#chapternineteen

http://my.w.tt/UiNb/u4Hg3VaNSE

Spencer With her face to his thigh, the exhaustion finally took the woman, bringing her to fall asleep in the one and only place she could achieve true sleep.  For more than an hour, she slept there at his thigh.  Twice the nurse attempted to wake her to no avail.  It wasn’t until the phone in the room rang, to which the nurse answered, coming to Spencer’s side to whisper in her ear that Rhys needed her upstairs in the nursery.  At the sound of his name, her eyes opened wide, bloodshot and exhausted, eyes scanning the room.  “Rhys what?”  She asked, her voice raspier than before as she realized where she was once again.  Hearing the nurse repeat what she had said, she rose to her feet, nodding her head as she leaned over John.  Her hand still in his, offering a firm squeeze there as she pressed her lips to his forehead.  “I’ll be back, I promise.”  Glancing up to the nurse, she requested that any and all future information on her husband’s condition be filtered directly to her first and foremost, done playing secondary information games.  She was back on her feet and as his legal partner, she wanted it all before it was filtered through the ranks.  The nurse easily agreed, as was customary within the hippa laws.  Spencer left her room number, as well as John’s cell phone number, as her own phone was still within her car in the parking lot.  As she opened the door, she came face to face with Judas and Jade, offering a quick apology for how long she was in there before she’d excuse herself upstairs to her own room where she would spend the next few hours with Rhys, awaiting further information from the doctor’s downstairs.

When finally Rhys was twenty-four hours old, discharge forms were brought to the room.  It was at this point that Spencer would come to face to face with that which she knew already; none of the things that were happening were supposed to happen on her own.  When asked if she had someone that could drive her home from the hospital, she nodded her head, asking only that she and Rhys be taken to the I.C.U.  With the staff in the know of the situation, they agreed, though it was customary to see the new mother and baby to the parking lot.  There in the I.C.U., with baby Rhys in her arms, she sought out Judas, finding that he was now in the room with John.  Not wanting to interrupt this time, she stood awkwardly outside of the door with Jade, waiting for Judas to emerge.  In the interim, Jade was doting on the infant she was just now laying eyes upon for the first time, going on and on about how she knew Spencer was pregnant even before she knew herself.  Spencer would offer a half-smile from time to time, attempting to be cordial there, when all she really wanted to do was ask Jade why she’d dropped off the face of the earth on her.  But instead, she’d bite her tongue, answering questions about how big he was, how much he weighed, enduring comments of how handsome he was, and how he looked just like John; all the while, waiting for Judas to emerge from the room.

Judas “That woman of yours, she ain’t easy, Johnny.” Judas sighed at his brothers side, fingertips grazing over the other man’s hand. An action that may have previously been scolded. They were men. They didn’t do that sort of thing. Yet, the need for that contact to assure Judas that he was still alive went a long way. “I’m trying. I am but…you’re better at this then I am. You’ve always been the Papa Bear. You take care of things. You hold it all down. I just fuck things up. I think it is time for you to take over. I’m apologizin’ in advance for anything I might do that you won’t like. I know you will find out about it. I’ll let you get one good shot in for that, not to mention for lettin’ them put you in a paper dress.” flashing an inappropriate and dimpled smirk though it was filled with sorrow and short as his eyes drank over the man before him still being sustained by the beeping of machines. He stood up, knowing his time was drawing short. “I’ll see you tomorrow…” somehow knowing that Johnny was listening to him, he kissed the man’s forehead before he was drawing back. Unable to turn his back on him as he made it towards the door, peaking it open where two cops still manned the door and meeting the faces of Spence and Jade along with the little guy. “Ah, Mister John Junior.” he teased of the infant as Jade held him, stealing a kiss of his cheek. Jade playfully reprimanding him for stealing her time.

Spencer As Judas exited the room, Spencer felt a bit of relief there.  She and Judas might not be close, but at this point in time he was about the only person she could honestly stomach that didn’t feel fake or like some sort of fair-weather sister in law.  Watching as he interacted with Rhys, she couldn’t help that nasty feeling in the pit of her stomach that if she kept up the way this first twenty-four hours had gone, the boy would think Judas his father instead of John.  As a nurse approached the room, Spencer grasped her arm, pulling her to the side.  “I don’t know what you might already know, but this guy in here, he’s my husband and that’s his newborn son right there.  He hasn’t been out of the hospital and exposed to no germs at all.  I was just wondering if maybe…” before she could ask, the nurse shook her head no, refusing to allow the child into the room, which Spencer already expected.  Nodding her head, she released a held breath, attempting not to get mouthy with the woman as she had already had her own altercation with her earlier that morning.  Spencer retreated back to where Jade and Judas were with Rhys, realizing she was going to have to get a lot of shit figured out real fast.  Her gut said to call her mother for help, but it wasn’t a possibility in the slightest.  She’d have to rely on purely Judas and Kenneth at this point, but knew John might not be too pleased with one of those options.  While Jade held the baby, that left Spencer the opportunity to slip down the hall a bit with Judas, needing to ask him a favor.  “Can I talk to you?” She asked, tilting her head to one side to gesture she’d like to talk down the hall a bit out of earshot.

Judas As they slipped away from the baby and Jade, he heard her question. A nod of his head though only able to wonder what she had in mind for him. “Your favors are scary.” he reminded her, recalling the first one that would have had his head on a pike with his brother. “Is it gonna’ get me in trouble?” The entertainer asked, fingers brushing through his hair as his back hit the wall down the hall. Away from Jade and the baby as his eyes slipped down towards that spot. He wasn’t attempting to play daddy. Just uncle. God knows there was hardly enough positive male attention in this family, much less positive attention in the first place.

Spencer “My favors aren’t scary,” she responded, shaking her head as that was entirely not true.  Her favors were direct and she made no secret of what she needed when she asked for one.  This one though, she was slightly nervous about.  “John and I had a deal… it was weeks ago when we first started talking about the house.  I told him I wanted Rhys’ first place he was taken to be to his permanent house.  The hospital won’t let me drive myself off the property… even though my car is right outside.  So essentially, I need you to drive me out of the parking lot, then back into the parking lot where I can then take my car and the actual favor here… the house keys.  Do you have them?”

