#cleanas

A friend asked me to help them sell their washing machine. I spent five full minutes with my friend and Moreen interviewing them both to make sure i gave the story the justice it deserved.

FOR SALE: Moreen – The Ultimate Washing Machine

I’d like to introduce you to Moreen.

Moreen is more than an electrical appliance that has graced my laundry for the past three years, Moreen is a 6kg heavy duty dirty clothes cleaning MACHINE… actually, that’s quite a normal description of a washing machine, so, um, okay, moving on.

While your dishwasher may decide not to release the tablet because you forgot to rinse a plate, and your dryer may threaten to burn the house down if you don’t empty the lint catcher, Moreen just gets in and does a job.

Moreen cleans clothes. Skid marks? Moreen doesn’t judge. Fresh blood splatters? Moreen doesn’t ask questions. Chocolate stains? Nothing gets chocolate out… except for Moreen

If it was up to me I would never let Moreen leave, but Moreen expressed a deep desire to help another young soul who is ready to leave home for the first time and I will not to stand in the way of a washing machine’s dream.

Here’s just a few of the things I’ll miss about Moreen:

No tissue tears Do you ever make the mistake of leaving a tissue in a pair of jeans? No drama. While Moreen can’t retrieve them for you (no hands, you see), Moreen commands respect, biatches. Those little snot squares stay in the pocket where they belong – not escaping to explode into super-glue-like tissue confetti.

Time Machine One time, Moreen let me lift the lid while spin cycle was going full tilt. When I gazed into the vortex created by my dirty underwear and I was able to see a full 15 minutes into the future. It made me even more excited about the sammich I was about to have for lunch.

Money Laundering I once washed a pair of pants with notes and coins totaling around 16 Dollarydoos. Moreen was kind enough to take all the notes and shrapnel and place a nice crisp 20 Dollarydoo note in the front pocket.

Moreen Sweats Nappysan There’s no need to buy expensive powders that ‘target’ the stain, Moreen knows where stains like to hide and has ways of making them cooperate. After all, Moreen has washed approximately 7,856 kilos of clothes and has no plans of retirement.

An inspection is a must as Moreen chooses you, not the other way around.

Star Ratings: Moreen has a 3 star water rating, a 2 star energy rating and a 6 star awesome rating.

Price: 50 Dollarydoos (10 Dollarydoo discount on presentation of student card)

Questions for Moreen? Text them through.

CORRESPONDENCE:

My friend let me handle the correspondence on this one, which probably wasn’t the best idea. As i was talking to Gumtree weirdos she lost patience and sold it in under one hour on a local Facebook Buy & Sell with no mention of Moreen whatsoever. They have no idea how lucky they are.

Name Game:  Re: Washing machine. Why did you call her Moreen? It’s a bit sexist to presume a washing machine is female. Me:  That’s the name Moreen’s vacuum cleaner parents decided on. I’m guessing ‘cause it rhymed with machine. Plus, i never said Moreen was a female. Now who’s sexist? *drops mic*

Age Game:  Hi there. I was looking at your ad. How old is Moreen? Me:  I wouldn’t dream of asking Moreen such a question, but between you and me I’d guess about 40 in washing machine years. Age Game:  So how old in normal years. Me: Hard to say. But age is no barrier between Moreen and a stain. Never has been, never will be. 

ChaChing:  What’s a dollarydoo? Do you mean 50 dollars? Me:  I thought Google made asking stupid questions redundant... but here you are...