#chapter100

DISCLAIMER: This is a modern AU crossover story with Outlander and La Femme Nikita. LFN and its characters do not belong to me nor do those from Outlander.

SYNOPSIS: Unbeknownst to the triad, Jamie's team converge on the monastery.  Meanwhile Karen Yee, Wang Yu and Jonathon Randall escape by helicopter while Jamie and Claire are left to die.

WOO! HOO! CHAPTER 100. 🤗 🤗 🤗 THANK YOU everyone so very much for your continued support of my story over these past 18 months.  I can’t begin to tell you how much I really appreciate all of you who have been along for the ride of Jamie and Claire for all of their trials and tribulations of life in Section One.

All previous chapters can be found at … https://sablelab.tumblr.com/covertoperations

Quando pensavo a questo capitolo come alle "Nozze rosse" di AoT sicuramente non mi aspettavo QUESTO. Capitolo esplosivo (letteralmente) ma che a mio parere necessita di una profonda analisi. Come dicevo nella scorsa recensione (o non lo dicevo ma s'è capito), non sono mai stata una grande fan di Eren pur apprezzando il personaggio nel suo ruolo di protagonista e nelle sue motivazioni (oltre che giuste agitazioni, come avrebbe detto Matteo Montesi). Ad Eren ho preferito altri personaggi, personaggi che hanno la mania di morire malissimo quando esprimo questo apprezzamento a voce alta, quindi, dopo aver letto il capitolo 100 il mio primo commento è stato "Santo cielo Eren, mi sarei davvero aspettata di meglio, speravo tu fossi maturato invece sei ancora qui, dopo quattro anni, dopo che tutti gli altri sono impegnati a sopravvivere con i fantasmi del passato a tormentarli o con l'incubo di un futuro incerto, tu sei ancora qui a dire STERMINERO' TUTTI!!1111ONEONE!!". Ho chiuso il capitolo con molte domande e il giorno dopo l'ho riletto e, soprattutto, l'ho riguardato. E forse, dico forse, qualcosa nei confronti di Eren mi si è un filino addolcito perchè credo che il numero 100 ci mostri solo la punta di un iceberg di sangue e dolore che il nostro protagonista sta facendo emergere piano piano.

Iniziamo quindi a parlare del grande drammaturgo, Willy Tybur (sì, sì, sì mi piaceva TANTO, è colpa mia se è morto ç_ç)

Anzitutto mi scuso con chi legge perchè i nomi che spesso uso sono versioni tradotte letteralmente dal giapponese e tendo a creare un po' di confusione: Willy Tybur per me è sempre stato Vili Teiber. Analizziamo un attimo il nome "Vili", sapendo quanto Yams ami la mitologia norrena e quante affinità con la saga di Odino e compagni ci siano in Attack on Titan.

"Víli è uno degli Æsir, gli dei della mitologia norrena, figlio di Bestla e Borr. I suoi fratelli sono Odino e Vé, i quali insieme hanno ucciso il primo gigante Ymir. Víli è famoso per aver donato all'umanità, le emozioni e l'intelligenza."

Quando Vili ci è stato presentato, il fandom ha iniziato subito a chiamarlo "Thor-Chan" anche per la sua peculiare somiglianza con Chris Hemsworth nella saga Marvel di Thor (prima che si tagliasse i capelli e diventasse simile al frontman di una boyband anni 90). Thor-Chan perchè abbiamo dato per scontato che il portatore del Warhammer Titan fosse proprio lui e qui ricordo una conversazione nella Locanda di Zio Aristofano in cui sollevai proprio questo dubbio perchè nella traduzione inglese non si capiva se Vili si riferisse a sé stesso (parlando delle memorie del gigante) o alla sua famiglia. Il Digital Team, sempre sul pezzo, ci ha assicurato da traduzione originale che Vili parlasse di sé, quindi Thor-Chan è davvero il portatore del Warhammer Titan.

