Let's be real, as parents we all know that 3 year olds are the real terrorists. For example in the last month one of our twin boys has:

Stolen half a tub of butter and hid behind the curtain while he ate it and smeared it all over himself like lotion.

Liberated a bottle of pancake syrup then ran from one end of the house to the other with it upside down (and open), squeezed half of it onto the carpet in their room, ran back through the house, and to the bathroom. Leaving behind him a sugary slippery trail of death.

Helped himself to an entire bowl of mashed potatoes. Which he hid behind the curtain and ate while rubbing it on himself like lotion.

Grabbed the jar of miracle whip, a spoon, and filled his plate with ooey gooey goodness. Then took it to his room and ate it with one hand while using the other hand to spread it around on himself like lotion.

8 year old son walks into the living room before school one morning I was sitting on the couch enjoying my morning coffee while my electric breast pump did it's job.

Son: "It's sort of like a milk translator."

Me: Chokes on coffee. "Well son, you're not wrong."

Our 8 year old has officially started sparring competitively for Taekwondo. This requires a cup for his boy junk.

Me: Ok kiddo this is a cup, this is where it goes, and what it does.

Son: Following my directions installs the device properly, looks back up at me, and announces, "OMG IT MAKES IT LOOK SO HUGE".

Me: Dead. All breathing has stopped and laughter induced tears are imminent.

Son: Removes said device, runs from room, beelines for the back door. "I'VE GOT TO SHOW THIS TO MY FRIENDS!!"

Me: "NO CHILD NO. This is not a toy, you cannot take it outside, and the entire neighborhood does NOT need to see it."

Son: Lays it on top of the microwave instead.

Me: "NO CHILD NO. That goes on your penis, not my microwave!! Please go put it in your gear bag."

Son: "Hey, it's like a helmet, but for my penis!!"

Me: Yes, now please go put it up.