i wish my mum was okay. like i don't really like her, but i hate seeing her like this, and i wish she was 'normal'. she's chronically ill, and going through something caused by one of her chronic illnesses, and it's genuinely terrifying. bc this thing has happened before, and the last time it happened she nearly died. like she was rushed to hospital, and if it was a few minutes later, she probably wouldn't be here. and i don't really have anyone to talk to about it, because my (younger) sister doesn't really know what's going on, and i don't want to bother my parents, bc my dad's really stressed about it, and stuff at his work, and obviously my mum is going through it, and i don't want her to worry about me. and ive told my friends about it, but they don't really understand, bc none of them have chronically ill parent(s). the mast time this happened i was 9, and i thought i had processed this, but since it's happening again, ive realised that i actually had just pushed it down and stopped thinking about it. and idk what to do, bc it's affecting my school work. like, i had a history test, and i did so bad that my history teacher asked my tutor if i was okay. and like, now my tutor knows, and my history teacher knows, but they don't KNOW, yk. my english teacher knows something's going on, but i haven't been able to tell her what, and i kinda want to, bc i need people to talk to about this. like i have my tutor, and i have spoken to her, but i want options yk. and it's been affecting my concentration, and i genuinely don't see any pint in me going into school other than as a distraction, because im genuinely not learning anything. but like it's so bad that it was an achievement that i answered all the questions on my history test on friday (different to the first one). and like i had an english assessment (which is why my english teacher knows something's going on), and i had to take it home to edit it, because i couldn't focus on it, so it was horrible, all because my mum went to a&e the day before. and i was terrified that she was going to die. and normally i worry that something's going to happen, but i can kinda brush it off, because nothing happened for ages, but now all that's gonna go down the drain, because of this happening. and obviously it's not my mum's fault, it's just scary. and it's scary that it's affecting me this much, because it never has, and last time was worse. so i should be able to deal with it better surely, because im older than last time, and even though it's still bad, my mum hasn't been admitted to hospital, or had an operation, like she had last time. idk im just really scared, and i feel like a little kid again, and idk what to do.
