#clexaendgame

Lexa couldn't sleep that night. She needed to take some fresh air. She stepped outside and looked down on Polis, until her head naturally turned to face the sky. It was all so quiet. Her people were asleep. The birds weren't singing. The only sound she could hear was the wind, paving its way through the trees. War was over, at least for her army. And all she could think about was Clarke. She was blaming herself for leaving her behind, because that isn't what she wanted. She never meant to hurt her, not that she had a choice. Lexa learnt it the hard way but that is what it means to be commander : making the best decisions for your people, despite hurting the ones you care about... despite hurting yourself. It wasn't until she saw the hurt in Clarke's eyes that Lexa realised how much she meant to her. She hadn't felt this way in a while. Truth is, she hadn't felt this way since Costia. She had sworn to herself that she would never fall in love again, that she would never put her heart through the pain and heartbreak she felt when Azgeda took Costia's life. But there are things you just can't control. Like meeting a beautiful woman who fell from the sky and torned your entire life apart.

When I first started watching The 100 way back in 2014 I was intrigued by the “lord of the flies” feel of it all. Then the introduction of the Grounders made it even better. I liked it enough to keep watching but it wasn’t until Season 2 that I became really hooked.

The very first time I saw the young girl limp into the cell holding Kane and Jaha, I knew she was special. I didn’t even know her name or her role in the show but I fell in love with her immediately. When Lexa put Jaha on his ass I was literally on my feet screaming at the tv. Then it turned out she was the COMMANDER, I could see how strong she was and that she was idolized by her people. I felt a sense of pride, I was in complete awe of her.

As her story line progressed and she started interacting with Clarke I knew they were going to be so powerful together. It was a perfect scenario, two leaders coming together for the greater good. They became my hero’s.

I was screaming at my tv again when Lexa came out to Clarke, I couldnt believe that this woman on my screen was a STRONG LESBIAN in a LEADERSHIP role. My emotions were everywhere, my confidence got a huge boost, I started changing as a person. I saw myself in her, I saw what I wanted to be as a young lesbian. I was going to be a strong capable leader in my career and in my life, I had made up my mind. I knew right then and there that this was the couple of my dreams and I shipped it...HARD!

The first time Lexa kissed Clarke I bawled like a baby, and when Clarke pulled away I cried even harder. The first thing that I thought was that the writers were going to waste this perfect opportunity to create the most iconic couple, but then Clarke said the one word that restored my hope, “YET” and trust me when I say I’ve never been so relieved as I was in that moment.

When Mount weather happened my heart broke for the first time. I thought that was it for Lexa, that she was going to walk off into the darkness and never come back. I wasn’t on social media at the time so I didn’t have the inside scoop that she was coming back in season 3. I almost stopped watching at this point but my DVR was set to record so I watched.

I can’t describe the feeling I had when I saw her for the first time in season 3, I was elated! Even though Clarke hated Lexa and my ship was all but dead in my mind, I was just so happy she was back. The tension between them was intense to watch but things started changing when Clarke couldn’t kill Lexa. I saw true feelings between the two and I just knew that eventually they were going to act on them…my ship hadn’t sunk after all!

Everything that happened after that scene was perfect in my mind. Everything from Clarke becoming ambassador, Lexa swearing fealty, how protective they were of each other, I watched them fall in love and it was beautiful. I absolutely adored every interaction they had, I knew that I wanted have the kind of love they had in my own relationship. I couldn't be happier in my life at the time, these two characters resonated pure happiness deep in my soul.

Then came the episode that would change my life forever...307. Little did I know that while I was watching Clarke and Lexa finally express their love for one another that I would be shattered into pieces in mere seconds. I thought all this time that there was no homophobia in the 100. Now that I think back to Titus’s teachings and his reactions to Lexa’s relationships, I realise that I just didn't want to see it, I didn't want to believe for a second that this amazing couple could possibly NOT BE safe. But they weren't safe, I wasn't safe.

I’m not going to go into details, it's much too painful but most who read this will know exactly what I'm talking about. And I’m not going to describe my actual reaction, I relive it every day there's no reason to do it on the page. What I am going to say is that with Lexa’s horrific death I was completely broken, a part of me went missing that day and I haven't been able to find it. I stopped watching after that, that episode was too devastating, the pain I felt was excruciating.

I am one of those people who get super attached to characters, especially LGBTQ characters. I am very much aware that Lexa was not “real flesh and blood” but, she was positive lesbian representation, for myself and millions of others. All of the positive traits that I gained because of Lexa’s existence I lost with her death.

My life spiraled, I became introverted and went into a deep depression. Memories from my childhood started creeping back into my head. The memories of the struggles I felt as a young closeted lesbian who had no one to relate to and my sister outting me to my parents resurfaced. Pain that I hadn't felt for several years came crashing back. On top of the pain I felt because of Lexa’s death I had to deal with the pain of the past, it was almost more than I could bare.

At this point I was still not on social media and my friends couldn't relate to how I was feeling. In fact not only could they not relate, they couldn't empathize. I went several months without talking about what had happened with Lexa and I sunk deeper into depression and anxiety was added to the mix. When it got to the point I couldn't take it anymore I decided to confide in my best friend, lets just say it didn't go well. I was devastated, not only did I lose my best friend, I almost lost my life. But I didn’t, I survived but was completely numb, and I vowed at that moment that I would NEVER confide in another person about anything.

I went almost 2 years dealing with the loss of Lexa on my own, then by some miracle I discovered STAN TWITTER (Yes I know, I was sadly behind in the social media department) I found this amazing fandom devoted to Lexa/Clexa. I met so many like minded people who became my friends but I was astonished by the sheer numbers of hurt fans.

I learned of the fight for Lexa and I jumped right in feet first. I learned about troupes, the baiting fans endured and all of the controversy which revolved around the production crew and writers. Even though I didn't experience the baiting I was so angry, the rage I felt towards the people who knowingly put REAL people through the agony of losing their hero in the way they did was unmatched. I turned the grief and rage into twitter posts, pleading for the return of Lexa and for a Lexa Spinoff, 2 years later I’m still fighting for Lexa/Clexa.

It took me over a year on twitter to finally open up about my experiences, and it feels incredible to finally have someone to talk with who actually understands and relates. I am eternally grateful for whatever it was that led me to be in the right place at the right time. Talking and hearing others experiences are so helpful but unfortunately, those things didn’t eradicate the pain, depression, and anxiety. They remain but so does my drive to fight for a positive resolution for Lexa/Clexa.