#chemo diary

For you my Dearest Heart, I weep in the darkness of the night. You, who can make everything right, You, the mother I never had. For you, my Dearest Heart, The steroids are a boon, Allowing me to speak to you, When normally sleep, would pull down my eyes and take me into places, Where I still walk – lymphoma free.

And days before my long journey home, When I sent those first images of a ‘different’ me, Your response reduced me to tears. “I just don’t get it.” You wrote, “How can you look so beautiful while having chemotherapy?”

And so at last, your girl returns, Trashing the apartment in ten seconds flat, Checking out her things, her art, her lava lamp. And later, at the Chinese restaurant, (our homecoming tradition,) You do not lecture, but suggest, she tries to eat a little.

Although some things have been improving (I’m on sleeping medication short term now) I’ve been having some other severe side effects that have been almost killing me, I’ve been rushed to the hospital twice and I’ve been struggling to maintain any kind of nutrition/food and a lot of hydration so my body is not functioning in healthy ways

I’ve lost 3 stone in the past few days due to severe issues and even my cancer team are struggling to keep up with solutions without having me admitted somewhere full time to stop my body literally withering away, but yeah I’m still here, very brain fogged and still struggling with a LOT of pain, but they have realised now that they have flooded my body with so much of a problematic level of chemotherapy in one week that they’ve actually almost killed me 😅

20 hours of chemo in 3 days was insane and yeah 👌 anyway lil update essay over with now, just letting yall know im still kind of kicking and i fucking love the lot of you ☺️❤️

My hair still isn’t growing properly due to the Chemotherapy and it’s resulted in me having a 14 year olds tash for the last two weeks 😅