#clextia

When they broke apart her face had flushed in both happiness and horror. Her mind filling with thoughts of Costia, the kisses they’d shared and the relationship they had still yet to define years later, but they were mixed with thoughts of Clarke, her kindness and gentle manner, and how she desired to be close to both them so much.

She’d fumbled an excuse, rushing to the door as Clarke had called to her, snatching her shoes and jacket before stumbling into the hall. She didn’t know what to do. She loved them both so dearly and to lose either simply because she couldn’t control her feelings would hurt far too much to bear. They made life almost easy, lifting the darkness like nothing else had before. She didn’t think she’d be able to survive going back to such a dark place.

She felt her phone buzz several times in her pocket as she ran, down the stairs, through the lobby and onto the street. She passed the university, ran past the small strip mall, and past the park beyond that. She kept running, despite being far from her apartment, and far from Clarke, several blocks at least, because she knew if she stopped she would have to face the reality of the situation, would have to read the words Clarke had sent her. She ran until she couldn’t run anymore, her chest burned and her legs felt like they would collapse beneath her.

When she stopped she slumped against the nearest tree, breathing hard and ragged. She could feel wetness on her face and a burning in her eyes, sobs bubbling up in her throat. Sliding down to sit at the tree’s base, she finally looked at where she was. It took her a moment, a moment filled with panic at being lost and alone, but she soon recognized her surroundings, the flashing lights of the ‘Open’ sign from the bar many of the university’s students frequented and the flickering of the fluorescent lights of the laundromat right next to it.

She breathed a deep sigh, a choked sob escaping at the end. She feels her phone burn in her pocket, filled with several texts that she didn’t want to read but had to. With shaking hands she fished the device out of her jacket, finger hovering over the button that would reveal Clarke’s thoughts to her.

She hesitated a moment, squeezing her eyes shut. That pause was quickly interrupted by the ringing of her phone, Anya’s name flashing across the screen, making her nearly drop it as her heart leapt into her throat.

“Hello?” Her voice croaked as she answered. Her entire body felt cold, making her shaking intensify.

“Lex? Where are you? Clarke called. She and Costia are looking for you.” Anya’s voice came through the speaker tiny and far away, whether that was from her nerves or a bad connection, she wasn’t sure.

“I’m…” She hesitated in her answer, fear closing her throat. If she told Anya where she was there was little doubt either she or Clarke or Costia would come find her. She’d have to confront what she’d done, the consequences of her impulses. “I’m across from the bar.” She choked out, knowing she’d have to face everything eventually and waiting would only make it worse.

“Alright, I’m coming to get you, don’t move.” She nodded in response, even though Anya wouldn’t be able to see her, and murmured a soft ‘okay’ before the line went dead. Her hand shook as she brought the phone away from her ear. Her head landed on her knees as her hand hit the dry grass beside her, cradling her phone loosely. She didn’t even notice when the screen went dark again, too focused on her breathing to even think of looking at it again.

“Lex?” It feels like only a short time later that Anya calls to her, but with how stiff she feels when she pushes herself to her feet it must have been far longer. She stumbles a little as she gets to the car, getting in wordlessly when Anya reaches from the driver’s side to open the passenger door. “You okay?” The question is asked softly, and the slight nod of her head in response is met with a sad sounding sigh.

“Clarke called me sounding really worried. Did something happen?” Anya tried again as she pulled away from the curb, pulling U-turn in the empty street, and began driving back towards the younger girl’s apartment. She remains silent, Anya glancing worriedly at her from the corner of her eye every so often.

“I kissed Clarke.” She manages to mumble just as they pull up in front of the apartment building. She felt the muscles of her jaw working as her teeth pressed together almost painfully. Saying it out loud made it seem far too real.

Anya didn’t say anything for a moment, simply staring out the windshield after putting the car in park and slumping back in her seat. The silence almost made her feel like her cousin was waiting for her to get out, but before she could move to open the door, Anya turned to her. “Look, I’m not entirely sure what’s going on up in that screwy little head of yours, but I can assure you that whatever your worst case scenario is, it’s not going to happen. Both Costia and Clarke care about you a lot, a kiss won’t change that. Running and not talking about it will be what makes everything so much worse.”

