#clatoeverdeen13

clatoeverdeen13 hat auf deinen Eintrag geantwortet: fuck. I have to change my URL!! Someone from my...

I know the feeling :p But you’ll still have to tell your followers where you changed to right?

 mockingtwelve hat auf deinen Eintrag geantwortet: fuck. I have to change my URL!! Someone from my...

My classmates don’t even know what tumblr is :P

 crezta hat auf deinen Eintrag geantwortet: fuck. I have to change my URL!! Someone from my...

omg poor you 

 avidbookworm hat auf deinen Eintrag geantwortet: fuck. I have to change my URL!! Someone from my...

10 of classmates know my URL. XD But, I think if you would want to change your URL, then do as you want. :))

Lol, I really don't know what to do. Tbh it's a close friend who knows my URL but.. ew. Idk what to do. mabye delete everything from here computer. but she KNOWS my URL she didn't saved it she knowsssss everything

Storyline; They haven’t spoken in months after they shared a kiss at new year, then the night comes around where he will perform songs from his new album, Jackie has to practically drag Isabelle out the door because she is so nervous about what might be said between the two since the awkward occurrence, she thinks he won’t want the same relationship that they previously had, little did she know is that he wanted the same thing as her, he wanted to be more than friends and he expresses it through the lyrics of his song – back to December (AU; he writes btd instead of Taylor Swift)

 Notes;

Some lyrics I have changed, like one or two

Isabelle has just turned 18

May contain some typical Emerquaid love/hate moments

Listen to: Back to december Taylor Swift. (you may need to play it on loop though because this is quite long) also i advice you to start the song again when it gets to the part where the lyrics are written.

  Tonight was a big night for one, particularly, very important person in my life, the night where my best friend (well was best friend until things got awkward) would perform songs from his new album. He has been working so hard for the last year, and now all the early mornings, late nights and hard work were all worth it, everything was worth the wait. He must be nervous right? well not as nervous as me.

  I brushed the cold pearls against my collar bones, moving my long dark curls to one side I clip the necklace in position with shaking hands. As it falls in place I step back to take a look at my full appearance in the tall French mirror that stands in the corner of my bedroom. I brush my hands down my stomach to decrease any ruffles in my blouse and straighten up my leather shorts. Giving my outfit a nod of approval, I lean down to grab my new shoes from under my dressing table.Shooting back up far to fast from putting my heels on, I feel a hard surface and sharp edge hit my head.

  “Ouch” I curse as I run my fingers through my hair to rub the stinging patch at the back of my head.

  “Typical Isabelle, good to see nothing’s changed your still as clumsy as ever” I hear in a cheerful tone.

  I look up and catch my eye on fiery red head stood in the door way, as I smile at her sudden appearance she’s already bouncing over, wrapping her arms tightly around me.

  “I’ve missed you Jackie” I muffle into her shoulder.

  “Missed you two Is, now are you going to tell me why you and you know who haven’t spoken in three months” she says leaning out of our embrace painting a questionable look on her face. Typical Jackie, getting straight to the point.

  I let out a large sigh and collapse on the edge of the bed, falling back and hitting the welcoming warmth of my mattress and duvet I stare up at the ceiling. Jackie gracefully lies next to me and In the corner of my eye I can see her starring at me, asking me questions without even saying a word. So I roll my head to the left to stare back at her.

  “What? There’s nothing to tell” I say trying to sound believable.

  “You know for an actress you sure suck at lying” she replies raising her eyebrows. I roll my eyes at her knowing that her statement is one hundred percent accurate. Jackie can read me like an open book with size 22 font.

  I let out a loud groan, grabbing a pillow I whack her with it before pulling it over my face to hide to red tones now running over my cheeks. Just thinking about that night makes my whole body turn a light shade of pink, but the other thing that I keep pushing aside is the Goosebumps I get thinking about it, the same ones I got that night. I was in deep thought until Jackie removes the pillow from my face and hovers over my face, blocking my view as she sits up beside me.

  “Just tell me what changed; you two were always together, nearly everyday over Christmas and then it got to new years day and after that you didn’t speak” she says in hushed tone. Jackie always knows exactly what to say, when to say it, and how to say it and it’s worked, again, I could feel the words falling out my mouth before I even processed them.

