Been reconnecting with a bunch of people from various stages of my life over the last year. Mainly it's been them somehow refinding me online and starting a conversation. The main consistent thing all of them have said is how much light, love, care and compassion I had, that I'm amongst the most inspirational people they've met that's truly left a mark on their lives. All of these messages I'm too scared to reply too due to a myriad of thoughts and feelings
I'm just gonna bullet point them all here
All through that time we knew each other I was holding in so much hurt and pain that there's no way I could have been the person you're thinking of.
The me now could never live up to that person's "legacy".
You all in someway abandoned me and that's the reason why we haven't spoken for year.
Why now, why are you all contacting me now saying this? What happened?
Whenever I've thought back on our friendship I always remembered it fondly, but now my rose tinted glasses are knocked off. All I see are people who took advantage of the kindness I radiated and used me to a certain degree.
No wonder I have a laundry list of abandonment issues.
None of them have been trans people, all of them have been ciswomen.
Thanks for the compliment, but now I realise what was happening I don't think I have the ability to reply.
Some of you were only here for the LGBT ally status, look at my quirky femboy friend "oh you couldn't tell, I know right?" I kinda flirt with them too cause it ticks this low-key lesbian experience curiosity I've got going on and I can just tell myself their still a guy so it alright.
Some of you fondled my fake tits and my albeit great ass without any consent. Just thought you had the right to grope me anywhere anytime because "it's how us girls are treated"
Nobody ever talks about how predatory cis women can be, it's all transwomen are the true predators we're just innocent women who you can easily over power. Like, erm no, strength has nothing to do with it. People can manipulate others into believing what they are doing to you as normal. I repeat, "it's how us girls are treated", saying we have an excuse to physically abuse you in public whenever we want because we feel we have the right over your body. "I'm sorry I outed you to my friend, it'll never happen again" Regardless they outed me and now I have to live with this whole fear of not knowing who knows an intimate detail about me and who doesn't. The only way to conquer that fear was outing myself to I didn't live in a constant state of paranoia all the time. The classic show you off to their parents probably for shock value leading to having to navigate a whole awkward conversation about my sexuality, gender and genitals with their parents because "they're just curious" and "have never met someone like you before" essentially saying we've never got to see a true freak like you in the wild before and now we're allowed to grill you with any questions we desire because you are entertainment for us. I'm so done with that talk, having to just justify my existence to complete strangers. Just leave us alone, let us build our own communities and just stop having a say on our rights the lot of you. It's honestly all we want and you just keep taking pieces from our bodies because we're not human to you.
Erm ooops like cis people are great, honestly. Just encase I accidentally hurt any of their feelings. Y'know how they're been such a good ally over all these years, championing my journey on from the sidelines without ever engaging over the years!