Judas "Or I can just take youse." He offered, hearing his question where his hand was fishing in his pocket and withdrawing his keys. A specific keychain with one new, golden key upon it marked as the one. "We can come back and get your car later. I'll get Jade to help me, just need your keys." He stressed, as the woman was taking a round about way to an easy concept yet not seeing her issues with Jade. The woman had once been, essentially, his mother. Yet, she got a right to live to and had left it all behind for school. Not quite understanding that her and Jade weren't good for the jump as everything seemed okay for that brief moment in time.

Spencer “I don’t want you to take us anywhere but out of the lot and then back to my car.  Someone needs to be here with John,” she stated rather quickly, knowing he might not much like that which she was saying, but she couldn’t be at someone else’s mercy when it came to being carted around.  She needed time alone to figure things out, to figure them out herself.  She might not be able to walk in that house with John at this point in time, but she’d be damned if she was going to take Judas on as a pseudo dad to Rhys, going through the dad motions that John should be there for.  She wouldn’t let him be a placeholder for this, or anything else for that matter.  Making no mention of any issue with Jade, as that was an internal issue that even John wasn’t in the know of, she kept to the facts of what she wanted to happen here.  Everyone was so quick to say if she needed anything to let them know, this was her letting someone know what she needed.  “I want to take him and do like John and I planned.  John being here wasn’t part of the plan, but I want to stick to what we both wanted as best as I can.”  She attempted to explain, though she wasn’t sure this was going to make sense to anyone else, but if anyone else could potentially understand, she’d hope it would be the one person that had been helping John get the house ready.

Judas "Okay but like...I get you want that but he's not able right now. Let me help out, Spence. He'd want me to." He reminded her, as he was now in the place of his brother and doing a shitty job of it though met at with resistance every step of the way. Not seeking to rattle the woman, he only gave up a sigh of submission. "I'll do what you want but you ain't gettin' rid of me entirely. I'm going to be there for you. You are my sister, he is in my nephew...in this family, we don't got a lot going for us but we look after one another. One of the benefits of having that last name of yours."

Spencer “I didn’t say I wanted to get rid of you entirely…” she whispered under her breath, only finding herself misunderstood on the matter and chained by the last name by all of these people who suddenly wanted to be around.  She only tolerated it from Judas more because he had been so kind as to allow she and John to stay with him, even though in truth Spencer had never wanted that either.  Coming to realize what she wanted was falling lower and lower on the charts as everyone tried to do what they could for John.  Knowing she was just part of a package deal at this point as no one tried with her outside of the man.  She knew her place and it was not in the midst of a bunch of James’.  It was with John and with Rhys.  The rest was just where she had to be, not what she wanted in the slightest.  If she got what she wanted, she would have had two parents there, willing to put aside their differences with John for the sake of their grandchild.  If she had what she wanted, she would have had her husband in the room overnight with her instead of a brother in law who texted his congratulations when John made her cum the night before that.  She would have had her best friend there instead of a woman who had once been close to that, only to fall off the radar when Spencer needed her most, yet reappeared when John needed her most.  Spencer’s need to isolate herself and Rhys in that moment had nothing to do with anything outside of that she felt completely isolated anyways.  Everything felt fake to her when it came to interactions with these people who made it a constant reminder to her that John would want this or John would want that, yet she was met with argument when she mentioned what she wanted.  “Actually, if you could just give me the key to the house, I can take care of the rest,” she finally added, her eyes lifting up to his, just as bloodshot red as they had been throughout most of the day, just needing to complete what she and John had intended, then figure out how in the hell she was supposed to balance the needs of a newborn and her husband in I.C.U. where her newborn wasn’t permitted.  The situation was shit through and through and wasn’t getting any better, so it was at the point where she had to figure it out and the last place she could figure it out was surrounded by people who were telling her what John would and wouldn’t want as if she didn’t know her own husband.

Judas Hearing her speak, he wasn't getting through. Too hard headed to see his attempt to help her and the baby to ease their suffering. He wasn't going to fight her for it though. He nodded simply, looking down at his keys which he pulled off of his key rings and handed them to her. "You are gonna have some furniture delivered later in the day. I'll be by to stock your kitchen. You got my number if you need me." He resolved, willing to let her be if she so desired.

Spencer Her determination was deeply rooted in her need to sort things out, even if it meant striking out on her own to do it.  The way she saw it, these people had John and Rhys’ interests at heart, which was fine and appreciated, but just as she was feeling getting second and third hand information from everyone else about her husband’s condition, she felt the same about this.  She could stand on her own two feet when necessary and though in this, she didn’t know quite how to do that, she would not admit it to a soul in the process.  “Alright,” she agreed on the furniture, nodding her head in agreement, though she wasn’t too keen on him stocking her kitchen.  She’d figure it out.  “I’ll take care of it, in case I’m not there when you’d stop by.  Gonna go by the house and do what John and I had planned to do… then I need to go by your place and get a few things, then I’ll run by the store and be back here.  What time are they delivering furniture?”  She asked, wanting to tailor her plan to be there for that, although she was already feeling the weight of it all without even stepping a foot outside the hospital doors yet.  “Actually, fuck it.  This is too much.  I’ll call and cancel the furniture, take Rhys to the house as planned, grab some stuff from your place, shower and get back here…” Trying to work it all out in her head, she was failing.  There was literally no way she could do anything she felt she should be doing at this point, and be there for John.  She needed to be in three places at once and all she could think was this new baby was the one paying for all of this while she and Judas attempted to measure who this all affected more.  The need to run was there, but just as strongly as the need to build a fort there at John’s door, blocking out the world and staying with him.  Feeling torn was not something she was accustomed to and it wasn’t getting any better any faster as she attempted to sort it all out.  She wanted to be with John, but Rhys couldn’t, leaving her to literally have to choose between the man she loved and the child they loved; either way, she lost.  Shaking her head, she left Judas with the key, deciding to say fuck it to her and John’s plans to take Rhys home to his room first and foremost, instead determining the fort was about the best idea there was, even if it didn’t involve an actual fort being built.  She’d sit outside that room with Rhys, knowing as soon as John’s vitals were stable and he was out of the woods that he’d be moved to a normal room in which she and Rhys could room in with him and that would be the end of that battle, if only she could get through the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours or so.  Knowing she’d gotten through worse stake outs than this, she’d treat it in that manner.  “Nevermind,” she offered, scratching the entire thing out loud as she walked back over to Jade, allowing her to remain in her aunt heaven while Spencer took up a seat there on the floor by the door.  At a loss, yet unwilling to leave her child out there without her, she’d get as close to John as she could to wait out the darkest part of this process until things would start to look up.  Glancing back up to Judas, frustration there in her hues, she released a heavy sigh.  “Thank you for trying, but it’s not gonna work.”