Ma ora ne siamo davvero sicuri? Visto ciò che abbiamo visto nel capitolo 100, siamo davvero sicuri che questo personaggio, questo grande agitatore di folle, questo showman introdotto anche se solo visivamente in un capitolo intitolato "Liar", fosse proprio sincero? Ci ricordiamo come accolse il capitano Magath in casa sua, mostrandogli lo spaccato di vita familiare composto da bambini pestiferi, anziani raccolti in sé stessi e compite signore donne, di cui una sembra evidentemente una domestica e dicendo, cito testualmente "Se sei a capo dei Guerrieri, allora ti sarà bastata un'occhiata per capire chi nella famiglia detiene il Martello da Guerra, giusto?" Perchè una battuta del genere quando il portatore sei tu? Magath gli risponde che non ne ha idea ma Vili sorride e come il gatto di fronte ad un altro gatto, in un circolo felino in cui si discute del benessere dei passerotti, fa presente che Magath è "davvero prudente come si dice". Quindi Vili pensa che Magath abbia capito eccome chi sia il Warhammer Titan. E abbia capito che non è lui.

A questo punto, tornando anche al capitolo 100, io ho due idee a riguardo.

1) Il Warhammer Titan è davvero Vili che, come abbiamo visto, si è offerto come esca per far uscire i "topi" che si annidiano a Marley. Secondo Magath era una missione troppo rischiosa ma Vili ci ha dimostrato di aver davvero a cuore l'uscita dalla confort-zone che i Teiber si sono creati in anni di silenzio e di benefit non proprio guadagnati. Vili ha promesso un grande spettacolo e come finirlo nel migliore dei modi se non con un immenso dramma? Da quel che vediamo a fine capitolo, questa è la conclusione che Vili desiderava, mostrare a tutti che Eren Jaeger, portatore del Founding Titan, è la minaccia alla pace del Re Fritz arrivando addirittura a sacrificare la propria vita per mostrarcelo. Se però lui fosse il Warhammer Titan, nonostante le atroci ferite sofferte sotto la mano di Eren, POTREBBE essere sopravvissuto. Sinceramente? Ritengo questa ipotesi la più debole.

2) Il Warhammer titan non è Vili. Vili ha mentito per fare di sé stesso l'esca perfetta, Vili si è sacrificato per attirare Eren in trappola mostrando a tutto il mondo quanto i diavoli di Eldia siano pericolosi ed infidi. A questo punto secondo me, il Warhammer Titan è la donna bruna che l'ha accompagnato al Festival e che, nel riquadro in cui ci viene mostrata la famiglia, sembra l'unica perfettamente consapevole di essere appena stata presentata a Magath. Fateci caso: i bambini urlano e corrono in giro, gli anziani non fanno caso ad altri che a sé stessi, la giovane donna sulla destra sta sedando i due bambini che litigano e la domestica sullo sfondo tiene lo sguardo basso in quanto non parte della famiglia. Poi c'è lei che educatamente (in un modo squisitamente orientale), china il capo alla presentazione. Non so, a me sembra proprio dire "Salve, sono il Warhammer Titan, vuole del tè Capitano?" L'altra ipotesi è che il Warhammer Titan sia la guardia di Teiber, ossia quell'OMONE sproporzionatamente grande che gli sta sempre accanto. L'ultimo struggente sguardo di Vili è proprio per questa misteriosa donna bruna (chi sarà per lui? La moglie? E i bambini i loro figli?) ma accanto a lei c'è il soldato gigantesco. Che quell'ultimo, consapevole sguardo di morte voglia dire "Adesso tocca a te?" Ma a chi dei due?

