#chavrusa

Some Quick Thoughts on the Rambam, Mishneh Torah, and Chavrusa Learning

Mishneh Torah – Talmud Torah Maimonides

In March, my friend Noah asked me if I’d like to learn some Torah with him. Of course I said yet. By Torah here Noah meant the expansive sense of the word, covering texts of religious importance to Jews. After some back and forth, we settled on learning Maimonides (aka the Rambam) laws for the Study of Torah or Hilchot Talmud Torah from the Rambam’s massive…

Recently life has become - for lack of a better or less cliche term... complicated. In only a matter of weeks I went from having a longing for closeness that I couldn’t quite describe to entering the life of someone with a darkness and chaos that rivals my own. And yet... as with myself. There is a shred of light. The capability of love and compassion. 

And now, here I sit, in his room - which is a complete disaster, not that I mind - staring at him as he sleeps. The other woman he loves, his Rani, has gone inside for some air. So I sit with him, my Lord, my Ari, my Mentor, my Master.

I notice how in this energy drained, sickness induced sleep one would not be able to recognize the sheer capability of darkness. The power I normally feel radiating off of him right now lies dormant. 

I am not his submissive. I am not his slave, much as I know there are parts of me that wish I could be that for him. We are equals and yet disoriented. There is power between the two of us but it is shared. 

It’s crazy to believe that in just a short amount of time I would have developed the kind of love I have for this man that I do now. 

Last night he asked me about my relationship with G-d, which I told him was complicated and still forming. I suppose you could say me and the Big Guy are still in the friend zone. I think it’s hard for him to accept that I am religious, let alone Jewish since he has such a stained experience with Faith.

My Chavrusa keeps pushing me to get back to Synagogue and focus on my conversion. I still need to find a Rabbi to sponsor me. I have half a mind to ask the one who I know is Queer and Kinky, considering I ran into him at Wicked Grounds. It would certainly make being open about aspects of my emotional and recreational life easier to talk about.

I also told him that I was Aromantic last night. This left him feeling, insecure. I could see him questioning my love for him on his face. I had to reassure him that I do feel love for him. I just do not feel romantic attraction to people. I can experience intense love but it is independent of the concept of romantic love. I have intense love for my Chavrusa/QPP in a similar way. They however are not in a partnership with me. I am in a partnership with my Ari. This is what allows those feelings to develop as intensely as they have. 

He asks me if I wasn’t romantically attracted to him why did I want to go out with him and pursue this. I was and am sexually attracted to him. I am Sapiosexual meaning I feel sexually stimulated by intellectual connection. The first moment I met him we were quipping back and forth and I was so enticed. 

The more I got to know him emotionally the more I realized how important he was and is to me. 

He said I love you first to me which was new. I said it back immediately. The bigger thing for me came later when I told him... “You are my best friend.”

He is my partner. So much connection and power lives between us and I cannot imagine my life with out him. 

Well I suppose I have brought you up to speed.