She sighed, rubbing her eyes. Deep inside she’d known that already, but hearing it from Anya made it easier to take a breath and accept it. “I know.” She mumbled, pressing her head back into the headrest while her palms ground harshly into her eyes until stars burst across the back of her eye lids.

“Good, now go and talk to your girls. They’re worried about you.” She nodded, the corner of her mouth twitching at having her roommates called ‘her girls.’ “If you need anything just call, i have a gift card to that really nice burgers place if comfort food is needed.” That managed to drag a smile out of her as she stepped onto the sidewalk, the cool night air making her shiver.

“Thanks An, I love you.” She closed the car door and leaned on the open window, stalling a little for time.

“Love you too, kiddo. Now go, no more stalling.” She swallowed and nodded, a little annoyed that Anya knew her so well. She shuffled her way back inside, feet dragging across the carpet of the lobby until she reached the stairs. She took each step slowly, trying to drag out the time between the bottom and the top.

By the time she was in front of her apartment door, she was shaking, the coldness she felt had invaded her limbs but her chest was hot with fear and anxiety. Her hands shook so badly that opening the door quickly became a challenge, but somehow she managed, luckily finding it unlocked, as she thought that if she had to get her keys from her pocket she would have dropped them for sure.

She entered quietly, hoping to delay the inevitable for just that little bit longer. Slipping off her shoes, she put them away neatly. She debated keeping her jacket on, just in case she needed to run again, but decided against it. She needed to face this, and as Anya had said, running would only make it worse.

She took her time in hanging it up, listening for any sounds that would tell her where her roommates were. There was some shuffling from the the living room and the quiet chatter of the Tv in the background, so, taking a breath, she quietly made her way down the short hall until she could peer into the living room.

She expected to see many things. One or both of her roommates sitting on the couch waiting, angry that she’d run, or worse disappointed. She expected rejection, to lose one of the few lights that had helped pull her out of the darkest corners. What she wasn’t expecting was the sight of Costia and Clarke standing in the middle of the room, lips locked and arms around each other as they intensely made out. All moisture fled from her mouth at the sight, and her fear and apprehension ground to a halt, quickly being replaced by confusion.

She stood frozen for several moments, simply watching as the two people she loved most in the world broke for air, resting their foreheads together as they caught their breaths. All she felt was confusion, and a sliver of hope, balloon in her chest. She leaned against the door frame, the slight squeak of the hardwood under her feet catching her roommates attention. Both looked like children that had been caught wrist deep in the cookie jar, their mouths working, trying to find a way to explain, but no words came out.

“What the fuck guys…” She breathed, slumping even more against the door frame, a laugh bursting from her chest as she sunk to the floor. “Fuck…” Her head fell back and hit the frame with a loud thump. She could feel tears in her eyes, but they weren’t sad, angry, or even scared tears. She hit her head against the door frame several more times, the rhythmic thumping and the slight pain giving her something to focus on. She didn’t know what to think, what to hope or even what to expect. At that moment, all she could feel was exhaustion.

“Hey, hey no, Lexa stop.” Clarke rushed forward as she continued to thump her head against the wall, slipping her hand behind the brunette’s head to cushion the impact. Costia was right behind her, kneeling down on her other side and wrapping her in an awkward side hug.

There was an even awkwarder silence before Costia spoke up, her tone hesitant. “Seems we’ve made ourselves a right mess, haven’t we?” She chuckled in response leaning her head against the older girl’s shoulder. She felt Clarke shift to sit properly beside her, slipping arm behind her shoulders, most likely as a precaution in case she felt the urge to hit her head again.

“You don’t say.” Her laugh was harsh, wet and humourless, her tears having spilled over and down her cheeks. “I kissed you, I kissed clarke, you kissed clarke, clarke kissed you…” She could feel her tears soaking Costia’s shirt, but she was too tired to move, her body having gone limp, only held up by the girl’s on either side of her. “Why don’t we throw in another person and make it even more complicated. If we put up an ad online I’m sure we could find someone.”

