#chemmerda

La neve col culo che la vedo.

my best friend and I had known each other for most of our lives and I love her like family, we’ve been through a lot and whatever

the thing is I don’t understand her bacouse she’s so chaotic, like doing everything at the same time and making decisions that for me doesn’t make sense

anyway

now this january she moved in the new house she (but mostly her father) bought, the poor thing. I was having a terrible terrible time, I was depressed and exhausted by a shitty work too heavy for me and when I’m like that I don’t get in touch, always have. she knew though that I wasn’t doing well, not precisely how or how much, but she knew that.

and I was going in this school (actually still am) that I really liked, 5 years after I got near something educational, worked for it all by myself because my family can’t/won’t support me (it depends on the member) and I was still 25 at the time and I had already all the dreams and plans go fucked up by persons that should have stood by my side and didn’t for one reason or the other now one of the things that I always wanted the most moving from my parents’ house. like my dream for coming of age (18) was literally moving out. because of my family mostly. she even tells me that when she would be in the new house she would give me the keys also so I could go and stay, and that we will see each other all the time to give me a break ecc ecc. so naturally the first thing she does when she moves in is disappearing, when we see/get in touch she even says that she doesn’t want me to come over because the house is a mess. and I’m at the bottom. I’m in the worst place since ages, since middle school actually. even worse now because I’m more conscious about it, and yet I’m helpless exactly as if I still were 12. then she practically made her new boyfriend move in. other friends, mostly his friends, come and go as they please, she does nothing about it but complain about it the few times we talk. and that’s frankly annoying, it’s one of the most annoying things about her because she do it all the time. she does something, she pretends that’s not all her fault, when something goes not as planned she complains and feels bad about it (in various levels), and then do nothing about it and even play cool, and then manipulate the others to make it end, or wait (it depends on the other person, always) when it’s too much to handle. she always makes me promises like “when happens this I will do that” but to surprise to no one (not even me most of the times) she does nothing. she always has an excuse, of course then out of the blue one evening we meet she says that she doesn’t know what to do with me, she knows that she disappeared but the new house was demanding and she didn’t saw that coming (I told her that btw) and the new work something and that I should have made more of an effort. and we had a fight obviously now we are more or less in good terms, we spoke fairly and honestly but the thing still is that of everything she asked to me and I have done to her, even difficult or that I didin’t like two things I asked her and that were a bit troubling for her: that one and to go to the cinema with me the only two and she haven’t done either of them she never comes to see a fucking film with me because she just doesn’t fucking like films and she doesn’t want to. she’s doesn’t say that but that’s the reality. like it was hard god fucking damn it. I needed her when I was sick and left alone by other friends of ours, in the worst period of my life ever and she wasn’t for me like she said she would have so now when she says to me “I will be there for you” I reply positively because of everything we’ve been through, but let’s not pretend that I believe that shit

and now it turns out she says she’s probably pregnant of some other guy and she wants to keep the baby just half a year later no, even less than six months and I’m like ok because it’s your life, not because I give a damn because she didn’t give a damn about me and didn’t even fucking try to do anything for me

but now I understand why she didn’t have time

so I’m gonna be around because we’re family but from that and where we were a year ago it’s a long fucking way, not even to mention be equal