Judas "It is gonna' work. Go home. Let him try out his new crib. Get some rest. Their is a pull out couch there at least and relax...John wo-" stopping just short of suggesting that John would want her to take of herself, to take Rhys home, to be away from his bedside table. The man held the keys heavy in his hand. "Let me watch him. I can lighten your load a little bit at least. When he gets another room, you and the baby can be up here all you want but for now...there is nothin' anyone can do. I'll call you with updates." Making the attempt though he doubted they'd be accepted, it was at least worth the go. She didn't call them family yet neither him nor Jade would allow anything to happen to the three of them.

Spencer Hearing Judas out at least from her seated position against the wall, it sounded so good, yet she knew she couldn’t actually sleep without John.  It had been that way since the time they married, always together, and shown itself fully to her over the last few months.  She couldn’t sleep without the man and that was all there was to it.  The idea of leaving John there had sounded good in theory at first, like she’d be completing what it was she and John had wanted for Rhys in the beginning, but now that the key was there before her to the house John had bought and worked on for them, all it felt like to her was a reminder that John wasn’t there and might never be there again.  Knowing she could never forgive herself if she were at home when something went wrong, finding out through a phone call or god forbid third party that John hadn’t made it.  Just the thoughts running through her mind would be enough to draw forth a fresh wave of tears washing into the woman’s eyes.  It didn’t work without John and that was all there was to it.  “I’m not going there until John takes us,” she finally resolved, shaking her head as her forehead lowered to her knees.  Her thoughts quickly returning to how excited John had been to show her the images two nights prior, before her heart was shattered twice over in twenty-four hours.  It was all too much and she was quickly losing her way.  She didn’t know right from wrong and felt herself closing off further and further, even from those that were there willing to do what John would want… The fact was, she couldn’t leave him.  She thought she could, but she couldn’t actually go through with it.  “If I leave, what if…” she began, unable to finish that statement before the tears were too heavy.  Keeping her head down, her eyes tightly closed, feeling as though she were being ripped apart from the inside all over again.  

Judas "He ain't gonna." He returned, knowing what she was thinking but it wasn't going to happen. He was fighting and would continue to fight. Now more than ever as he had tasted his first bit of Rhys love and wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. While John had the will, he had the way. "He's gonna be fine. You'll go back to that house. All three of youse but for now, punishin' yourself ain't gonna pull him back any further. He'll be back and you best believe someone is gonna pay the piper if we don't act right. Especially if what he deems as fit wasn't done for that boy over there." He reminded her. His first night out of a hospital spent out of his bed? Unacceptable. "Take him home...or at least let me take him home. His love for youse is written all over that house. Just don't let this baby lay up outside of a hospital room all night."

Spencer At first, he was getting somewhere with her.  Reminding her that John was a fighter was exactly what the woman needed to hear.  But as he went on, he went too far, telling her to take him home or to let someone else take him… just the thought of letting someone else take her child anywhere was unacceptable… then to go as far as to tell her not to let the child stay up outside of the hospital room all night, she’d shoot her head up in an instant.  Fire there at her eyes as she glared up at the man who had no room to tell her how to care for a child.  “Do not try to tell me what to do… you can suggest, and you can offer your help, but do not tell me what to do with me or Rhys.  I will do what I feel the need to fucking do and it will do you right to remember that,” she stated firmly, knowing regardless of his bloodline attachment to John, he could never truly understand what she was going through, nor would Jade.  No one in her immediate presence could possibly know what it was to have their spouse, their only attachment in the world lying defenseless at the hands of their own father all the while just an hour after their child was born.  When they should be celebrating the arrival of their son.  When everything should be looking the best it ever would, she was watching the walls fall and she’d be damned if anyone tried to tell her they understood.  Though Judas hadn’t said that exactly, his determination on what she should and shouldn’t do had finally pushed her too far.  She was doing the best she knew how to do and hearing from someone she barely knew about how she needed to do it differently was the last thing she needed.  Rising to her feet, she glanced to Rhys, then back to Judas before turning to Jade.  “How about you and Judas take a walk.  Rhys and I will hold down the fort while you’re gone.  I’m not asking, I’m highly suggesting.  Because if I hear the phrase ‘John would want’ or ‘take him home’ or ‘don’t let this baby’ one more time, I might lose it.”  Turning her eyes back to Judas as she was situating Rhys back into her own arms, she continued without missing a step.  “Go get some air.  Go home and get some rest.  Take a shower.  Do all of the things you want me to do, but do not tell me to leave him again.”

Judas "You think I'm afraid of you losin' it?" instantly drawing a reaction out of him as she spoke, 'suggesting.' She had a little too much mouth on her and not enough to back it up. Already ready to start back at her. To dig his teeth in regardless. "J..." Jade's voice sought him out, recognizing the tone in his voice despite the fact that he was trying to help all three of them. His eyes shot to Jade. "Relax." She counseled, swallowing hard. Judas looked back at Spencer and back at the baby. Sucking it up even if she wouldn't. "Don't make a fuckin' differences to me. Let her be here when 5 by 5 rolls in." Grabbing his nearby chair, giving it a push from the opposite wall of where Spencer was. Pushing it none too gently to the wall where he tossed her keys onto the ground between them and sat down. Damned if he did, damned if he didn't. Drawing his hat over his eyes, his arms crossed. Head leaning into the back wall as he got comfortable for the long haul knowing who was only a matter of time from entering the hospital as it was from that woman that this woman would be cut down to her size yet no one present wanted that for Johnny's sake or for the baby.

