Moon Baby

To everyone who has known me and been a friend these past several years, I'm grateful for the kindness, love, and laughs you've shared with me.

If you have known me, you know the amount of suffering I have been through for many years. I am here today to tell you I have been healed by God. I no longer take pain medication because I am no longer in any pain. And it happened instantly. Then, with no pain medication, I did not suffer withdrawal. At all. From percocet, from xanax, no withdrawal after years of use. Three weeks ago, I ran out of both medications on the same day with no money to get more. I was terrified because I knew what was in store for me. I humbled what I felt was left of myself and asked God for life. Instantly, everything that was destroying me was a memory. This could not be done with any kind of psychological shift. Opioid and benzodiapine withdrawal stop for no one and is one of the most excruciating things a person can physically endure. On my face with Jesus, he spared my body and mind this torture. I can't emphasize how much I mean when I say INSTANTLY.

The agony and grief I suffered with PTSD from what happened to my daughter shifted to peace that she's a victim no more. Hatred that I've been poisoned by for years vanished. Instantly. I considered suicide every day, literally the only thing stopping me was not wanting to hurt my family. My appetite, that has been absent for twenty years, returned. Deep, restorative sleep has found me again and I truly do sleep like a baby. No nightmares, no anxiety. In an instant, when I surrendered, he picked me up and gave me life better than I thought possible.

All of this to give public credit for the miracle worked in my body and mind to Jesus. I'm not interested in preaching or recruiting as this is my final post. I'm leaving my tumblr up, unchanged, as a testament to where I've been and where God has brought me, but will not ever be active on it again. I hope if you've known me, you'll see that I'm telling the truth. If you haven't known me well, I hope that you'll go back in my history to see the power of this event.

I have no email, but would love to be snail mail friends if you'd still like to talk with me. Please inbox me your address if you want to stay in touch.

I love you all.

The new "not found" security thing won't let me go to yall's blogs. It worked yesterday evening. If I tapped lightly on your icons, it would pull up the little side column and I could go from there (thanks, Jo). NOW, it just sends me to the error page, no side column. I have a tablet, the app won't open so I go through Google and log in. I've tried all I can think of. 

So, unless someone can help me, I guess I'll miss a lot of stuff from yall. fuckfuckfuck.

In my experience with her, I have realized she is more than a PT, she is a guide and healer. And she's an empath like me, which makes me admire her success all the more, knowing the difficulty empaths face. 

One time, the deep tissue massage was so painful it set off tremors. She turned the light down low, gently placed her hands on me, and started singing softly. It was emotional and sweet. One line in the song was "how could anyone ever tell you, you are anything less than beautiful?", and she brushed my hairline. I felt like a soothed child, and we both had tears in our eyes. She is old enough to be my mother, and I'm grateful that on some level I feel that kind of safety with her.

She called me last night and said she'd like me to go to an event with her this week regarding sex trafficking, has already spoken with the coordinator and she wants to talk to me. She is the motivator and backer of my memoir. And she would also be the one who invited me to her "church", which she said is full of psychic weirdos like me (haha). 

The whole thing of it is, she is trying to pull me out of my comfort zone. Actually, not so much a comfort zone as a pit. She says that she sees something in me and she wants to help me realize it. I have been thoroughly open with her about my life- past and present- and instead of acting uncomfortable with me or hurling criticism for not being able to pull it together, she shows compassion without pity. Perfect combination for my situation. She wrote me a letter that left me crying in my driveway. She closed it with, "I am so grateful our paths crossed. You are a true inspiration to me". That is in such contradiction to what I see and feel about myself. To have someone I look up to so much say something like that is just...wow. 

Gotted my hair done! I'm in love love love! 

^^^^^

1. Since my forced decision to "drop out", I've reduced the interaction with my mother to updates on how she's doing in her recovery. I know she is angered by that, but she's still polite and so am I. I still care about her, I just don't know how to feel like her daughter again. It's for the best, which I'll cover more in my next point...

2. I am writing a book. With the help of, and suggestion by my therapist, whom I now consider a friend. I am writing a memoir covering my childhood until present. All I have to do is dictate it, as she is paying a lady to type it out for me and getting help from an OU lit professor to help format and edit. So, I guess WE'RE writing a book, but I'll still get my story out there. I hope to purge myself AND hopefully help at least one person. My mother is not going to be pleased to say the least.

3. I've dropped my best friend of eight years. One of us was always in the midst of one crisis after another and were always there for one another. Then she met a man, and her ensuing behavior brought to light many unflattering things about her I had either never noticed before, or had chosen to ignore. During all this anxiety withdrawal, I really looked at her character (unbiased for once) and found its not compatible with mine. I still tried to keep it casual when we did talk, but she felt my silence has been a slight to her and was pretty angry. She even felt necessary to roll out a "Just as the doctor consumes 90% of your life, focus, and energy...". Charming. Seeing as how I no longer value or respect her opinion, I refuse to explain myself to her or anyone else who doesn't try to understand how hard I'm trying. Nor do I give a shit what they think of me. 

4. I am visiting a church this sunday, first I've been in for years. It is not a standard church- it is made up of all faiths mingled together. It is spiritual, with no place for organized religion. I am nervous to be around a group of people, but I figure I can hang in the back and watch. I'm hoping to meet people I can have meaningful conversation with and this seems like a good place to try.  

I have enjoyed tumblr so much these last few years. It has helped me through some of the most difficult events in my life, and I have met so many funny, kind, and interesting people here. But my anxiety has reached a level that is making it hard to even communicate with people in my own family. I don't speak much at all, and when I do, I have to force myself to speak above a whisper. 

I've made a decision to stay completely away from news online, any news, as even trends bother me these days. Being uncomfortable with my dash is one of the reasons I haven't been on much for the last couple of months, that and not having anything to say. I'm not sure if this is a phase I'm going through or if I'll pull out of it, but for now, I'm shielding myself from anything that might upset me. However, I'm not one that subscribes to the whole "trigger warning" thing, as my triggers are too numerous and complex in description to bother with labeling anyway. Instead, I just watch comedy and only use the internet to search for addresses or phone numbers. 

Basically, I have decided to step away from harsh realities to try and salvage what time I have left in this body. I know how fucked up everything is, so I don't think I'll be missing anything by walking away from society. Still, I know it's not a healthy move to completely alienate myself from everyone outside of my husband and kids. I do have some friendships here that I'd like to hold on to, but the only way I can be comfortable scrolling through is if I unfollow the blogs that post a great deal of political and social justice information. It's not at all that I don't care about the world around me, it's that my nerves can't handle it.