#closing off

So had my therapy session last Wednesday with made some break through with the the way I think. I thought maybe I was triggered by the event because of the divorce. The feeling of abandonment and that I am enough didn’t start there. it came all the way back from my childhood, from my father leaving and then denying that we were his kids to my family’s lack of support, specially mama’s love only when she needs something and my aunt’s disapproval of my so called “divorce lies”. yep. Years of pain and unresolved issues.

Which also leads to more and more I am discovering that things are not being shared with me. About J and H meeting up. Would she have shared this before with me? Maybe. Maybe not. But I am trying not to get jealous. Not to feel that I am not part of her life. I am. JUST A PART. I AM NOT HER ENTIRE LIFE NOR IS SHE ENTITLED TO KNOW EVERYTHING.

My therapist told me that now, instead of being hurt, I haven’t told J anything remotely personal to me. That’s how I cope. I close off. Because now I don’t trust her to accept me (and in my brain, she does in her own way) and my issues. So I need to address it. I’ve been quiet about my own insecurities.

One image in my head that appeared was like we were both jigsaw puzzles when we both first saw each other. We fit. Now, we’re like two different pieces from a different puzzle and we don’t fit any more.

Well I don’t think I agree with your statement. And granted, we are entitled to our opinions. Let me tell you what I think. Whilst it is true that keeping people again prevent you from getting hurt and hurting others, you are also preventing yourself from any possible source of happiness. You are not getting hurt but you’re not happy either. Do you see the flaw in that? Shouldn’t we try to be happy? It’s hard, yes, but sometimes the pain is worth it. Sometimes we have to risk getting hurt to be extremely happy and it is not always that those beautiful happy moments are taken away from us. 

I used to know a guy. He made me so so so so so happy. He was my best friend and I didn’t really think there would ever be a day where we didn’t talk to each other. For five years that was our relationship. Then one day it changed. He got a girlfriend and that changed our dynamic. Eventually our relationship turned sour and we are no longer friends, although it pains me to think about him til this day i would not have traded it for anything else. Knowing that kind of friendship, having that kind of trust with someone, it was all worth it. it proved to me that we may get hurt but those kinds of relationships and bonds aren’t impossible. 

So yeah it sucks that we’re not friends and that I get sad sometimes but the good times we have together outweighs the bad times. What i learned from him means more to me than some fights. So yes you can prevent yourself from getting hurt but you’re also preventing yourself from being happy. And by doing that you’re also preventing others from being happy. Someone’s happiness may lies with you without you even fully knowing. 

I don’t know what happened that made you want to close off, but i can promise you that opening up is the solution to this not the opposite. Reach out to other people. Rely on your friends. allow yourself that. You’re going to be more grateful than not. Allow yourself to protect your heart but also allow it to take some risks for the sake of happiness and contentment.