(tw emotional abuse, transmisogny)
my (it/she) ex-wife (cis, she/her) said she originally fell in love with me because I 'wasn't like other men' and she liked how soft/gentle/feminine I was but after we had been together a while would attack and mock me for every visible sign I showed of not being masculine, using it as justification for why she was allowed to hurt me and why it was fair for her to control our bank accounts and block my access to money I was making because I 'couldn't be trusted with our finances.'
she did a lot of awful things to me and justified it with me being 'a man' or 'a broken man' depending on what suited her best sometimes she would make me put on dresses for her just to insult me and point out how much I just looked like 'a man in a dress' and then yell at me about how cruel I was being to her if I showed any reaction to what she was doing/saying.
I didn't start to figure out my trans stuff until years after our divorce and it's been years since I last saw her but I still dream about her sometimes and every time I see someone on the street that looks like her, my stomach fills with so much dread I feel like I might throw up. I'm tall and broad shouldered and even with 2 yrs of estrogen and the plan to stay on it I know I won't ever pass and every time I put on pretty clothes I still hear her voice telling me that there's something wrong with me. I'm pretty sure she knew before my egg started to crack and I don't know why she picked me just to treat me the way she did and I don't know if I'll ever get her voice out of my head.