Her joke is met with silence, and she could feel her roommate’s looking at each other over her head, but she was too tired to care. Her emotions had been strung so tightly in the last couple hours that it was taking all of her energy to stay awake.

“Well, personally, I’d like to just keep it to the three of us, if that’s alright with you?” Clarke spoke softly, making her thoughts grind to a halt. She could feel Costia nodding in agreement, her jaw brushing ever so slightly against her forehead.

“Wait, what?” She lifted her head, turning towards the blonde, her quick movements nearly knocking Costia in the chin. The sliver of hope she’d felt earlier grew, painfully digging into her chest as fear wrapped around it. ‘She could just mean it in a platonic way. Don’t get your hopes up.’ She repeated it over and over in her head, but the hope kept growing, closing her throat until she was holding her breath in anticipation.

“What she means is,” Costia took over, leaning back a little as the younger girl quickly turned back to look at her. “We both like each other a lot, and we like you a lot, and from past kissing experiences, you like us a lot too.” Turning back to Clarke, she could see the blonde nodding, a small smile on her face. “So,” Costia continued. “Would you be opposed to the three of us, I don’t know, trying this out?”

“And by ‘this’ she means dating.” Clarke added quickly, a nervous chuckle leaving her lips.

“Yes, I mean dating.” Both of them looked so hopeful and nervous, waiting for her response, but she couldn’t force any words out. She was so tired, and relieved, and oh so overwhelmed, all she could manage was a wheezing laugh, prompting worried frowns from the other girls. “Um, Lex…” Costia murmured, but cut herself off as the brunette began nodding, jerkily, but it was nod, a confirmation that she was okay with the new development. More than okay with it.

Both Clarke and Costia let out deep sighs of relief, their bodies slumping against hers until they were a pile of limbs on the floor of the hall. After several long moments, enough time for her to breath properly, she spoke. “You know I love you guys, right?” Her words were a little slurred, her tongue feeling far too big for her far too dry mouth. She felt Clarke shift beside her, bringing her head up until she hovered above in the brunette’s line of sight.

“Well, I’d hope so after all the kissing, which I want more of.”

“Same.” Costia piped up from where she had stretched out on the floor, her body flush against the younger girl’s side. “But I say we move onto a bed or something before we start anything, the floor’s kinda uncomfortable.”

“Agreed.” Clarke nodded, groaning as she pushed herself onto her feet, then held out a hand to help the other two up. “I vote my room considering my beds a queen.” She took the blonde’s hand without a word, swaying slightly as vertigo made the room tilt. Warm hands helped steady her and then guided her towards Clarke’s room, the gentle touches making the last of her worry and fear calm and then be replaced with hopeful excitement.

“She’s taking a nap. Her philosophy professor had the class think about different levels of reality, and she said it made her brain hurt.” Costia chuckled at the explaination. Lexa was an incredibly intelligent person, probably a genius on some levels, so for her to say that thinking about something made her brain hurt, then it was most likely a very complicated topic.

“Do you think she’d be opposed to cuddles?” The older girl settled herself on the arm of the couch, reaching down to pet Aden between the ears. The silkiness of his fur reminded her of why they’d gotten him in the first place, making a small smile creep onto her face.

“Hm, I don’t know if she’ll be opposed, but she did seem really tired.” Costia nodded, standing and stretching. If Lexa didn’t want to move, if she had to, she’d simply carry her. Tonight she wouldn’t be denied being close to her girlfriends.

“I’ll go retrieve our brain dead girlfriend then.” Clarke shook her head, sighing in exasperation, but didn’t move to object as Costia padded down the hallway to their bedroom. She retrieved her bag as she went, knowing that Lexa would give her a disapproving look if she simply left it by the door.

She pushed open the door to their room quietly, thankful that they’d oiled the hinges not too long ago. She spotted Lexa sprawled out on the bed, still in her jeans and hoodie, face planted firmly into a pillow. Gently setting her bag next to the door, she crept over to the bed, her feet shuffling across the plush carpet.