Parliamo un attimo de "La strana morte di Vili Teiber", a questo punto. Sappiamo che Eren, Reiner e Falco riescono a sentire tutto nel palazzo retrostante il palco, parola per parola. E vediamo chiaramente che Eren, alla dichiarazione di guerra di Vili, si trasforma in una delle più belle tavole disegnate da Yams a mio parere: il dinamismo del gigante, le fauci spalancate, il riquadro in cui emerge dal palazzo direttamente sopra il palco fa quasi percepire il ruggito che deve aver sentito la folla lì davanti! In un unico movimento e senza abbassare gli occhi, Eren cala una manata sul palco, lo sfascia e uccide Teiber sul colpo, apparentemente. Possiamo pensare che il gesto sia stato istintivo, certo, ma Eren non vedeva dove si trovasse Teiber dal punto in cui si trovava ed il suo gesto (distruzione del palco e uccisione di Teiber) è semplicemente perfetto. Forse troppo perfetto per non essere stato concordato prima. Teiber aveva fatto svuotare il palco per rimanere da solo al centro della scena ed il suo corpo martoriato ci mostra come non debba essere stato solo schiacciato ma letteralmente "strizzato" da Eren che, alla fine, lo lancia in aria nelle ultime tavole del capitolo. Schiena spezzata, gambe maciullate, sembra proprio diviso in due. Cosa farà Eren adesso? Il prossimo numero potrebbe anche aprirsi con il nostro Hobo Daddy Jaeger che ingoia per intero i resti di Vili, prendendosi pure il potere ma... sinceramente ne dubito. Il fatto che tutta questa scena sembri concordata, però, si rafforza a mio parere dallo sguardo di Eren proprio un attimo prima della trasformazione. Vili con le lacrime agli occhi dichiara guerra ad Eldia e prega i suoi bravi amici di unirsi a lui per difendere la pace di Re Fritz. Eren ascolta. Eren chiude gli occhi. Eren sembra dire "Ora tocca a me. Purtroppo." Ed è forse questo che lo fa sentire così simile a Reiner: non può fermarsi. Deve spazzarli via. Deve, perchè altrimenti non ci sarà mai pace e gli Eldian verranno perseguitati per sempre, sterminati e cacciati. Deve e deve essere lui, devono essere gli Shifter perchè solo loro hanno il potere per fermare tutto questo.

Il riquadro in cui stringe la mano a Reiner e inizia a trasformarsi è magnifico.

Yams a volte (soprattutto nelle scene non dinamiche), pecca in proporzioni e tende a dare ai personaggi una rigida staticità ma compensa ogni suo difetto con un'espressività impressionante dei suoi personaggi. La cura che ha dedicato alla sofferenza di Reiner che finalmente può esplodere in tutto il suo dolore, Reiner che vuole morire, vuole, anzi, scomparire, potrebbe non avere il parlato e la capiremmo lo stesso, la sentiremmo. Reiner che strappa la mano da quella di Eren perchè capisce cosa sta per succedere e ricordandoci ancora una volta di quanto questo mediocre, sfortunato ragazzo sia in realtà il perfetto portatore del Corazzato visto che il suo primo istinto è quello di proteggere gli altri. In questo caso proprio il piccolo Falco che, trovandosi nel mezzo di questa trasformazione ha davvero poche chance di sopravvivere (sigh!). Spesso i disegnatori di manga rappresentano i loro personaggi i pose eroiche, eleganti, sempre impeccabili. Yams invece te li mostra colti nell'attimo esatto in cui vengono folgorati dalla vita. Il corpo maciullato di Vili, Reiner che si volta verso Falco e non ha niente di eroico o elegante nella sua postura raccolta, con la mano sollevata vicino alla spalla. Eppure è perfetto. E' potentissimo.

Una stranezza che ho riscontrato a questo punto verte proprio sulla trasformazione di Eren. Quando Reiner strappa la mano da quella di Eren sembra quasi aver ricevuto una "scossa": la sua espressione, la mano ritratta in quel modo ricorda il momento in cui ricevette la "scarica" dell'attivazione della Coordinata, quando Eren toccò la mano di Dina per qualche secondo. Questa è un dubbio mio piuttosto debole, forse semplicemente Yams ha voluto rendere la vignetta particolarmente drammatica (e c'è riuscito!) ma quando il gigante di Eren emerge, i suoi occhi sembrano bianchi e vuoti, ben distanti dagli espressivi occhi verdi del gigante che ricordiamo. Avendo guardato prima l'anime, ricordo la prima apparizione del gigante di Eren e ricordo di aver detto subito "Questo è Eren, ha gli stessi occhi!". Quindi perchè questi occhi vuoti? E se qualcosa o qualcuno o Eren stesso avesse attivato la coordinata? E come?