Spencer As Jade attempted to reel Judas in, Spencer showed no fear, nor would she.  It wouldn’t be the first or the last time she’d come to blows with one of John’s kin, but in the eyes of that hospital as well as any other legal entity, Spencer was the one with the rights and she well knew it.  As Judas made his intentions known, there would be but one thing that would stand out to her aside from his direct disrespect for her own wishes, though they all seemed to be so intent on ‘helping’ as long as it was what they deemed John would want.  “When five by five rolls in… you think for one second that I’m going to allow your mother anywhere near John or this baby, you’ve got another fucking thing coming.”  Seemed Judas forgot a little something called the hipaa law, as well as the fact that legal kin was her placement, not his nor anyone else formerly connected to the man.  When it came to medical situations, it was her and her alone.  Aside from the fact that all she had to do was say one word to the officers at that door and she’d have the woman escorted from the premises without a single finger lifted.  “Better call her and tell her not to bother wasting her drug money for gas.  She’s denied entry now and right up until the point in time that John can tell me otherwise.”  She stated, playing that power card in that very moment just as she knew John would do to protect her from her own parents.  Delia lost her right to be near them the moment she told Spencer that John was fucking around on her, and if not then, then the time she showed up at their apartment and laid hands on Spencer.  There was no way Spencer would allow such and if it meant tossing out every single one of the James’, she’d do it and have legal standing to do so.  “Try me.”  She stated, glancing over her shoulder at the officers already well prepared to have them all removed, not giving two shits what any of them thought of her by the end of it.  Her job was to protect Rhys and John, not to suck up to any one of these that now made their intentions true there.  Not wanting to get her out of there for her best interest or even Rhys’, but for the piece of shit excuse of a mother to gain access.  Now that Spencer knew what he was up to, she was done with the man entirely; fate sealed.

Judas "Judas has been swaying her from being here all day and all night." Jade but in in defense of her brother as he was made into the enemy here when he didn't want his mother here either. Simply breathing and clicking his shoes into the floor in attempt to keep cool. Not out of fear of being kicked out. Out of respect for his brother knowing he'd say somethings he couldn't take back and he'd disrespect her. "If it was up to her, she would have been here last night. Both of us, Judas specifically, have been delaying her." Her tone simply suggesting that the other woman didn't know who her enemies were here and her allies when the older brother had been guarding his brothers door from their mother and not wrapped up in attempting to disrespect her wishes contrary to popular belief. "Nah, fuck it, Jade. Let her handle shit her way. She can do what she wants. When she winds up here and she's got all Delia's unnecessary 'mother of the year' drama and she's got a scene, she can remember that someone here her high and mighty ass chased off." Addressing Spencer as if she wasn't even there, he was giving up. Keys on the ground. His cellphone to follow. Giving proof that a Judas James tantrum was of legend. Especially when emotions were running high and he knew what was going to happen here. Standing up, knowing he had to remove himself as she was about to get what she wanted.

Spencer “Riiiight.  Keeping her away until what?  Magically you want me to take Rhys and leave for a little while?  To do something for us?  To take care of us?  All while knowing your mother is on her way?  Get the fuck off it, Judas.  You can’t go from saying you want what is best for us, to get some rest and so on and so on and then all of a sudden when I say I want to stay with your brother, then all of a sudden you are throwing your two-bit-whore of a mother at me?  That she’s coming rolling through here, like it’s some shit I ain’t faced down before?  So pick one.  You can’t have it both ways.  Either it’s a- you wanted us to go do what John and I had planned to do together, and maybe get a little rest or b- you were paving the way for your mother.  You don’t get to play both sides of it.  So which one is it?  You lyin’ then or you lyin’ now?  I don’t want to be a raging bitch here, but the only one of us with any fuckin’ right in that room is me and if you want to push me, I’ll make damn sure that I fully enact my rights as the spouse and thus trump any other fucker that wants to come this direction.  There are laws in place for this reason and I know that you know I am not afraid to take them, every one, for the full legal standing they were designed for.”  As she spoke to the man as he rose to his feet, she was already pulling out John’s phone, dialing the number to the department.  Bringing the phone to her ear, listening to the ringing on the other end as she awaited the voice on the other end that would do a far better job of keeping that woman at minimum a hundred feet from her and the baby, which at this point in time would include John as well.  While she was at it, she’d add in a few other names as well, including Judas, Jade, Gia, Vic, and Blade just to cover her bases if he wanted to push her.  Before that last ring, she glared in Judas’ direction.  “It’s your call, Judas.”  She stated as the voice on the other end of the phone picked up, stating the department’s name.  “This is Detective Spencer Reese James, requesting back up.”

Judas "Does your retarded ass really not get that I was tryin' to keep Delia from comin' after you AND laying eyes on that fuckin' baby? I was tryin' to handle this WITHOUT you. That is my fuckin' job here and that is my fuckin' brother in there. I know you don't get shit about blood. I know you don't get it but this is what your fuckin' blood did to mine!" Finally letting the yell emerge, he couldn't keep it down anymore. The woman knew nothing about the politics of this family. "SHE is going to blame you for him bein' laid up in that hospital and you know what? She might not be wrong. I didn't blame you for this shit once but now I see the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You don't know shit about me. You don't know shit about him. You don't know shit about this family and what we've been through but wait til he's back on his feet and he learns all about the bullshit you've been pullin'. We'll see whose call it is." He alleged, watching her call the cops making the man blatantly smirk. "Go right ahead, Spence. What are you and your cop buddies gonna do? Stab me? Bring 'em. You and your fuckin' partner and your whole department. I'll show you what that badge means around these parts. You are lucky you got that ring on your finger." He reminded her, the hand at his chest from Jade quickly becoming a push as she tried to talk him down before pushing him out. The guards stepping in to attempt to escort him out but by then he was already walking out. "Jesus fuckin' Christ. Guess she's gettin' us all stabbed today." He muttered out loud before he hit the doors and was slipping into the parking lot to get the fuck out of there.

