#charmaynetay

A little part of me wishes that this headache gets so severe that when I'm sleeping, it kills me.

At the end of the day, as much as I miss you, as much as I love you, I just want you to be happy.

I wonder if we will ever be able to even become normal friends again... At this point of time, speaking to you doesn't even seem possible. It takes so much energy just to smile and raise my head to pass you that $10 note. I don't think I will have that kind of strength to hold a proper conversation with you...

It's been 1 month. And I haven't gotten over you. Yet, you've already moved on to others. Well, good for you. I still feel broken as hell. I still cry. But you don't care. So why do I even have to go through all these, even after what I've gone through. Is it not enough. You say "just friends" but I'm pretty sure you text your other friends more than me. Because you clearly don't even reply me. But hey, who am I to expect anything from you right? After all, I don't deserve happiness, I don't deserve love. Or anything similar. I wish one day, I have the courage to just jump. But I fear death. And my death will bring about sadness to the people I care about. I don't want them to worry. But that's all I can think of nowadays. You're still the first person to come to mind. You're still the first person I want to tell things to. You're still the one I want to talk to. But after what has happened. I lost you as my boyfriend, and my best fiend. Now, we aren't even talking anymore. It's taking me so much damned self control not to text you, not to call you, not to cry every time I hear your damned name, not to look at your snaps. All of that just to move on. And yet you seem to have moved on perfectly fine. I still miss you every single day. Just yesterday, I was suddenly reminded of your mums cooking and I cried because I can never taste it again. I'm at such a fragile place now and I can't function properly. I hate where I am now. I just wish it would all end once and for all.

I don't want to go through this sadness, this pain. It's going to take me a very long time to get over this. And when I do, I never want to go through this again. This is a huge lesson learnt. And I will not open my heart anymore.

What am I doing wrong?