  “Well as you know we spent a lot of time together over Winter, more than usual, he’d just broke up with that blonde, bubbly, ‘look at me I’m a 6 foot tall, slim, perfect bodied model’ and he came to me for advice. God knows why I don’t even think I share the same anything as any of those idiots he calls girlfriends, and well we were together nearly everyday after that and we spent Christmas eve together before he went back home. We skyped on Christmas day, then he flew back over here for new years and” I paused for a moment to reattach myself to the pillow that was minutes ago protecting my embarrassment. “Well we kind of kissed”.

  Silence that’s all I could hear, nothing was coming from the girl’s mouth, Jackie usually has too much to say not too little. I lift the pillow from my face and look at her, the expression on her face is exactly what I predicted, pure and utter shock.

  “You, you what” she stutters.

  “We” I start before I’m cut off.

  “You kissed” she screeches.

  “Yes Jackie you know, a Kiss, it’s where” – that’s all I can get out before typical Jackie has returned.

  “I know what a kiss is, I don’t need details thank you” Her nose wrinkles up before she shivers. I just sit here laughing under my breath as I shake my head at her childish reaction.

  “But I just don’t understand why you haven’t spoken since” she says. And I can see she really doesn’t understand, I’d like to let her in on the reasons why our communication has been cut, but I don’t know myself and that’s where things start to get complicated.

  “I don’t know Jac; I don’t know what he’s thinking anymore, he just got up and left, he didn’t even call on my birthday I just got a text from Mark with his name added on the end” I say getting up from my bed and walking back over to my dressing table. I sit down and look at my reflection in the small mirror, my eyes are starting to water and Jackie’s noticed, her expression has completely changed she’s gone from shocked to confused and now something I really don’t want to see, pity.

  She rests her hand on my shoulder and gives it a tight squeeze reassuring me that it’s probably not what it seems. “I really don’t know if I want to go anymore” I say playing with my ring avoiding eye contact with Jackie in the mirror.

  “Stop feeling sorry for yourself, grab your purse, put some lip gloss on and walk into that bar with your head held high and speak to him” she says in a firm voice. Well it’s good to see pitiful Jackie has vanished.

  “what if he doesn’t want to talk to me, what if he regrets it and now we can’t go back to normal because of it, what If” I didn’t get time to finish before she cuts me off.

  “Isabelle, Stop, you’re just winding yourself up now” and I know she’s right, so I grab my shoulder bag from the nightstand and let her drag me out my room and towards the car.

-

On the way to the venue, despite Jackie’s attempts I am re-running what might occur tonight, over and over and over in my head, she catches onto my nervousness and puts one hand on my knee to stop me shaking it in anticipation, because nerves and the questionability of what may happen during our first encounter since the kiss aside, part of me was excited for tonight. I lean my head against the car window, closing my eyes and embracing the comforting silence, well I was until Jackie turned up the radio which was recently on a whispering volume to one that the people walking by could hear. I glare at her and reach my arm out to turn it back down but she whacks my hand away like it’s a fly.

“I’m preparing you for the ear drumming volume at this” she pauses to think of a correct word. “thing” she adds, not really the word I was thinking of but we’ll go with it. I sigh letting her win this one, as per usual. Looking over at me I can see the ever growing smile on Jackie’s face. “What?” I ask. She just continues to look from me to road with a toothy grin on her face. “Why are you smiling at me like that” I ask feeling creeped out by her sudden outburst of smiles.

  “Looking at you like what? I wasn’t looking at you”

  “Yes you were Jacqueline Emerson, what you thinking?”

  “Nothing, It’s just I know you really want to burst out into song, but your to busy moping over ‘mister perfect’ she says.

  “That’s something he is not, perfect, he’s far from it” I reply “and I do not want to burst into song” I add. Jackie just furrows her eyebrows at me before looking back at the road. “Ok maybe I do a little bit” I say with a giggle, and that’s when Jackie and I start singing Better than Revenge at the top of our lungs in perfect unison.

    -

  Our in car performance made me lose thought of where we were heading and everything that had been on my mind earlier, but when Jackie turns the car into a busy parking lot the nerves return and the thoughts come flooding back into my head. Turning the ignition off, she turns to me and grabs both my hands, “you can do this” she says giving me a nod of encouragement, I take a deep breath in and out before exiting the car to link arms with Jackie. We then stroll over to the large glass doors.