A questo punto i segreti sono tanti, quindi è necessario aprire il paragrafo...

Zekrets!

Il Festival dei Teiber inizia e Falco e Reiner devono allontanarsi. Tutti guardano Zeke, Warchief dei Warrior che senza scomporsi (ricordiamo che sono diversi numeri in cui Zeke se ne sta composto come una statua di marmo e, come fa notare Sensei, non gli si vedono più gli occhi dietro quelle lenti spesse) dice che hanno tempo per andarsene a zonzo dove gli pare. Poi, a spettacolo iniziato, un soldato si porta via Porco, Pieck e Zeke stesso lasciando lì solo Colt a fare il babysitter dei piccolini. E Zeke non batte ciglio, viene "spedito all'entrata principale". E lui ci va, senza obiettare, senza dire altro. Sappiamo che Pieck è molto intelligente, tanto da far pensare che qualcosa le sia puzzato immediatamente (tipo barba e capelli di due colori diversi del Rope-Kun...) tanto da spingerla, secondo me, a dire qualcosa al gruppo di soldati che in battaglia sta alle mitragliatrici sopra di lei. E conoscendo le statistiche un po' da videogioco della wiki ufficiale di AoT sappiamo che Zeke totalizza un punteggio di 11/10 su "furbizia". Ricordate quando Magath sulla terrazza a Fort Slava gli disse "Sono anni che ti tengo d'occhio e ancora non ho capito cosa ti passi per la testa". Beh, Capitano, credo che a breve lo scopriremo tutti.

L'evidenza che Zeke sia schierato con Eren è sempre più forte: se voi foste il team di Eren quale gigante vorreste più di ogni altro mettere sotto chiave perchè non si trasformi iniziando a lanciare villette a schiera sul vostro amico appena trasformato? Insomma, Porco e Pieck sanno essere pericolosi ma Zeke è davvero un mostro assassino. I casi quindi sono due, forse "all'entrata principale" lo sta aspettando Levi con una garrota. Oppure Zeke sta dalla parte dei nostri Walldians ed è stato allontanato dalla scena per diverse ragioni:

1) Evitare di essere costretto a trasformarsi per fronteggiare Eren 2) Andare a cercare il vero Warhammer Titan e probabilmente metterlo fuori gioco 3) Affrontare l'esercito di Magath. Sappiamo che Zeke è molto bravo ad affrontare moltitudini di omini indifesi...

Porco e Pieck sono nel frattempo finiti in una sorta di pozzo dove qualcuno ha lasciato per loro un letto di paglia per evitare di fracassarsi troppo dopo la caduta, da bere (è una bottiglia di Coca Cola quella?), da mangiare e... un vasino da bambini per i bisogni (a forma di paperella). Questa cosa mi ha fatto molto ridere nella sua inutilità perchè se Pieck è abbastanza Hippie da essere pure entusiasta nell'utilizzarlo, Porco sta già sudando come un cotechino (uhuhu).

A questo punto sono molto curiosa di vedere come e se si collocherà la figura degli Azumabito (dov'è andata la misteriosa Kyomi? E' davvero uscita di scena?) e soprattutto aspetto trepidante di capire Eren, di capire come il "gigante che si batte per la libertà" riuscirà a conciliare la strage di civili che ha appena iniziato.

Come sempre avrò dimenticato mille cose, come sempre ho scritto troppo, come sempre in diversi passaggi vi domanderete "che cacchio voleva dire?". Abbiate pazienza, questo capitolo mi ha molto emozionata!

Vili, eri troppo puro per questo mondo.

                 “Their Dungeon Diaries would go on...forever...”