Spencer It was in this moment alone that Spencer would realize she literally had to look out for herself from now on.  This family wanted John back so damned bad, all of them, to throw the shit they had, she didn’t know how much more she could take.  She had dealt with Delia telling her months ago that John was cheating on her, with his own aunt of all people.  She had dealt with Blade saying he was fucking her.  She had dealt with Delia putting her hands on her in her own apartment.  She had dealt with more in one year than any one of them could ever understand, but the last thing she was going to do was stand here, holding their son, and listen to how she was the one that put John in that bed.  As he ran off at the mouth, she barely heard the voice on the other end of that phone asking her location.  “No, cancel that.  I’m fine.  Thanks.”  She stated as she hung up the phone and turned away from the door.  Thanks to Judas, she knew her place and it was not here.  It wasn’t anywhere close to here.  Nearly every one of them had pushed her away at some point in time, this one being Judas’ when he claimed he would understand when she broke.  She’d take whatever backlash came from John on this, if and when he woke up, but in the end, he’d have those people to thank for finally putting her out entirely.  The man none of them seemed to much want until God forbid she wanted him.  Someone who couldn’t be bothered with up until the point that he got a girl that actually wanted him.  But that was never good enough for any of them because they all wanted what they couldn’t have.  Damn John for getting a life better than the rest of them.  So much for family, as they were nothing like the kind of people she wanted her son raised around.  Her own father’s pride is what had drove that knife into John.  Not her.  The man who wanted to say the night before that this wasn’t her fault now decided to make it that it was, which shouldn’t be any surprise seeing as it was the second inconsistency in five minutes she had picked up on with him.  No.  He wanted to say John would buck against this when he woke up, then fine.  But she’d be damned if she was going to be the James family punching bag now or ever and she knew John wouldn’t have let half that shit fly if he had been there.  Unguarded.  Unprotected.  On her own.  Picking up the keys off the floor, careful not to drop Rhys in the process.  Tucking the keys as well as the phone into her pocket, she gave one last look to John through the window and took a turn down the hallway, knowing the nursing staff had already been instructed that all information on John’s condition came through her first and was not to be given to anyone else according to present law.  At that moment, she was officially done with the Reese family and the James family, left exactly where she always knew she was; on the outside.

——— Scene 2 ———

Spencer It was just another stake out, she reminded herself through that first night.  With a car seat on the floor beside her serving as a safe haven and resting spot for Rhys, she opted for the floor outside of John’s door just as she had done previously.  From time to time, she would leave Rhys with Jade to go in and be with John, but never for too terribly long as she couldn’t risk Delia’s arrival at this point, not wanting the woman to come near her son.  Not surprising, she hadn’t seen Judas any further, but was able to repair some of the damage done with Jade.  The two had been friends and although they grew apart for a period there, she seemed understanding enough about how Spencer was feeling about everything going on, seeming to bounce back rather quickly, even giving her words of encouragement on how to do the same with Judas.  

The next morning, Spencer finally dozed off there on the floor for the better part of an hour before Jade would wake her, finding Spencer in an exhausted state to finally encourage the woman to go home for just a couple of hours.  Spencer refused, as she had been protesting for a full day now, but even Jade could tell her resolve was declining.  “Maybe just for a shower and a nap, but then…” before Spencer could finish her words, Jade was agreeing, promising she’d stay in the meantime.  Reluctantly, Spencer rose to her feet, lifting the car seat after double checking the straps there against Rhys’ chest.  A diaper bag over one shoulder, her overnight back over the other, and a car seat in her hand, she’d check in with the nurse’s station one last time to ensure all updates came to her immediately.

With only a few personal things there in the bag, it would be enough, knowing nearly everything Rhys needed was already in her car from she and John’s shopping trip that had been interrupted when she went into labor.  A half hour later, she was pulling up in the driveway of the house.  A house she hadn’t seen yet.  A house John had bought for their family.  A house that she held the key to.  Too tired to notice Judas’ car on the edge of the street, she pulled into the driveway, getting her and Rhys out, leaving the car seat behind as she drug the two bags over her shoulder.  With the keys in hand, she slipped them into the handle as she spoke softly in a tired voice to the little one.  “Your dad was supposed to be here for this…” Already her voice was breaking just under those few words as she faced something she didn’t want to do without John.  “So you and I will just see this together for the first time.  See what daddy did for us, right?  Tell him about it later when he wakes up.”  Still talking to him, talking herself through this, convincing herself she could in fact do this.  Opening the door, she’d not be aware of anyone else in the home as she turned around and locked the door, eyes surveying the space as they came inside, tears already flooding her eyes entirely.  “I’m sorry, Rhys…” she whispered as she turned around, unlocking the door, pulling it open, not entirely sure she could do this on her own.  

Judas By the time the front door opened, Judas had already been hard at work for several hours. Closing the windows as it had sufficiently aired out and popping on the A/C so it was good and cooled down by the time his monster-in-law arrived. Going far beyond the call of duty. A stocked kitchen, a few bottle warmers set up around the house for her convenience, even the bathroom stocked with shampoo and soap. Down to the towel and supply closets, pantries and everything in between. Maybe overcompensating due to the pain in him. Regardless, he wasn't expecting her. Quite hoping to be gone by the time that front door opened but instead, he was making the bed in the master bedroom. Tucking in the edges before he was slipping into Rhys' room to assure it was all perfect. Johnny had wanted nothing to do with a traditional biker theme for obvious reason. A grey, white and black theme had won out. A custom graffitied decal of his name on the wall above his crib that had gone entirely too long uninhabited. Shelves stocked with onesies, diapers and blankets. All to assure this was as easy as possible before he was pulling back and preparing for his swift exit.

Spencer As she pulled open the door to leave, feeling every bit of how empty the house was without John there to proudly guide them through, to show off what he had done for them, to welcome his son into his own home, to welcome his wife the same, she’d hear the sound of feet against hardwood floors to stop her in her tracks.  Her gun and badge buried within her bag, already kicking herself for something she knew better than to do on John’s own words in their first day of marriage; she was to go nowhere unarmed and yet that was exactly what she was.  Easing the bags to the floor quietly, she slipped the zipper of her own bag opened, hand darting inside to find her firearm.  As she gripped the handle in her hand, she was already sick to her stomach at the fact that she was holding her infant son and gripping a pistol at the same time.  Taking the corner by the door as it seemed her best vantage point, yet afforded her being slightly out of sight from the hall where the noise was coming from, she brought the baby to her shoulder, her hand spanning his back to hold him close to her chest as she called out loudly.  “Hello?”  Eyeing the only other exit to the rear of the living space, leaving only windows throughout the home, she closed her eyes for only a moment, attempting to keep her emotions in check for the moment, though they were anything but.

Judas Hearing the voice downstairs, it didn't seem imperative to him to call out. Hardly the first time he'd have a firearm pulled on him and it wouldn't be the last. Keeping Rhys' door open to assure that everything cooled down, he was slipping towards the steps and down them. Appearing more and more each step as his eyes found the woman in the threshold. Not saying anything as he was on his way as he spotted her with that firearm. Glad to see she had it on her, especially with that baby. Stepping past her, the man made it a point to show her the spare that belonged to Johnny. Nothing a little flirting with the nurse couldn't land him, right? "Your kitchen is stocked...as everything else is. I got a grocery delivery set up twice a week. Just a standard order. Log in and password is on the fridge if or when you wanna' change it. Air is on 70...and everything is done." He remarked honestly, a wave of his spare key in his hand as he hung it up on the recently acquired keyring holder to the side of the door marking his exit.