“Hey, Lex. Wake up, Lex.” She kept her voice soft as she sat on the edge of the bed, her hand rubbing gently over her girlfriend's back. She got a long groan and a slight tilt of the head in return, one green eye appearing to gaze at her sleepily. She smiled softly, brushing some tangles of hair from Lexa’s forehead. “Want to come and cuddle with me and Clarke on the couch?”

The younger brunette rolled onto her side, a sleepy mumble on her lips, before her arms were outstretched, fingers flexing in the child like motion meaning ‘carry me.’ She chuckled, not expecting the need to actually carry her girlfriend to the living room, but she wasn’t going to complain. For the longest time, Lexa had always been determined to take care of herself, never letting anyone do anything for her, so to have her actually ask to be carried showed the immense amount of trust the younger girl had in her.

She felt her chest fill with a happy warmth as she rolled her girlfriend to the edge of the bed, laughing quietly as the younger girl remained limp. Lexa tried her best to hid her smirk in Costia’s shoulder, but the older girl could feel the barely contained smile through the fabric of her shirt. Sighing in fond exasperation, she adjusted so Lexa’s legs were around her waist and lifted.

She gave an exaggerated groan that ended in a laugh as Lexa yelped when she slipped slightly. They tried to suppress their laughter as they made their way back down the hall, Lexa clinging awkwardly to Costia’s tall frame.

The older brunette couldn’t help the grin that spread on her face when Clarke came into view, the blonde’s eyebrow raised in amusement. The youngest of the three stood from the couch, scooping up Aden into her arms to keep the furry feline safe from her partners’ antics. She watched as the two girls tumbled onto the couch in a tangle of limbs, Costia turning so Lexa would land on top.

Clarke shared a look with Aden, the cat managing to look just as amused as she. She waited patiently for the two older girls to sort themselves out, occupying herself by playing with Aden’s ears.

“Claaarke, come join us!” Lexa called from her position lounging in Costia’s lap, raising her legs to make room for the blonde to sit. She sighed, a fond smile quirking her lips, and slipped underneath the brunette’s legs, holding Aden to her chest until Lexa’s legs were settled on her lap. Releasing the feline, she chuckled as he crawled over to Lexa, meowing softly as he nuzzled her face.

Lexa hummed as the cat settled on her chest, a deep purr rumbling from his body. She settled into her girlfriends’ laps, closing her eyes and relaxing as their warmth seeped into her skin. The feeling of their bodies chased away the endless fatigue of her day. Petting Aden, she sighed happily as she felt his purrs reverberate through her chest. She loved her cat, and she loved her girlfriends for getting him for her. He was a calming and grounding presence when her girlfriends weren’t home, and he was a delightful cuddle partner.

He’d become her companion, a friend that had no expectations other than food and pets, and he stayed by her side without judgement, even on her worst days. Of course, her girlfriends’ did that too, always loving and caring for her, but Aden was always neutral where her girlfriends were not. He didn’t pity her, or desire to make her better. He was just there, and that calmed her.

“So, what do we want to do for dinner?” Clarke, always the responsible one, broke through her thoughts. Sighing, she stretched out, firmly trapping Clarke under her legs, and shushing the blonde before she could say anything else.

“No talking. Just cuddles.” She felt the movement of Clarke’s stomach as she suppressed her chuckles and the heave of Costia’s as she sighed. Eventually both of them settled, leaning back into the couch as they enjoyed each other's presence.

Now, full of good food and content, Clarke leaned back resting on her elbows as she sighed happily. She gazed at her partners with affection, smiling at Lexa as she curled sleepily into Costia’s side, and raising an eyebrow at Costia as she casually weaved flowers together with nimble fingers. Shuffling over, she leaned against the tree, right next to the older girls.

“What are you doing?”

She asked softly, mindful of the sleeping Commander on Costia’s other side. The older warrior brought her project closer, displaying the braided stems and the small bits of twine that held loose pieces together.

“Flower crown.”

