Hey momma Brin. Soooo pride is coming up, and for my city it's on Father's Day. So I asked my dad if I had to stay home or if I could go to pride. I thought it was going well until I said I wanted to "go do queer stuff". And.... he got all offended, like he said "I can't believe you would ask me that". I think it was just the way I asked but it still hurt. I'm his kid. I'm queer, and prefer that term, so it hurt for him to act like I had just asked to go do something awful...
Long response ahead, as per usual. And it looks like Iām getting it in under the wire, too. Sorry it took so long.Ā
So, ok. I hear this. Now ⦠I donāt know the relationship between you and your dad, and I donāt know if you have siblings, or if itās just you and him ⦠now, I know itās not super fun, but ā¦. have you considered asking your dad to come with you to Pride? I donāt know what your particular pride plans are (ie, the queer stuff), but itās possible that you both might benefit from you taking him to his first pride - heās your dad, it might be nice for him to see into your world, to see people like you who are happy, proud of themselves, surrounded by other people like them. It might be good for him to see that you have a future and that being queer doesnāt mean youāre going to come to some bad outcome, or that whatever concerns he has for you arenāt the only possible outcomes.
He might even be able to see PFLAG parents and learn a bit more about how to support you. I think as queer folk we donāt always see how little our parents understand us and our lives, and we also donāt see just how much terrible messaging they get from the rest of the world.
Iām a father, as Iām sure you know and I do get hurt a little when my daughters plan other things on Fatherās Day, or worse, arenāt with me at all. It really sucks. And while I understand that as they get older, they develop lives of their own, or having two houses sometimes scheduling conflicts arise, it still sucks. Dads, for a lot of reasons - often self-inflicted, get a bad rap, or donāt get as much credit as parents most of the time, and Fatherās Day is supposed to be the day thatās all about celebrating us as fathers, instead of, like, birthdays which celebrate you as a person, you know?Ā
Maybe this could be an opportunity for you to let him see this window into your life, to share your life with him and spend time together. Itās another way to celebrate Fatherās Day - maybe instead of doing the same old thing, or set of things you normally do on Fatherās Day, you can give him the gift of sharing your life with him. You can assure him that no oneās likely to think heās gay - weāre pretty good at spotting the straights at Pride :P And if they do, then be flattered if someone finds him attractive - itās a pretty good feeling when someone finds you attractive, right? But you can assure him that no one is going to expect anything from him or expect him to doĀ anything, if thatās a concern of his.I know it might crimp your style and drain your mojo to be out at Pride with your dad, but it might be kind of cool and interesting too. Thatās the trade off youād be making.Ā āListen dad, Iām not getting laid tonight because Iām choosing to share this with you, Happy Fatherās Dayā isnāt exaclty a Hallmark card, or the best way to phrase it, but Iām sure you can get the sentiment across.And yeah, telling him that you wanted to skip out on spending time with him so you could go do queer stuff probably hurt him more than heās willing to say - and not because of queer stuff, or even you calling it queer stuff, but because youāre choosing queer stuff over him on whatās supposed to beĀ āhisā day. And asking if you āhaveā to stay home, instead of asking if it was alright if you left to go to pride, was not the softest, kindest way to ask him for permission to leave. It makes it sound like you think spending time with him is a chore. Even if it were true, itās not really a kind, loving thing to say, you know? Dads have feelings too, even if weāre not always the best about sharing them with our kids. Whatever you do next, I would consider offering your dad a sincereĀ apology for hurting his feelings.
I canāt speak to your relationship with your dad. My dad and I had a complicated but close relationship and we had our misunderstandings, too. Honestly, this will be the second Fatherās Day I have to celebrate without my dad and it really fucking sucks. Iād give just about anything to be able to visit with him on Sunday but I will never get to do that again.Ā
If you have any kind of decent or better relationship with your dad, do what you can to appreciate it while you have it. I wish like hell I could have taken my dad to some kind of Trans Pride event so he could see that while being who I am comes with danger he didnāt face, it also comes with joy Iād have to deny myself in order to avoid it.
Otherwise, if you canāt get him to come out to Pride with you and celebrate your relationship that way, then I recommend finding some kind of compromise. Maybe skip the parade and head to the gayborhood after dinner and presents to other celebrations. Or go to the parade and come back for dinner and presents and a movie night with Dad or something.Ā
I understand that it would suck to miss out on Pride. But I promise you that there will be a Pride Parade every year for the rest of your life. I can not make you the same promise about your dad being there on Fatherās Day.Ā