#ciarrahguevs

so tonight its actually fathers day, yea? we went to my grandfather's grave to greet him too and then when we went home idk i just started being sad

was it bc i miss Tatay? was it bc i saw some hs pictures? is it bc its monday already and i have to face another week of crippling anxiety by my job?

idk but fuck this is tiring

also i hate how my journaling is literally so random??? like, sometimes i write offline then i write here like, i want my thoughts be collated yk (idk just a random thought very out of topic)

anyway

i still have 5 weeks? or 6 weeks for my job lmao im counting the days my contract gets terminated

why am i so scared to just resign instead of waiting for my contract to end like a fucking coward i dont understand myself either

i keep on whining i dont wanna work but continue to wait out the days for it to end like bitch make up your mind

sigh idk im a mess lol

pretty sure when i read this again, id be fucking confused haha

hmm idk why i wanna write something here tho yknow i think tumblr d worded to my same gen tumblr moots ...

anyway

maybe one day when i die, my friends & family will find my blog and just /know/ you know but lmao theyre probably just gonna find my yn fics hahaha

anywayyyy back to the real reason why i wanna write here...

i find it scary im having these kind of thoughts lately i dont know if its because of my job? (maybee? its actually the only reason i see rn?) bc honestly... im doing fine in all other things..

friends? theyre okay.. we talk and meet up if this lockdown permits (yup 2021 and still in lockdown)

family? we're good as well.. im happy theyre healthy and well (hope it continues like that for a long time)

me? well.... i guess the problem starts there lol idk i keep having these thoughts bout wanting not to wake up from sleep yk lmao and it actually stems from not wanting to go to work with the role that i currently have ....

maybe im being ungrateful rn but i really feel like its not healthy for me to be in this role.. its too pressuring, gives me anxiety.. and i know im only a month in but do you really have to be in a situation longer for you to say that its toxic for you? toxic for your mental health?

honeslty idk i feel kinda bad that im prioritizing my mental health over earning like putting myself first is something so bad lol i feel so guilty about feeling this way

and i feel that im unfair bc my family is working so hard in different countries, working their asses off, literally one have to caught the virus (theyre ok now tho) but still work

and im here,,, being a fucking baby,, whining about how THIS is the worst situation that i am in lmao

but they just dont get it,,, maybe i was mentally unstable right before all this happened (my job) and now its triggering these thoughts out of me and seriously i have never wanted to feel this way, i swear.. i didnt want to feel so broken,, so weak,,, i dont want to constantly ask for help,,, show signs that im emotionally & mentally drowning,,,, its just so hard to be living this way..

i didnt even realize that I'll go to such extent of wishing i dont wake up from my sleep

but at the same time, im fucking terrified this "life" will last longer you know?

you know how in books/universe beliefs that what you want to happen will be jinxed if you keep thinking about it lmao

im so so terrified about it like,, what if i really wanna die but end up living 100 more years lol

like bitch i dont wanna live so long if im this unhappy.. i dont want this life if im just constantly insecure about everything, how im literally fucking depressed and unhealthy..

and im so fucking sick hearing about "you can change this for yourself" "live life/change your life for you" "youre the driver of this life" bullshit like BRO DO YOU THINK I DONT KNOW THAT

Like ok man i KNOW i can change my life but at this fucking moment???? i cant???? and its difficult to just wake up one day and feel inspired and be full of energy in a mental state like this???

yall r so fucking stupid if you also think depression is being so skinny, eating less, looking stressed and fuck bc depression is also the opposite.. like honestly?? i dont fucking look depressed but look at me now tho?? haha

im overweight, i dont look sleep deprived, i still eat, and i still sleep.. im here but sometimes im not here you know?

whats worse is that depression here is being so downplayed like its just "drama"& not a real fucking disease,, i have relatives who would think - they've been thru worse and that YOU feeling sad and depressed for them is just whines and worthless drama and that youre just overreacting like you dont have a fucking right to feel that way just because theyve been thru "worst" lmao ok bitch do you want a fucking "not depressed" award

well fuck im sorry my generation have to deal with your fucking trauma bc you let it out on us just because we're younger and you dont have any idea that the shit youre putting us thru is actually YOUR trauma???? like fuck

sigh

im just so tired of this unhappiness.. i miss my old self,, the better me,,, i miss my passions,, the things that make me happy,,, bc right now, i can only do so much and still feel this way..

i can paint and sing all day but it wont bring me back the same energy, the same joy it brought to me before - and i miss that...

lagi na lang.. pag mageeffort ako tapos mapupunta lang sa wala. 

lalapit lang sayo pag may kailangan sila. gagawin mo lahat tapos iba makikinabang, di man lang ma-appreciate. kulang na lang mag “one man team” na ko para kahit papano, kahit para sa akin man lang, makinabang ako. pero hindi eh, sa iba napupunta ung credit. sa mga taong di naman na kelangan ng tulong.  tapos dagdag mo pa ung mga taong nagpapatulong na nga lang, sila pa ung galit !@#$%^&