She answered quietly. Both froze however, when Lexa let out a sleepy noise and rolled over, tossing a limp arm over Costia’s lap. The awake girls giggled, stifling them with hands over their mouths. It was unusual to see Lexa so relaxed, let alone napping. Seeing such a sight was the privilege of a very few, trusted individuals.

“Can you teach me?” Clarke asked, voice just over a whisper, leaning her head against her wife’s shoulder. The older girl tucked curly locks behind one ear as she nodded, a small smile on her face. The blonde watched as Costia reached for more flowers, careful of the sleepy Lexa progressively inching onto her lap.

And so, for the next hour, Clarke was instructed on the art of braiding flowers into crowns. All the steps, from the first three flowers, tied together with twine for security, to adding flowers and new sections, to connecting the two ends of the braid. The final result was a bit sloppy with a few flowers missing their petals, or some wayward stems sliding free, but it was good for a first try according to her ever patient teacher.

When she was done, she held her crown up to the light, letting the rays of the setting sun filter through the braided flora. The yellows and whites of the wild flowers blended together to create a beautiful tapestry, and the green from the stems added a lovely undertone. The blonde knew she was letting her inner artist run wild, but she couldn’t bring herself the care. The calm and quiet atmosphere of their afternoon away left her feeling happy and carefree, chasing away her worries for a blissful few hours.

Lowering the completed crown into her lap, she turned to look at her two lovers, a warm feeling growing in her chest. Costia had finished her crown long ago and set it aside to help Clarke. After the blonde had gotten the hang of everything however, she had taken to gently running her fingers through Lexa’s hair.

The younger brunette had somehow managed to place her entire upper body on Costia’s lap. All in her sleep. Clarke would never tell her of course, as she would scowl and deny bitingly, but the young warrior was absolutely adorable. Body curved like a cat's, face slack in rest. Her hands were curled cutely and rested close to her face. She looked so young when she slept. All the lines of stress and intensity were smoothed off of her face, taking away years that she shouldn’t have had to bear.

The light strands of hair contrasted against the dark skin of Costia’s fingers, like browning vines on dark trellises. The older girl brushed out knots and snarls, then braided the wild mane with multiple fine plaits, taming the mass of hair with practiced ease. Clarke watched this show of skill intently, head once again resting on Costia’s shoulder. It was poetic really, watching a seasoned warrior, so used to war, battle and bloodshed, create an intricate piece of art with the same hands that had killed so many.

The sun was reaching the very tips of the trees when Costia was finished, running her hands lightly over her work to smooth down any stray hairs. Lexa had stayed asleep through it all, exhausted from working constantly at all hours. Glancing up towards the sun, Clarke sighed.

They would have to head back soon, their relaxing time away unfortunately coming to an end.

Glancing down, she fiddled with the crown still in her hands. Some of the flowers were wilting, but it had surprisingly remained intact through all her fiddling. Sliding her gaze over, she watched as Costia woke Lexa gently, with soft words and tender touches. Suppressing a mischievous smile, she leaned over and dropped the crown on the sleepy brunette, shocking her awake with a noise of indignation.

The blonde laughed as Lexa’s head shot up, the older girl blinking blearily. Costia soon joined her in her laughter, as the crown had miraculously landed perfectly. The tired girl yawned, looking all the more like a cat, before furrowing her brow at her laughing lovers.

“What?”

She croaked out, voice scratchy with sleep. Clarke stifled her giggles with a hand over her mouth and pointed at the crown, now tilting slightly to the side. She blinked tiredly, then reached up to feel the circlet of flowers on her head. Her face morphed into the slightest look of surprise, as though she hadn’t even realized the crowns residence on her person, before changing into an exasperated smile of affection.

“What am I going to do with you two?”

The question was rhetorical, but it seemed Costia couldn’t resist the opportunity to be sarcastic.

“Well, kisses would be nice, but that may have to wait seeing as we need to get back. We don’t want Titus to catch us in the middle of something.”

Lexa paused at her words, staring off into the distance for a brief moment before sitting up and shoving the older girl lightly. Titus, on more than one occasion, had indeed caught them in several, rather intimate, situations, and it had become a running joke of sorts. Of course, Lexa was the only one who took the least humour out of it, seeing as the man was essentially the closest thing she had to a father.