  Straight away we make our way clip clopping in our heels across the tiled floor towards the bar, I may not be at the legal age to drink yet but it doesn’t stop Jackie from trying to order me the strongest liquor they stock, but I stop her before taking a seat on one of the plush velvet bar stools and ordering a glass of diet coke. Jackie does the same but with a shot of vodka in hers; I eye her glass and shake my head. “Sure you don’t want this one” she says waving it under my nose, I shake my head and grab my own glass and raise it to my lips, just as I am about to take a sip, the sound of someone clearing their throat and a tap on my shoulder interrupts me. A stirring feeling takes over the contents of my stomach and I feel a lump form in the back of my throat, my eyes widen as I glance over at Jackie, I don’t think I can turn around knowing the possibility of it being the person I really shouldn’t want to be avoiding.

  “Don’t worry little Isabelle, It’s not lover boy” It’s Jack.

  “Shut up Jack” Jackie says hitting him in arm

  “Owwwww” he responds rubbing his arm.

  I just sit there laughing at them; the relationship between the two of them is one out of the ordinary. I look over to Jackie who is intensely staring at Jack and I cut could cut the tension with a knife and it’s not awkward tension either. I just keep eyeing the two back and worth whilst taking small sips out of my glass.

  “Anyway I only came over here to tell Iz that Zander wants to talk to her before he goes on” he says abruptly with no hint of awareness about the situation in his voice. And he chooses the complete wrong time to announce this because I empty the contents of my mouth all over the bar, I stare at Jack wide eyed whilst the fact “he” actually wants to talk let alone see me sinks in, the next thing I do is rational, I grab the Vodka and Coke Jackie previously offered me and quickly pour the strong liquid into my mouth and swallowing before slamming the glass back down, and slapping my hand onto the bar and demanding Jackie to order me another.

  “Is that a good Idea, you’re a lightweight you know it, you hit your head earlier, and the last thing you want to be when you speak to Zander is drunk or falling unconscious” she says suspiciously.

  “trust me, Dutch courage in the form of an alcoholic beverage suits me just perfect, and this time lose the Coke” I reply, I’m just as shocked as Jackie is but right now little miss perfect is wearing thin. Raising my one hand to call the bar tender over I move the empty glass back over to Jackie with my other hand so it looks like she’s the one who has emptied the contents.

  The small glass is pushed down the length of the bar towards us and before it stops completely still I grab the glass, knocking back the spirit. Pursing my lips for seconds I let the burning and tickling feeling in the back of my throat fade. I then turn to Jack who is now stood stunned beside Jackie.

  “That’s just about enough courage to last me the conversation, not promising I won’t need something after though, maybe some Ben and Jerries instead, now where is he?” I am trying to push it off, pretending I’m not nervous and confident when really I’m absolutely terrified and Jackie can sense it. I grab my bag with shaking hands and jump of the bar stool. “Good luck” she says encouragingly, gripping onto the top of my hand that still rests on the bar. “Yeah good luck” Jack says copying Jackie and putting his hand on top of hers, she shoots daggers his way whilst our hands sit in a pile on the counter making us look like five year olds making a secret pact on the playground. “Yeah well I’m going to you know, leave, uuumm now” I say awkwardly pointing towards the door with “private” spelled out in metal letters.

  Jack immediately jumps in my space and begins chattering some story away at Jackie, and I say ‘at’ because she isn’t yet immersed in the conversation she’s still got her eyes trained on me as I slowly make my way over to the door, I turn my head continuously to catch eye contact with her on my way, hoping it will give me some kind of confidence boost. I then come to an abrupt stop as I reach the entrance of the backstage area. I shoot my head back to see Jackie who has her eyes now on Jack, but she still notices me in the corner of her eye so she shoots her thumb up in sign of encouragement.

Walking down the hall to the door with his name on, I pause and start to pace up and down the same few feet of floor space outside of his dressing room giving myself a prep talk whilst I try to calm my nerves.

  Breathe In

  Breathe Out

  In

  Out

  You can do this, just pull a Jackie and say what you’re thinking.

Oh god but then you’ll regret that one later.

Ok then just deny any feelings you have for him and you can go back to being friends

And if that doesn’t work out then, well then your stuffed.

  “Good great talk Isabelle, just fantastic” I say to myself under my breath. I then position my clammy hands around the cold metal handle “well here goes nothing” I push down on the handle and open it slightly so I can peek through.