Spencer As she made him out coming down the stairs, she’d lower the firearm to her side, breathing a sigh of relief.  The idea of firing that thing anywhere near a child was never something she would enjoy, but her own child, a chance of having it turned on her would be not only her end, but his.  Relaxing it there to her side, she listened as he fed her a massive amount of information in a short time period.  “Okay, thank you,” she offered, clearly her exhaustion stealing away all ammunition she had against the man the previous day.  “I didn’t expect to see you here…” she stated honestly, stepping slightly further inside the home than she ever thought she’d survive, placing the firearm to the countertop as she turned towards him as he hung up John’s keys.  “…but I’m glad you’re here.”  Entirely softer than her tone had been previously, she tilted Rhys back to the side in her arm as she had become quite accustomed to carrying him.  “I know I’m probably your least favorite person right now and I know I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have said before, and for that there is no excuse.  Only my apologies.  I know you were only trying to help and I just wasn’t ready to hear it yet… I wasn’t fair to you.”  She paused for a moment, allowing that a moment to set in before she’d step towards him, hazel hues tinted with red as she looked up at him with no contempt in her eyes for the man.  “I don’t know the house, and honestly I wasn’t staying, but since you’re here… you think you’d like to do this with us?  Show Rhys his room, and maybe the place wouldn’t feel so wrong?”

Judas His eyes shifted down to the baby as she spoke to him. Unable to meet her in the eye. The weight of the betrayal too mighty for him. He wasn't his brother. He couldn't swallow it all down. He wasn't good at overcoming emotion. Maybe one day she'd understand why given the option between his mother and John, there was no option. His brother would always win. Maybe one day she'd understand this tangled weave in which Johnny was Delia's least favorite child yet being the favorited one was hardly a position of honor. Hearing her suggestion about his nephew, he nodded simply as he approached. Ready to take him. Not having much for the woman in that way. He had said things he didn't mean as well but wasn't quite ready to apologize. Maybe he'd warm up. As he took a step forward, there was the clumsy tap of nails on hardwood upstairs. Unfamiliar. Attempting to find his boundaries as the juvenile grey pit found the top of the steps. "He's afraid of the stairs. I had to carry him up there." He added as Scrappy looked on. Whining in sheer excitement.

Spencer It was entirely Jade’s doing that Spencer even had two feet inside the house to begin with.  The idea of coming here and doing this was still something that made everything else seem too real.  It wasn’t right to be here without John, but there was a part of her that thought maybe Judas would be the next best thing.  He had been the one to open his home to the two when Spencer was only a few months pregnant, going through that pregnancy around her enough, even if Spencer did mostly seem to hibernate in the room she and John shared.  He had been the one to tell her what was going on with John, then to stay the night with her in her hospital room, then to take her to see John, and for those things alone, she would be eternally grateful, even if she had let emotion take over the previous day in her outburst with him.  She could only hope that in time, Judas would find her intentions to be to protect the same brother he wanted to protect, as her love for John was as real and as deep as it got.  Going even this long without John was taking a toll on the woman and though she wished to say the worst of it was over, it was a promise she couldn’t necessarily keep.  He was her lifeline and without him, the woman was plain and simply lost.  It was then, as Judas approached Rhys, that Spencer’s attention would be taken to the sounding of his nails upstairs.  A piece of home that would feel like home, a bond that was preexisting without any damage to it at all.  “He was afraid of the stairs at the apartment too,” she commented, remembering she and John having to carry him up and down as well.  “He’ll be alright, in a few years…” she teased as she eased Rhys over into Judas’ arms.  “He’s so little, yet he gets heavy in a hurry,” she added, speaking of the child, but the same was true for the dog as well.

Judas "Because he's a little butterball." The man added of his nephew held within both arms as he looked down over him. Seeing him fast asleep as usual as he gently rocked him. Glancing up at Scrappy seemingly excited to meet his brother but still too scared of the steps. "I brought home one of his blankets and give it to Scraps, he knows his scent now so should make it a little easier for youse." He added, another reason he needed to flirt with the nurses. A little bit of dimple action got him a long way. "Go take a look 'round." he told her, knowing Johnny would be quite proud of his work here. "That husband of yours could be a contractor if he ever wanted to."

Spencer Unable to not smile at the butterball comment made there, she flashed a tired smile towards Judas.  “Think Mr. Rhys here has his second nickname,” she commented honestly as his father had offered the first one.  Slipping back from where Judas and Rhys were there near the door, her eyes shot instantly up to Scrappy.  “Hey, bud,” she offered in an excited tone he would easily recognize as the same one she’d use when she came home from work previously, only intensifying the clicking of the nails on the flooring.  “Well, come on… can’t carry you no more with Rhys around,” she added honestly as it just couldn’t happen.  He’d been replaced, at least in that aspect anyways.  Stepping in through the living space, she was already more than impressed.  When John promised her a home they could enjoy, that would be what she wanted, she never imagined it to be exactly what she wanted without having ever seen it.  “He’s a good man,” Spencer offered, as that was exactly what she saw in John.  Once she had made a single sweep there along the lower floor, opening closet doors, bathroom doors, truly shooting blind here, she finally returned to Rhys and Judas, slow on her feet from both awe and exhaustion.  “Think it’s time for Uncle Judas to do the honors?”  She asked, eyes shifting to the staircase where she was anxious to see the boy’s rooms.  Giving Judas the position that should have been John’s had not been an easy decision for her, yet once it was said and done, the woman knew she not only did the right thing, but what she believed John to have wanted as she knew he wouldn’t want to think of his wife in tears at the door, unable to enjoy all he had worked so hard for.

Judas "Yeah..." he hummed, only the second time that name had been used in truth as he knew someone carrying Rhys to bed would have made Johnny happy, even if it wasn't him. His son shouldn't have been the one to suffer as he approached the flight of the stairs. Glancing down into that face. Features becoming more clear everyday as his foot found one step, slowly slipping up into the Philly row home but attempting to not wake him up though it seemed impossible to do so.

