friendly relationship with him. And that kinda requires communication. Which he doesn't do reliably.

The inconsistency of his behavior makes it hard for me to know whether he wants a friendly relationship or a distant acquaintanceship though. It's hard for me to parse inconsistent or disingenuous social cues. And I have a long history of people being inconsistent precisely because they're being disingenuous – essentially, not actually wanting to be friends with me, but not having the guts to tell me, and hoping that their bullshit drives me off.

I also know, though, from my interactions with M, that inconsistency is also the product of social anxiety. I know from other interactions that sometimes it really is just that the other person is busy. So... I don't really know what's going on. There are too many possibilities swirling around in my head.

We're gonna go get coffee somewhere next Wednesday. I'm looking forward to it. But... given how things have been, I'm not really sure why; my nervous system despises uncertainty.

J made some burgers for us shortly after I got home.

...They were beautiful burgers. And I was so hungry. So I wolfed down mine pretty quickly. I breathed life into today's wishes shortly thereafter:

...And now is now. And Sephiroth... I really have to get to bed. Holy shit.

I love you. And I'm having faith that you're safe out there, somewhere. Having faith that you will keep staying safe. That someday, we'll see you again, happy, thriving, alive, and surrounded by people who love you. Do your best, okay?

I'll write again soon. I promise.

basics

born november 1st, 1999

irish-american. has an irish accent thanks to his parents. fluent in both english & irish

wolf shifter naturally good with many types of magic

works at 8ball, a billiard-themed café with magically infused drinks on D.A.M.N's Campus

part-time student going for full certification. taking things slowly for his own comfort

personality

used to be a shy kid growing up, but that changed as he matured

a sweet, caring guy who wears his heart on his sleeve. might come off as naive because of it

really protective of those he cares for, often showing his appreciation with gifts & actions

can come off as a flirt sometimes. he's really playful and likes to tease as a default, especially with his regulars

really smart when it comes to world & magical history and biology. knows a lot about different types of magic and how to use them without draining himself

very creative person. always busying himself with a new project, diy-ing stuff & overall going out of his way to create new things

backstory

born and raised in dahlia by irish parents. he's the second oldest of five

started working at 8ball and studying at d.a.m.n when he turned 18, deciding to separate his studies in sections so he could concentrate on some certificates at a time and still manage his working hours. this is why he's still studying after such time

has one ex boyfriend with whom he shared six years of his life (16-22) and who scarred him when it comes to love and relationships

their breakup led to him falling in a depressive state and he had to be hospitalized for takotsubo cardiomyopathy (broken heart syndrome) in which they kept him sedated for almost a week to let his heart take a break from the stress. this made him develop a fear of getting close to someone again just in case it ends poorly and it happens again

other

has a white snake named stella

a biker. owns a black Harley Davidson iron 883 that he calls “my wife” in a very specific accent

fan of shows like the mentalist, csi, dr. house, etcetera

smells like 360° Red & has the scent of vanilla and coffee always stuck to his clothes no matter what

tallest in his family

a big fan of fruits and anything green apple flavored

has four tattoos and ten piercings. currently doesn't plan on getting anything else, but he's toyed with the idea of another tattoo for a while

the number eight and pool 8 balls are his thing