  Now what do I knock or just stroll in

  Or do I storm in demanding an explanation; he has ignored me for the last few months

  No, that doesn’t look to good either; he’s obviously asked me here for a reason

  I timidly walk into the room and quickly glance around the room, there’s flowers and cards scattered all over the sideboard bellow a huge mirror that covers the back wall and that’s when I catch his reflection, sat in the corner on a black leather sofa, guitar strapped across his chest, pen in hand, paper laid out on the table in front of him and scattered all over the floor. My breathe hitches and I feel the urge to run straight back out the door, just as that idea becomes my best one he looks up noticing my reflection, for a few seconds his face lights up as he stands up, but when he catches onto my expression his smile drops and he looks sick to the stomach with guilt. A part of me just wants to run up to him and wrap my arms around him, not romantically but to save our friendship to remind him… and me, how things use to be because despite my feelings towards him, my romantic feelings not the ‘I want to hit you for ignoring me’ ones, he is still my best friend and not talking to him has been hell, I even miss having to suffer watching some 3 hour long action guy film.

  “Long time, no see” I say stepping into his view.

  Great, fantastic thing to say the first time you’ve seen him in months, be a little sarcastic like your sister that will totally work.

  “Sorry” I say with a huff, closing my eyes for seconds, waving it off.

  “I didn’t mean it like that, well I did, but”

  “Its fine” he says moving round the table and taking a step close to me. “I’m the one who should be apologising”

  “So you are sorry for ignoring?” I question

  “I wasn’t ignoring you; I just didn’t know what to say to you” he replies

  “You didn’t answer my calls, texts, emails, nothing” I argue

  “It’s not that I didn’t want to speak to you, I did, I just didn’t know what I’d say to you, and I didn’t want things to change” he says stepping closer and taking my hand. I move my eyes down to the level where they join before looking back up at him again to continue.

  “So what you mean to say is you don’t want to be anything more than friends” I say with a hint of hurt in the tone of my voice.

  “I didn’t say that” he replies moving his free hand up to my cheek

“its fine, I get it, it was a mistake and”

  I am then interrupted by a rhythm of knocks on the door, he drops his hands and our eye contact and my stomach does the same because of his sudden movement. “Come in” he calls out, his throat catching on the words. He clears his throat and steps back from me as his mum steps through the door.

  “You’ll be on any minute hunni are you ready?” she says as she walks through the door on her phone, she looks up from her deep concentration and catches her eyes on me. “Oh hello Isabelle sweetie, long times no see, how have you and been, how’s your mum, sister?” she asks pulling me into a tight embrace. “We are great how are” I pause as I catch sight of her face in the mirror, she’s mouthing some words to Zander but I can’t make out what. “You” I add quickly so she doesn’t catch onto my realisation of her silent conversation. She pulls away from me with a nod and a smile “I have been great, busy, but great”. She moves her eyes back over to her son, and I can tell they have some things they need to discuss so I excuse myself. “I should go find Jackie, good luck” he pulls me into a quick hug, nothing compared our usual ones but I put it down to the fact his mum’s in the room and that he has approximately five minutes until he has to be ready.

  I make my way out the door, the early induced alcohol affecting my ability to walk in these heels. I shut the door closed behind me but hold onto the handle tightly as I slam my back against the door, exhaling loudly at the none existent accomplishment I just made by having that conversation. Just as I’m about to exit the backstage area something catches my attention, the conversation occurring between Zander and his mother I shouldn’t listen but I do, I pin my ear to the door lightly I can’t hear much but it’s enough to know who there talking about.

  There talking about me.

  “Did you speak to her; did you tell her how you feel?” she asks

  “No mom, I didn’t I would like to say it’s because you walked in, but that’d be a lie, I am such a coward” he answers.

  Then all I hear is some mumbling between the two off them, what did he need to say? How does he feel? Why have things even gotten this way? I play twenty questions, questioning myself but getting no answers; I really should talk to him after. I stop my dazing and pick up the conversation again; I should have left by now but knowing there speaking about me I can’t help but listen in.

  “Well she’ll know soon enough, don’t worry to much, just go out there and do your best, she’ll be there supporting you as your friend, because that’s one thing she is and will always be”

  I walk around the corner, still in a state of questionability, and I make it away just in time as I hear the door to his dressing room creek open. I hurriedly make my way down the hallway, through the double doors and back out into the now busy bar. Scanning the room, I can see Jackie with Jack at the side of the stage chattering away with one another. I make my way over to them and take my place next to Jackie.

