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Animals around the world have called on world leaders and the scientific community to prioritise the creation of a vaccine to protect them from the threat of Robert F Kennedy Jr.

This follows numerous bizarre and somehow real animal stories related to exposure to RFK Jr including him ditching a dead bear in the park, him having an attack emu and him cutting off a raccoon’s penis.

“Enough is enough,” said a representative for animal kind, “how long must we suffer in increasingly bizarre and slapstick ways?”

“From what we’ve heard any vaccine will work at keeping him scared and away from us.”

Pope Leo XIV has once again ramped up his war against AI, this time advising followers to start attacking data centres while doing their daily prayers.

This comes as he gave another speech calling out the soulless, inhumane, unable-to-feel-joy AI founders and their slop machines.

“We must fight back against this affront against God and man. AI is almost as much of an abomination as the images it generates.”

Down on his luck billionaire James Packer has taken a break from his day to day life making millions preying on gambling addicts, to tell the heartbreaking story of how his life was almost “ruined” when he was cruelly forced to follow the law like a peasant.

This relatable story was told during a podcast interview with a journalist which took place on Packer’s mega yacht, explaining the awful situation that saw the billionaire almost unable to sell part of his stake in Crown casino [note: he was required to sell down his majority stake in Crown Resorts as a result of regulatory pressure. This was a condition of Crown's licensing after a royal commission found the company unfit to operate because it facilitated money laundering, with Packer deemed an unsuitable person to hold a casino license. He has since sold at a loss]

“What governments and regulators did to me was evil,” he said after bankrupting yet another working class parent, “no one should have to go through the pain of not getting special permission to break the law.”

“In this country people mock us humble gambling magnates and demand we be persecuted for our humble family businesses that were passed down by our billionaire parents.”

“But things are very hard for us because of the government and regulators acting inhumanely. I mean, what sort of monster makes casinos pay tax and bans them from money laundering?””

Thanks to the existence of timezones and the American voting public, Australians have had to reintroduce a horrific part to their morning routine, finding out whatever dumb shit the President did while we slept.

“Mornings are hard enough as it is,” said Davo from Albury, “but now I gotta check the news to see what he’s managed to fuck up today. There’s always some shit going on with ol’ mate.”

“When I get up I want to be dragging myself to work and grabbing a coffee, not checking to see if America started WW3 or crashed the economy like one of Elon Musk’s self-driving cars.”

Australia Post has delivered a statement regarding the controversial decision to stop shipping to America following Trump’s tariffs, after first leaving a sign on the doors of reporters saying they tried to deliver the statement earlier so the reporters would need to pick it up from a nearby office.

The statement clarified that the tariffs weren’t the only factor in the decision to leave the US market, as they were also just sick and tired of having to deal with Americans.

“We understand that this decision has upset many small business owners around Australia, but we also hope they understand how upsetting it is for us when we have to talk to Americans about the packages.”

“There is a lot of confusion right now surrounding the market, both in terms of cost and also that Americans are just easily confused in general due to having gone to American schools.”

Former Duke of York and ex-sweater Prince Andrew has been sensationally stripped of his royal titles due to allegations surrounding his friendship with notorious paedophile Jeffrey Epstein, but has also dramatically boosted his chances of becoming the next President of the United States.

“Sure, it was disappointing to lose the ‘Duke of York’ title,” Andrew said, “but it turns out in one of the former colonies, America, I can finally be King!”

Tabloids have declared that Andrew’s connection to Epstein is undoubtedly been the worst thing to befall the Royal Family since Prince Harry married someone who was on Suits.

Military action from the US against Iran has achieved its primary goal of overshadowing the latest revelations from the Epstein files including reports that the DOJ hid evidence regarding President Trump.

“Mission accomplished,” declared president Trump, “the threat of reporting on the files has been pre-emptively eliminated.”

“As a bonus we have also killed the brutal dictator from Iran, liberating the country and it’s oil. I mean people.”

“Tragically some Americans will die in the process of protecting those at home, in the files, but that is a sacrifice myself and Netanyahu are willing to make.”

Media mogul and aspiring Bond villain Rupert Murdoch is demanding to know which international media propaganda machine got this deranged egotistical fuck elected as US President in the first place.

Sources close to the apparently still alive Murdoch say he was “mildly annoyed” when Donald Trump began undermining free elections, but has now become “fucking ropable” after learning the former President wants to hurt his bank account.

Trump has filed a defamation lawsuit against the Murdoch-owned Wall Street Journal for alleging Trump sent notorious paedophile Jeffrey Epstein a birthday card.

The President defended his decision to sue by saying “anyone who knows me knows that journalistic integrity is something I hold incredibly close to my heart. I will not rest when I see inaccurate reporting… except perhaps when the world’s most powerful media organisation runs a sustained, baseless campaign claiming an election was stolen from me… then I may let it slide.”

President Trump went on to claim that he had to take legal action to protect his reputation as someone who was only friends with a paedophile, but not someone who sends their paedophile friends birthday cards.