VICTORIA: In the long long future to come… Probably after Star Wars twenty four.

Three weeks was all it took to change our dungeon life..

Week One: -Spoilers: I was dying. Real dying. Not the dying you do if you’re caught in flagrante with your undies around your red soled Louboutins. Real gone forever earn your wings ( not you, Lassiter ) dying and I was petrified about it. I’d been in a daze for days.  I walked silently through our suite of rooms, dumping what I needed to in the living room, before stopping in the bedroom door. There he was. How was it with age he just grew more handsome. All his hard tanned lines and edges, and the hint of pepper in the little bit of hair he allowed to grow. His mouth I could and often did wallow in for hours.  I’d married my best friend and I’d never stopped thanking god for it. We'd had multiple decades together and still that flash of heat low in my abdomen sparking the love happened every time I saw my Zsadist. To be this extraordinarily in love with this man was my single greatest pleasure. We had memories on top of memories, children we adored, just as the scribe virgin had predicted, they came along, two sets of twins... they had their own families now. 

And walking in the brotherhood footsteps the next generation had their own mansion we called the big house in the same grounds as the compound. After the mansion raid….  ughhh, not a memory I'd ever want to voluntarily relive again, worst weeks of our lives, it still left my blood cold thinking about it,  well after that, the children started coming along for all of us, The kids were as close as the brotherhood were and wanted their own space. When they complained Z and I were giving them life long mental issues having to witness our PDA (a smooch every Tuesday!) it was decided, and with the help of cousins and the new trainees who would later become part of the brotherhood they built the beautiful twenty bedroom house. Of all people to birth prudes, who knew it would be me..

I smiled wistfully. Such a good life. I soaked in the sight of Z as if I could imprint his every feature to memory. God, I loved him so much. Things weighed heavy at the edges of my mind knowing I needed to tell him the news finally. It was beyond time. We never had secrets between us. There was no out-clause with this, no marriage dealing, or playing ostrich waiting for it to disappear. I was dying. And really, that had never been my way. I could talk through a problem for hours to clear the air. Much to Zsadist’s dismay who preferred to fuck any marriage issue. ( I liked that way, too )  I’d tell him now… I even took a stuttered draw of air bracing for it…, tasting the unsaid frightening words in my mouth.. but when he looked up from the book he was reading, his yellow eyes began to smile in that lustful way of his when he saw me, beckoning me forward, I could only think of this.. of being with my hellren, taking one last slice of normal before it all changed.

My heart was hurting and yet joyous all at the same time just for being here in this moment. He pulled me in the moment I folded down onto his lap, tucking my ankle skirt around me. It was an absolute sigh of contentment, he brought something so unique to me, that thread between him and I that made us an US from day one. My D-day was no exception. When I nuzzled kisses over his face, Z let me. He knew the hello drill by now. It was a smart hellren who let his shellan do as she pleased and since I'd trained him since day one of marriage I knew how smart my warrior was. When his arms snaked around my waist, bringing me in closer, I had to fight back a sob. The day I would leave him alone was an impossibility to even picture in my mind, we were so much a part of the other.  I couldn't think of the day I wouldn't hear his heavy thundered footsteps pounding down the hall of statues, or catch the sweet smile curling one side of his mouth when he thought I wasn't looking. Nope, couldn't focus there or my heart would splinter in half. His smile meant more to me than anything and I was about to take it from him.

How could I be happy and incredibly sad at the same time? maybe I was the crazy female my man accused me of many times. Crazy in love, I would always rebuttal with.

Time is the single most precious commodity and now mine was fast running out, my hour glass in the background was losing its sand rapidly. I had to squeeze another lifetime into these last days, weeks..  It didn't matter how much of Z's blood I'd taken over the years, it had done what the Scribe Virgin promised, it prolonged my years to give us our children, to see them raised and happy with their own babies. It slowed my aging to the point I still looked to be in my 30's.. thank you, L'Oreal.. because I'm worth it.. It gave me more years with Zsadist, I couldn't hate that my human body was finally giving up, it had chugged along for longer than I deserved.  No regrets at all. Z’s blood only lengthened what was the natural order of things.  