  “How’d it go?” she shouts over the loud music and commotion of the crowd.

  “Don’t even ask that question” I say fluttering my eyes remembering the conversation. It could have been worse but if it was at least I’d know where I stand.

  “What do you mean, didn’t he explain anything?” she asks curiously. “Nope nothing, I am just as confused as ever” I add. Glancing over Jackie’s shoulder I can see Jack intensely immersed in our conversation, Jackie turns and notices too and scolds him with a cold look. “What, I want to know the story too, don’t leave me out” he says sounding like a little boy. “Go talk to Zander; you do have this ‘wolf pack’ thing going on with him and Dayo” Jackie says. “I will do just that after this” he points towards the stage; I turn around and see Zander is taking his place on stage wearing his ‘lucky’ plaid shirt.

  “He looks nervous” Jackie says. “I know, what is up with him” Jack adds, I turn my attention back to the stage and shrug it off.

  -

  After eleven songs, including Liv It Up where Jackie, Jack and I screamed out every single lyric completely off key I had turned back into supportive best friend mode and it felt like nothing had changed. The night was nearly over so Jackie picked up the white leaflet we had been given when we walked in, it had all the songs that he was going to perform, I lean over shoulder to peek at it to and scanned to the bottom of the list.

  12; Back to December

  I look over at her, and she has the same look of confusion written across her face, before we have time to say anything about it He takes his place back onto the stage, but this time he sits on a stool in front of the microphone. He doesn't say anything this time, no song introduction, nothing. He just sits there adjusting his microphone, avoiding eye contact with everyone, especially me. Especially my direction.

The music starts and he’s right, because there is no upbeat backing track, it’s not a song you could party to like his usual material, it’s not a song he could crowd surf whilst singing and that terrified me, it must mean a lot to change his typical genre of music for one song.

    ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­I'm so glad you made time to see me how’s life Tell me, how's your family I haven't seen them in a while You've been good, busier than ever We small talk, work and the weather Your guard is up, and I know why Because the last time you saw me Is still burned in the back of your mind You gave me roses, and I left them there to die So this is me swallowing my pride Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night And I go back to December all the time It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine I go back to December, turn around and make it alright I go back to December all the time

    The lyrics stop and the instrumental plays, my stomach is doing back flips and my knee’s are shaking, I cant even process the moves it would take to look at the two people stood next to me so I am oblivious to the exact words Jack and Jackie are exchanging because I am incapable of taking my eyes off of him, they are probably expressing the exact same thing I’m thinking. Why has he wrote a song about me, us.

  These days, I haven't been sleeping Staying up, playing back myself leaving when your birthday passed, and I didn't call Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times

I watched you laughing from the passenger side And realized I loved you in the fall And then the cold came, the dark days When fear crept into my mind You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye [Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/taylor_swift/back_to_ So this is me swallowing my pride Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night

And I go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind I go back to December all the time

                       The lyrics to the song sink in, and memories flood through my mind, the summer of filming, autumn break, winter, Christmas, and then nothing. Jackie hits my arm with the back of her hand to grab my attention away from the stage and my daze. “This is your song” she shouts before standing there with mouth agape. I have nothing to say, to reply, I just stand there feeling sick to my stomach.

I miss your pale skin, your sweet smile So good to me, so right And how I held you in my arms that September night The first time you ever saw me cry Maybe this is wishful thinking Probably mindless dreaming But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't So if the chain is on your door, I understand This is me swallowing my pride Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night And I go back to December It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine I go back to December, turn around and make it alright I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind I go back to December all the time, all the time

    Before I have time to process it all the song ends, the crowd applauds in a rhythm of screams and claps and I just stand there froze, Jackie’s tapping her hands together slowly because by the looks of her face she’s just as shocked as I am and Jack is wolf whistling  in-between heavy handed claps.  But to me everything has turned slow motion, I stare at him, sat on the stage looking straight at me and he mouths one word.

  Sorry

  The crowded room becomes too much to bare, my throat has become dry and my legs have turned to jelly. The next thing I do is rational and probably not the best thing to do in the situation but I do it without thinking, I grab my purse off the side of bar and before I know it my feet are making there way through the room in a quick pace heading straight for the door, I push through the crowds of people that surround me.