Spencer A few steps behind him, she made her way up the stairs, her hand gliding there to the railing as she silently searched for John in the home.  Somewhere, she hoped she’d find him, or at least some part of him that would feel strong to her.  She was truly thankful Judas was there, as she would never have made it to that staircase, much less through the front door, but nothing would replace her husband being there.  Able to imagine his hand to the small of her back, the way they had walked the stairs at their own apartment a million times, barely able to get through the front door sometimes before they were at one another.  A warmth came over her as she drew in a slow breath, finding the landing there at the top of the stairs as Judas took those slow steps towards an open bedroom door.  Swallowing hard, she knew this had been John’s focus without even looking, as she had put so much weight on making sure the boy had a room to come home to, her eyes already welling up once again.

Judas Sliding into Rhys room which had cool down significantly, he was quite grateful of the fact given it was his first priority. "Has his own temperature controlled unit. Thermostat is right on the wall here." He added, knowing she was a few steps behind as he walked to the center of the room. An off white area rug under his feet. The furniture a solid white with blue/grey walls and a light grey and dark hardwood as accent colored. That decal on the wall being something Judas had acquired from an original graffiti artist print made specifically for him. "Well, you can't see your room if your eyes are closed..." playfully reprimanding the baby. He glanced back towards Spence. "What do you think?"

Spencer As she stepped inside, she had wondered how it would feel to have absolutely no say in what the baby’s room would look like, truly leaving it to John entirely as she knew he missed out on so much with River, wanting him to have the full experience with Rhys as he would never be taken from him, not for a minute.  Standing just inside the room, hearing him tease at Rhys, though she wasn’t laughing.  She wasn’t even smiling.  Truly overcome with emotion as she let her eyes slowly scan the space.  Doing her best to hold it together, she was failing miserably, though this wouldn’t be the rantings of a protective wife as it had been earlier.  Instead, it would be the depths of her soul being ripped apart as she looked at all John and Judas had put into this room and yet John wasn’t there to enjoy it.  Biting hard at her lower lip as she took another step into the room, losing her battle with those tears as she nodded her head softly.  “It’s beautiful,” she managed, barely getting the words out before the gates would open entirely and there wasn’t a damned thing she could do to stop it.  “I’m sorry,” she whispered, turning away from the room, stepping outside into the hall where she doubled over.  Her cry audible, with no chance of masking it from either Rhys or Judas, giving into the full feeling of it in a manner she couldn’t do in the hospital hallway the day before.  Something only Judas had witnessed in the privacy of her room when she found out what had happened to John.  There was no anger in this cry, just pure pain that could be felt just from the very sound of the woman falling apart at the seams just a few feet outside of Rhys’ bedroom.

Judas Glancing down towards the baby as Spencer broke down in the hallway, he frowned softly. Walking to the corner of the room where a rocking chair stood, sitting down within it as he brought the baby to his chest. Assuring his airway was clear and his nose as he rocked gently back into it. Rubbing his back. Knowing that he was a poor replacement from his brother but he had worked hard on the room and would be back to see it in action. When it wasn't clean anymore and covered in the contents of that shelf. "Soon, bud. Soon." He seemed to promise his nephew. "You and Riv will be able to play in here..." he hummed, pressing his lips to that tiny nose. "And daddy will be right here in this chair instead of me because he's better here then I am." Having no shame in admitting it, Johnny had been paternal since he had been walking.

Spencer The low voice of Judas was not heard through her sobs as he conversed with Rhys within the room.  Making no attempt to bring herself to a calmer state as this would be the first time she truly unleashed every ounce of emotion there within her without fear of spectator.  Knowing well that Judas could hear her melt down, the two had been through enough now that she felt no need to shield it from him either.  The wails of a heartbroken woman as she sunk to the floor outside the child’s doorway in a home unfamiliar to her, yet knowing it was made for her and the boys, she felt little comfort there as she simply couldn’t see it yet.  All she could see in that moment was John’s absence as her mind played tricks on her that it could be that this was the way it was from here on out.  If John wasn’t to make it, Judas would be the only James to show Rhys what a father looked like, but with the word uncle attached.  He wouldn’t have someone to call daddy and worse than that, he wouldn’t /know/ John.  The John she knew.  The John that held her as she cried early in their marriage when her father was displeased with her decision to marry him.  The one who would gather her up and piece her back together when the entire world felt as though they hated her.  The one who didn’t judge her for her wrongdoings as he seemed to know the good in her that she often had to keep under wraps.  It wouldn’t take but a moment there on the floor before Scrappy was there to her feet, laying down against her as his nose nudged her knee, demanding her to focus to him instead of the sadness when in truth, he didn’t understand even more than she didn’t, but it was in that gesture that she would bring her hand to the top of his head, petting him as she whispered through her tears a fresh round of apologies for that which she had put into motion.  

Judas He thought to comfort her but then he remembered what happened the last time he made the attempt. She was inconsolable. So he stuck to the one thing he knew he could do. Tend to the baby who was fast asleep. Each day, his parents distinctive blend of characteristics bled through. Looking a bit more like John each day. Wondering if it was just him having gone so long without seeing his brothers face without the obscurity of tubes and masks. Hearing a soft coo or two from his lips as if he knew exactly what his uncle was talking about.

Spencer It would take Scrappy but a matter of minutes to have Spencer’s tears calming as if the dog designed it that way.  Inching his way closer and closer to her until he was completely on her lap, making himself the center of this reunion.  The house was quiet, and far more space than she or John were accustomed to having.  As the watery haze cleared from her eyes, she encouraged Scrappy to move off of her so she could stand.  While Judas was there in the bedroom with Rhys, she would collect herself up off the floor before easing into the doorway of Rhys’ room to find Judas in the rocking chair.  The sight should have upset her all over again as that was surely to be John’s favorite place in the house, but instead, it felt as though she were just glad there was someone there who loved that boy almost as much as John did.  Her own family couldn’t help her and though she had been reluctant to take help from anyone up until now, it was in this moment that she would realize how much she needed that help.  “I know you have stuff of your own to handle and take care of, but… if you could stay a while?”  The offer was placed, not only her invitation to him to stay beyond that basic tour, but a means of admitting her need for not only help, but company as well.  

Judas "I don't got shit, actually." He stated simply, this was what life looked like for Judas in his attempt at sobriety. Isolation. Swallowing down his urges. Quite frankly, he intended to stay regardless. Nodding. "I'll be here." He stated, hardly having to clear out his schedule. Looking back down at this baby of hers before back up. "When he goes in his crib, you think should be the one to put him in?" He asked her curiously, not that his arms were getting tired, he could have sat there all day. Listening to his calm breathing as he slept the day away. Unaware of the chaos he had entered.