She just barely heard Clarke as she came into the room, the words sounding distant and tinny.

“Lexa?”

Clarke was closer now, concern in her voice. She tensed when a hand rested on her back, nerves thrust into overdrive by the stress. In response, the hand was quickly removed.

“Cos, could you come here?”

She was back to being far away again, and it made her tense, another rush of fear dragging a sob from her throat. She hadn’t even realized she was crying, tears trickling down her face, dripping onto the sheets.

She managed to shakily look up at the door when Costia entered, her curly brown locks wrestled into a messy bun and a toothbrush hanging from her mouth. The older girl’s eyes widened in concern, two shining white circles in a tan face. She watched, fighting to restrain her sobs, as Costia darted away for a moment, and then she was back, toothbrush absent.

Clarke had moved to one side, hovering close but not touching.

“Lex, is it alright if I touch you?” Costia shuffled over to her other side, sitting down gingerly as she jerkily nodded. The blonde lifted her arms slowly, wrapping them around her hunched shoulders with care. Costia followed her lead, slightly more hesitant, but determined in her support. The contact was soothing despite her initial tenseness. The warmth thawing the cold lump that had formed in her chest.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She swallowed as her breathing began to calm. She inhaled shakily, in for seven counts,  out for ten. Slowly, she sagged forward, held up by her girlfriend's arms.

“I… don’t… know...”

She managed to choke out. Her reaction was so illogical. She couldn’t even remember the nightmare that had caused it. Her partner’s scooted closer, shuffling in until their bodies were flush with hers. Their presence eased the tension in her limbs, driving away the rapidly forming feelings of nausea. Despite her almost incoherency, her girlfriends seemed to understand, pulling her to lay down, wrapped in the feeling of her skin on theirs.

“Did you have a nightmare?”

Costia’s voice was a calm, soft and soothing, a low tone near her ear. Continuing to breath, she nodded, closing her eyes as she reveled in the comfort. Gentle kisses were placed on her neck, jaw and cheeks, slow and unhurried. After several moments, she blinked her eyes open, no longer panting and heart slowed to a regular rhythm.

“Sorry… I don’t even remember what it was…”

She spoke sheepishly, shame at her weakness flooding her face. Her fear was quickly being overtaken by embarrassment, urging her to run and hide so she could deal with it alone. However, she was now trapped by the limbs of her lovers, keeping her prisoner to their love and affection.

“Sorry, for interrupting anything. I’m fine now.”

Even with her subtle urges for them to return to their daily routines, they only snuggled closer, pressing loving kisses to her face and wrapping her in hugs.

“Lex, we want to make sure you’re okay. Fear is a natural response. You don’t need to hide it or feel ashamed.”

Sometimes she cursed Clarke’s natural intuitiveness. Curling into herself, she tried to wiggle downwards in an attempt to escape their continued affections, however, she soon found herself locked in place, Costia’s legs trapping her own and Clarke’s head weighing down her chest. “Nuh uh, Lex. We’re staying here today. I don’t have anything important that can’t be given to an intern, it’s your day off and Clarke works on her own schedule anyway, so today is an us day. I vote we catch up on Netflix.”

Clarke lifted her head briefly to beam at Costia, obviously pleased with the idea. They both turned to her, eyes bright and pleading, obviously wanting her consent. Sighing, she deflated in defeat. Hiding the warmth she felt at their dedication and care, she scowled dramatically.

“Fine…”

Both grinned cheekily at her before disentangling themselves, chattering animatedly with each other as they puttered around the room. They fired off suggestions of what shows to watch as they prepared. Costia tapped away at her phone, informing the office she worked at that she wouldn’t be coming in today, and Clarke retrieved her laptop and pulled out extra blankets from the closet. Their excitement had tears of happiness burning behind her eyes. Both girls paused instantly, looks of renewed concern on their faces, when she let out stifled sniff.

“Lex, you okay?”

Costia asked softly, thumb frozen and hovering over a button mid press. She nodded stiffly, a watery smile on her lips.