  I finally make it outside and the sudden burst of air fills my lungs, I take a second to regain my breath before slamming against the wall, sinking to the floor as the first tear rolls down my cheek and I don’t even attempt to wipe it away as more fall. I rummage through my bag trying to locate my phone to ring my sister to come and pick me up, but no luck, I must have left it inside. I Throw my bag on the ground next to me and sit attempting to stop the sudden outburst of emotion. I finally compose myself and just in time as I hear footsteps getting closer to me, I don’t bother moving, I know it’s not Zander, well unless he’s now wearing heels, which I highly doubt, it’s defiantly not him. I quickly wipe under my eyes, the mascara must be smudged all down my face just like when I was in Orphan and I don’t want anyone seeing me like that. I look up and see Jackie running in her heels towards me. I place my hands over my face and try to hide the fact I’ve been crying but she’s not stupid she can see exactly what I’ve been doing and how I’m feeling.

  “Oh Isabelle” she says dropping to my level and putting her arm around me.

  “I’m fine honest” I croak

  “The Mascara stains on you shirt and all down your face say something different” she says sympathetically

  “Did you know” I ask quietly

  “Did I know about the song?” she asks. I nod in reply. “GOD NO, do you really think I’d let you get a shock like that if I knew”

  “Can we just get out of here before he comes looking for me” I ask. She quickly jumps up and puts her hand out in front of her offering it to me “Sure, Lets take you home and you can scoff some Ben and Jerries” I smile, like I said Jackie always knows what to do and it’s no different now, she knows Ice-Cream is the cure to my blues. I hold onto her hand as she pulls me up and we make our way silently to the car.

The journey home is just as silent, but its comfortable silence, not many words are exchanged until we get to my house. I let Jackie got back to her’s because as miserable as I am I need to be alone, so promising her I will be ok and telling her I will call her in the morning, she lets me go in alone.

    I run into my house, kicking off my heels and heading straight for the Kitchen to pull the Ice cream out of freezer, I jump up onto the counter eating it straight out the tub with the largest spoon I could find. I then start beating the frozen contents with the utensil in my hand, taking my newly found anger out on the Ice cream until the spoon bends and I decide it’s a good time to stop and try something else to get my mind off this awful night. Most girls would be overwhelmed with happiness if the guy they liked wrote a song about them, but in my situation it wasn’t the best moment for it to happen, I should be flattered, but it’s just the meaning behind the song that makes my emotions stir. I stare around the room trying to think of what to do next, I can’t sleep that’s for sure, then the idea pops into my head, do what you always do best in times of trouble, make cupcakes.

  Taking all the ingredients out of the cupboards I start throwing them all together in a large bowl, I don’t bother tidying up after myself I’m to busy beating the mixture to make it ‘light and fluffy’, well that’s what I’m telling myself when really I’m just taking my fury out on it.

  -

  Nothing is clearly going my way tonight because now the cake mix has gone all lumpy, the wooden spoon has snapped in half and I dropped a bag of flour on my head as I attempted to reach up to the top shelf. Nope nothing wants to go the way I want it to; I still pour the gloopy mixture into cupcake cases and hope for the best when there cooked. I pick up the tray from the side and move it towards the heated oven to cook, when the I hear a noise coming from the back door I jump back, for a girl that has played some pretty messed up characters I become terrified by any sudden noise, insect and even my own shadow. Quickly shoving the cakes into the oven, I walk over to the back door where a piece of paper sits screwed up on the door mat. The same coloured paper I saw earlier scattered across Alexander’s dressing room floor.

  “Fuck”. I never swear but it felt like the right time to, not because of the note sitting on my kitchen floor, it’s the fact that the person who wrote it is probably stood on the other side of the door waiting for me to read it and let them in.

  I pick it up, unfold it, and read it.

  I didn’t mean to hurt you, I am sorry

  I peek through the blind and see him stood on my back porch looking like a lost puppy; he looks up and catches sight of me, so I quickly drop the blind like it will stop him from seeing me looking out at him, to late. I can’t just leave him out there can I? Turning the door handle I open it slightly and hurry back across the kitchen, allowing him to make his own way in, which he does.

  For a while there’s silence where neither of us know what to say or how to start a conversation and I’m shocked when I’m the one that gets the ball rolling.

