#chronic worry

Words to live by:

Oh well, moving on, anyway!

(Don't sweat the small stuff. And isn't it all stuff.)

If you, like me, experience chronic worry, there are some things you would love the people in your life to know. Oftentimes, I am ashamed of how much worry I engage in so I fear self-disclosure. I think, “Surely, if this person knew how much I worry, they would think I can’t handle aspects of my life. They wouldn’t think very highly of me or they wouldn’t want to get to know me more.” In reality, I keep my problem with chronic worry a secret because I am trying to protect myself from anticipated embarrassment and shame.

However, hiding the tendency to worry has side effects, just like medications do. Here are some notable ones that I can only imagine you are familiar with if you chronically worry:

@ Imagining the Worst: Since worry exaggerates the negative and makes the unlikely seem quite probable, your guess of how people might respond to your worry is probably overblown in some way and doesn’t give you a chance to solicit feedback and support from those closest to you.

@ Feeling like a fraud: Are you the kind of person who rarely feels good about your successes? You might be preoccupied with thoughts about critical judgment if people knew your internal process of ‘achieving’ those successes.

@ Increased worry: If you keep something a secret, it’ll naturally increase your worry since you are concerned with the possibility of accidentally revealing it.

@ Increased social isolation: This one is a doozy. Chronic worry interferes with social interaction because it leads you to spend increased time “in your head” and arguing or trying to soothe your thoughts, rather than being present and engaging with people. Sometimes, the worry leads you to cancel social time all together and, since you are keeping your worry a secret, you fail to explain your reasons for backing out to others. They are left guessing why you canceled your plans or seem distant, and can sometimes conclude you aren’t that interested in talking or hanging out with them, which can damage your relationships.

@ Paradoxical increase in symptoms: While your thoughts don’t shape or cause events outside you in the external world, they can shape and cause physical and emotional symptoms of anxiety within. For example, someone who worries a lot about blushing in a social setting (and keeps that fear a secret) is more likely to experience the symptoms of blushing because he/she is trying so hard not to have them.

Bottom line: Keeping your worry a secret fools no one but yourself. Keeping your worry a secret tricks you into believing that you have a terrible, shameful, insoluble problem and that no one would like or respect you if they knew about it.

We spend some much time in our lives vetting what we share with others out of fear and shame. This secrecy sabotages relationships. No one is perfect and everyone faces struggles, but courageously reaching out instead of shrinking back– and compassionately exchanging– leads to us all being able to be there for and help each other through tough moments and times, internal or external.

Here are some things I’ve been meaning to share. I hope it can help some of you as well, either internally with knowing that you are not alone in what you are facing or externally with engaging with those you love:

*Thanks for setting aside this time. I’ve been meaning to talk about an issue that has been weighing on my mind. I worry a lot, and I know everyone worries, but I think that it has become a bigger deal for me than for people who have a healthy amount of worry.

I find myself thinking and worrying a ton, mostly about things that never happen (or if it does happen, it’s not nearly as bad as I expect). These worries occupy my mind and distract me from other things I would rather be thinking about. It’s embarrassing to talk about but that is one of the main reasons I wanted to tell you. It makes it worse if I keep it to myself– if I keep it in my head, I have trouble letting it go.

Worry affects me daily, causing me to be distracted and have trouble sleeping… to overly judge and criticize myself for not having the ‘right’ kind of thoughts and to maximize bad probabilities of something occurring, which leads me to avoid taking risks with aspirations or things I care about out of fear or shame. I try to control or abolish my worrisome thoughts, which ends up just sharpening my critical voice.

I’m telling you this because I trust you and value your support. I know it’s difficult offering specific advice or help and I don’t assume or expect that from you. Here are some things that could be helpful when I am deep in worry.

Please don’t give me reassurance about something I identify that I worry about. I am likely to overthink and question it, trying so hard to be “sure” that it causes more trouble for me and maybe for you. I need to get better at handling uncertainty. If you do offer reassurance about something, make it realistic. Don’t tell me something will always be okay because I know nothing in the future is certain and I have to get used to that.

If I appear to be asking you for reassurance about something, please point that out– “It sounds like you’re asking me for reassurance. Is that what you really want?” This gives me the chance to change my mind if it would be more harmful.

Please don’t share the information with anyone as it is sensitive to me. If I want someone else to know, I will share with them.