#chroniclesofastoner

#God1st #ChroniclesOfAStoner D.M.C. (WesT) #KillEverything #California #Music #3GMediaCorp #McKillaKing #FancyFreeEnt. #ZombieSquad #MadHatterBeats #KBE #Music #Money #Shows #Clubs #Art #Graphitti #Hustle #Rhymes #LifeStyle

Im Dyin!!! #Comedy #ChroniclesOfAStoner D.M.C. (WesT) #KillEverything #California #Music #3GMediaCorp #McKillaKing #FancyFreeEnt. #ZombieSquad #MadHatterBeats #KBE #Music #Money #Shows #Clubs #Art #Graphitti #Hustle #Rhymes #LifeStyle

#storytime #marijuanamania #chroniclesofastoner

A lot of awkwardness. Brought my mom to campus for an appointment we didn't make in time anyway. But I learned how to roll a blunt today! YES. I usually had other people roll them for me, because all I usually roll are joints. But Bryan called me over earlier and said "Rolling 101, come learn." It was actually pretty interesting. The guy is an interesting man. It's even more amusing when four dogs all try to jump you at the same time while you're trying to watch. They're too cute. But yeah. All in all, satisfying.

If you care about someone, why not show them? Why make them feel like SHIT about themselves? There was someone who liked to call me a friend, but never really showed any type of appreciation or care for me. I watched as this person gave everyone the type of affection that I wanted from him/her. It really hurt me. It made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for their attention. This person kept looking for something that was right in front of him/her. If there’s anything I’m sure about, it’s that I’m an affectionate person. I sometimes smother people with my love. So why couldn’t this person see how much I cared about him/her?  Until now, it frustrates me. It makes me want to fucking throw up and cry. Why can’t you treat me like you treat everyone else? Is there something fucking wrong with me?  These are the things I always wanted to ask, but didn’t have the balls to. Everytime I tried to express what I felt, the response would be that I was victimizing myself…or that I’m just being irrational. Something along those lines. So eventually I just stopped trying. It hurt more though. People have reasons for the way they feel, so instead of jumping into conclusions and shutting them down, you should actually listen. You’d be surprised at what you could learn. A friend is supposed to make you feel comfortable. A friend is supposed to be someone you could go to for emotional support. A friend is supposed to be someone who can lend you an ear. If you can’t even trust someone enough to discuss a problem between your relationship, then can there even be a friendship? I don’t know. But I’m still having trouble recovering from it. It still fucking hurts. I can’t even speak my mind and discuss this with the person who hurt me. It doesn’t make it easier that I can’t hate this person either. I wish I could though. Hate is much easier to deal with than pain. I would be able to move on if I didn’t have to hold so much in. It would be so much easier to move on if I just hated this person. I would just stop giving a fuck eventually. But I care about this person to death and that’s what hurts the most. That’s what I really cannot get past. So again, this brings me back to my initial question. If you honestly do care about someone, why hide it? If you really care about someone who also cares about you, why deprive them of the appreciation and affection they deserve? There are people out there in the world who actually deserve it. One last thing. I think everyone has something valuable to offer. Do not take those who love you for granted. It's hard to find someone who'll genuinely care for you. It's hard to find someone who really wants to understand you. It's really damn hard to find someone who will want to put up with you because of how much they want you in their lives. Never forget that.

Sorry, I'm totally not myself right now. I know I make no sense.

I meant it when I said I loved you. It had to be the hardest thing I ever had to do. It was harder than ending our friendship. I know that your life is much better without me though. I never brought anything worthwhile or even just simply beneficial to you. Realizing that was the most painful thing I’ve ever had to accept. I always felt like i disappointed you. Am i that bad though? All I’ve been trying to do was make you happy. Even after hurting me over and over again, consciously in most cases, all I wanted was for you to be happy and appreciate me. I accepted you for your whole entirety, but you always found something wrong about me. I sometimes wonder how you could’ve ever liked me because of this. People always bring up how you used to really like/want me. I wish I valued it more before. I miss how we used to be and that hurts me so much to think about. The thought of that has been keeping me up at night ever since we stopped talking. So many other thoughts surge through my mind on top of this. I always think of other people you treat so well and ask why you couldn’t treat me the same way. Why couldn’t you? Am I that bad? Wherever the road may take us, I’ll always look back. I’ll look back even years from now. I’ll look back and greet your precious memory with a smile. I’ll always think of you as the person who changed me. The friend who made me want to be a better person. The only thing I can hope for now is that your memory of me is not tainted, stained, or irrevocably damaged. I hope you don’t ever think so badly of me. Pardon my emo moment, I couldn’t sleep.

I live in a reality where the only thing that brightens up my day is marijuana.