  “How’d you know I was in here?” I ask avoiding eye contact with him

  “I know you too well” he replies

  “You say you know me but you really don’t”

  “What do you mean I don’t know you, of course I know you well” he says more upset than offended. I look up him and shrug my shoulders; the amount of effort I have to put into this conversation is very little.

  “Your favourite colour is purple” he starts. “Your favourite movie is mean girls and you can recite it word for word, You like art galleries and vintage book stores, You would rather be sat in your room knitting or reading than be out socialising, You have every Ed Sheeran song on your iPod, A Team is your favourite” he stops for breathe before continuing “And You bake when your mad rather than hit something or should I say someone”

  Maybe he does know me, but the fact that he does makes me feel even worse, the fact that he may even know me more than I know myself.

  Wrapping a tea towel over my hand, I move it towards the oven to remove the cakes from the oven as I no longer care about the outcome, just like this conversation. But with other things on my mind as I do, my hand slips and I catch it on the heated rack. “OH FOR CHRIST SAKE” I scream “nothing is going right for me” . Running over to the sink I run my fingers under cold water. “Nothing” I cry . Seeing the state I’m in he quickly jumps up and runs to my side. “I’m fine” I say coldly “I had the tea towel over my hand, so I-I’m fine”. He ignores my attempts to push him away and runs the tea towel under the cold water and wraps it gently around my hand. “Please, please don’t be nice to me” I whimper as tears build up in my eyes.

  “Why not” he asks sincerely

  “Because I’m being such a bitch to you” I say emphasizing on the word bitch.

  “You haven’t done anything wrong, I have ".  "I understand your reaction, you running out and being confused” he scans the room before looking back at me and he looks like he may be holding in a tear or two “And I’m sorry for making you feel like this” he says holding back his own tears to wipe away the ones that have rolled down my cheek.

  “It’s not that I didn't like the gesture, its just made things even more complicated, made me even more confused” I say in a small voice. A confused look dances across his face questioning my comment.

  “We haven’t spoken in months, I thought you regretted our kiss, but I was wrong and instead of telling me how you feel by speaking to me like a normal human being you have written a song about me, about us. Who does that for crying out loud?”

  “A wise girl once told me to never love anybody who treats you like your ordinary” That wise girl is me. When he came to me for advice that’s exactly what I told him. “I didn't know you listened to everything I say, let alone remember it” I comment.

  “Well I remember everything about the girl I love”.

  “L-Love” I stammer, I can not even form coherent sentences.

  “Yes Isabelle, Love, I think maybe I should play you the song again, you clearly weren’t listening” he responds.

  “You love me?” I ask timidly

  “Yes, you” he says with a nod “and the only reason I didn't contact you for all this time is because I thought you would regret it and I couldn’t deal with the fact that I could have ruined our friendship”  

  “Why me? Why kiss me? You could have anybody you wanted and you choose me?” I ask confused

  “ You've always been there for me, when everybody else either let me down or gave up on me you were there, I was just too stupid to see it and If you don’t love me back then I understand, your kind and funny and smart and beautiful and you have everything ahead of you, the world at your feet”. “And I’ll have to learn to deal with it” he adds. My face falls as I take in everything he’s now saying, but then it sinks in and I smile as I blink back the first happy tears of the night.

   “How could I not love you. I didn’t run away because I didn't love you, because I always have deep down. I was just scared of getting hurt”

  “I know I may not be the ideal boyfriend, I’m not perfect but isn't everyone, but I realize now that me and those other girls didn't last, not because they weren't good enough or because we didn't have stuff in common, it’s because I didn't put the effort in and I know why now” he pauses “because they weren't you”. I pull him into a tight embrace as I finally believe the words he’s said, and this hug its nothing like the quick meaningless hug from earlier and it’s not like our usual hugs that I thought meant a lot, this means so much more. He wraps his arms tighter around me and as he pulls me closer I rest my head on his chest.

 "I’m glad we didn’t leave things the way they were, I’m glad we saved us, I’ve missed you.” he confesses

“Hmmm me to” I reply, pausing to glance round the room.

  “I think the cupcakes are past saving though”. We both burst out laughing at my failed attempt of making a joke, but it felt good, to laugh again. This may have been the worst night ever to start with, but now it’s most defiantly became the best.

Uh, no. That was seriously the nicest way possible already. And we could do without a shallow, bitching shipper.

It’s not your fault we have hypocrites in our ship who’s too stubborn to listen to advice.