obsessed with this glance as the epitome of how ilya loves because it looks so peaceful and relaxed and nonchalant but it’s really not. it’s the most intense and desperate stare. yes he is awake. no he could do even the most basic math right now. he’s busy. he’s looking at shane and shane’s going to wake up soon. shane will wake up and realize there are easier, more acceptable, more lovable options and he’ll leave. he’ll leave if I’m not chill so I am going to be chill by staying here and drilling a hole into the back of his head with my gaze until he knows I love him and this will work. it will. it is very important that I cannot face him. this only works from where he cannot see me, duh. I must soak up every nanosecond of this moment and how it feels before it slips through my fingers and maybe I’d enjoy it more if I didn’t have a 36-step ensnaring plan to execute after this nap but I do, so I do not intend on letting my guard down at any point. I’ll love you so much that it will make me paralyzed with fear. I’d be on alert for even the slightest hitch in your breath because everyone in my life has been five steps closer to death than I’ve ever wanted them to be. no I can’t feel my arm. I just feel you.