Spencer With confirmation that he was free, it was enough for her not to feel guilty for taking him away from something else.  Truth be told, she didn’t want to be alone there in the house and though she had arrived to bravely do this herself, she hadn’t made it two feet inside without Judas.  It was a hard thing for Spencer to admit she needed someone, but there she was, doing just that.  As his eyes met hers again, asking about that first time into the crib, she’d enter the room.  Silently crossing the space, she leaned down into the baby there in his arms, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek as her hand smoothed against the cap still atop his head.  “I love you,” she whispered, words that would be now freely exchanged in that home without fear of a passerby overhearing.  Words that would no longer be held back or spoken in code as that child deserved to hear them towards him and between his parents, showing him what love looked like as soon as John was within those walls.  Leaning back up, she shook her head.  “You are more than welcome,” she assured as she found herself further within that room than she had made it the time prior.  “Pretty sure I’m in desperate need of a shower and a change of clothes,” she spoke honestly as she’d worn the same thing for two days straight now.  “I have some clothes in the bag downstairs I’ll bring up, if you could tell me which door holds the path to a strong shower head?”  She asked, offering almost a smile as she found the courage to move about the house as if it were her own and try to do what she promised Jade she would do.  A shower, maybe a little sleep, and then return to the hospital with John once again.

Judas Watching her with the baby who deserved all the love in the world, the James kids had sought to break the cycle. Delia only spoke those words when she wanted something and her own mother had been rather stingy with such affection. Yet, this generation would shatter the pattern. As she mentioned a shower, he nodded. Standing slowly. "Yeah, you got two bathrooms actually. Hall bathroom and your master bathroom..." he began, walking with the baby in tow to the door of the hallway. A room still in progress belonging to River was left open as the paint had been drying within as well, a bathroom and her master bedroom. Beige colored walls with expert crown molding and hardwood floors. Still a blank canvas in many ways to the woman's design aspirations. He walked her to one of the two doors. The other being the closet. Wrapping his knuckles at it before he was slipping back out of the bedroom "and hey...you got an envelope there for you on your side table but I think it'll be a weeper. Don't open it unless you are prepared..."

Spencer Not meaning for Judas to stand, she’d follow him out of the room just the same, thankful he was there for that which remained of the guided tour of the home.  As they passed, her eyes drifted to River’s room, that boy being her driving force in truly wanting to do this.  Sure, a part of her wanted it for Rhys, but a strong part of her wanted it for River in their attempt to bring him here, knowing they couldn’t do so without an adequate space to bring him home into.  As the door to the master opened, she stepped within as Judas pointed out for her which was the bathroom and which was the closet.  With the motion of the side table, and an envelope there upon it, she felt her breath stolen already.  Nodding her head, literally waiting for Judas and Rhys to exit the room.  She had been searching for John throughout the time they entered the home, wanting to feel as though he was there in those walls with them, and now she knew where she’d be finding him.  “Thank you,” she whispered, already taking a seat upon the edge of the bed as her hands reached for that envelope.  Holding it to her lap as she met Judas’ eyes once more, a word of warning to him without a word spoken that she’d be opening it.  She had no choice but to open it.  “Leave the door cracked?”  She asked, her own way of saying he was welcome to come back in as the door would not be open at all should she be undressed.  A strong bite there at her lower lip as she opened the envelope, fingertips gripping that which was within as the door was pulled just to the edge of the frame.

Judas "Yessurp." He answered, baby in tow as he stepped out and left the door cracked. Not going to be too far away as Scrappy followed suit behind him. Leaving her to her own devices and that envelope. The envelope reading "Spencer" in his barely legible handwriting. What a doctor would call dyslexia had rendered him terrified of writing and reading, yet, he had made the effort. Within was a thick stock card addressed to her for their first anniversary. The sloppy ink reading within "thank you for sticking by me when I couldn't stick by myself. You put in the work on me more than anyone was ever willing to. We share this milestone along with Rhys' birth. See you next year, love JohnNNY.' A small bit of humor before a P.S. was added. 'I got you a new ring. The old one was a disguise. This one isn't.' A crooked arrow to the back where her brand new wedding ring was tapped to the back. Ironic considering the white golden and prestigious clear cut diamonds encrusted within to be embedded in tape but he had his way about him.

Spencer With all else going on, she hadn’t thought for one moment that John had paid any attention to their approaching anniversary which was upon them.  All excitement was wrapped up in the birth of Rhys, but as she withdrew the stock card from the envelope, she would realize all at once just what she had always been fighting for.  This man who didn’t know love now knew it through and through.  Appreciating each letter written on that card and envelope, the first things he had ever written for her, she pulled the card into her chest without even flipping it over.  The bite at her lower lip fading as the trembling of that lip was simply too much to keep the hold in line.  “God, John,” she managed before turning to her side, leaning back against the bed, over to her side as she held onto the card as if it were his hand.  The pause in tears for the last few minutes would prove to be nothing more than building a reservoir for that which would fall from her eyes now.  Not only was she to be in this house, in this room, without him, but now to have this card that should have been passed from his hands to her own where she’d now be meeting his light eyes.  Her own eyes closing, she pictured him in just that manner, before her, giving her that card with a smirk to his lips.  She’d set the card to the side, bringing both hands to the man’s face, pressing her lips softly to his as she uttered words to his lips that were only shared between them in private.  She could see all of it as the tape was removed and she’d slip the ring to his hand to place on her finger, as it was the only way she could imagine it going.  But as she opened her wet eyes, John was not before her.  Instead, she was alone there in the room he made for them in the house he bought and worked on for their family.  Instead, her fingers were there to the tape, unable to clearly see those details for the tears in her eyes.  Holding a band of white gold pinched between her fingers as she pressed her lips to a stone John chose for her.  Her free hand still holding that card that would be nearly impossible to take from her now, though she could no longer make out the words against the paper.  Tears flooding her over, just when she thought she had gotten herself together.  Now back at square one, finding depths within her that ached though she’d never felt anything quite so deep before.  Should John see her now, he would know just how deeply tied to the man she was, just how in love she was with him when she was sure there must’ve been times he questioned it.  The same words passing her lips again, finding there to be no others as she attempted to dry her eyes, wanting to see that which he had picked for her, though each time she’d wipe them away, she’d get but a flash of that which was before her before her vision was clouded all over again.