Smiling against his mouth, caressing barely-there fingertips down against his inked skin I signed into his body.. All those times we argued and didn’t speak for days.. god, I wanted those back. I was more scared than the time Zsadist had amnesia and forgot all about me. Or when a lesser shot me and I bled all over the brand new mosaics tiles in the foyer. And even the mansion raid when I didn't know one way or the other if Zsadist was dead, just sat in the closet he'd locked me into while listening to gun shots...

So scared..But I would tell him soon- You look relaxed, nallum. Too relaxed, I’m suspicious you’ve been up to something. I know your tricks.  -I felt his heart jump even as mine did while he whispered sweet warrior words. A leap of heat, of recognition, of our unbreakable unity. Weeks of secret tests done down in the large brotherhood medical facility, a regular hospital would freak just seeing my birth certificate.. blood tests, scans and more tests. The only outward sign of any deterioration within my body was fatigue and loss of breath if exerted, I should be grateful that my organs were giving up quietly without making a fuss. Just like a Brit. Corpse-walking humor... I switched off my brain, concentrated fully on the man in front of me with his scarred mouth smiling pressed to mine, he was my entire world….ugh.. I was greedy, I wanted more time. And the secrets were strangling me.

Week Two: It was done. Zsadist knew and it was about as bad as I thought it would go. There's no easy way to tell someone you adore that they're going to have to go on living without you. It had caught us both by surprise. No way to be ready for it.

We'd had one beautiful hour of making love before I'd told him. Thanks for the sex, and oh, btw...ugh.. I felt wretched.  I'd broken my man. We hit the five stages of grief in about 10.4 minutes. At one point the rage from him had brought three of his brothers running.  Another ten minutes and everyone had known. He’d broken my favorite leather chair and a lamp. He’d wanted me to tell him I was lying, that the doctor was lying, a sick joke. If only I could. I’d cried, told him I was sorry I was dying, sorry I was leaving him alone.  Zsadist had learned well over the years to deal with the emotions he felt, it was rare he walked away from an argument now, and if he did it was because I knew he needed the time, but he dealt, but this.. this was something new even he didn’t know how to process. I had to stand back and watch as his temper exploded, his brothers couldn’t rein him in, so they just stood back until he’d growled at them to get the fuck out, his face blank, torn, devastated. It was then he’d come to me, went down on his knees, and just pressed his forehead to my lap- It’s going to be okay, baby -I lied. Because really, it wasn’t going to be.

I wished. I wished. I wished. He held me for a long time. I knew he wasn’t accepting it, not when he fired off all the things we could do. I had to just let him talk, there was no fixing it, I was dying. We couldn’t expect the scribe virgin to intervene yet again. I was still human- “Nalla.. I’ll do anything. I’ll make this better” -he told me and I loved him even more. His eyes had turned coal black and still I thought him the most handsome man I’d ever seen- We’ll enjoy these moments together, love. That’s all we can do.

“Mom… dad…? What’s all the noise about? Vishous said.. he said to ask you guys, they wouldn’t tell us, what’s wrong, did Dad find your credit card bill again?” -Both Z and I turned to see our kids huddled in the doorway. In front was Thalia and Nehysa, both beautiful girls with big soft hearts. It was going to hit them hardest. Stood shoulder to shoulder behind them was my first borns. Almost 14 years older, Frhenzy and Zhero. Both of our boys looking warily from us to each other, their faces a mirror image, they knew it wasn’t something as trivial as money or one of our silly loud spats. I felt a sob in my throat. Telling my babies.. I couldn’t. I felt Z rise, he leaned down and kissed my lips- “I’ll tell them, nalla” -I’d broken him and still he was being my rock. So many wonderful years, and yet not nearly enough.

As predicted the news didn't go well. I spent the majority of time with them all over the next week, when it became too much for me to walk over to the big house to visit the grandchildren, they brought them to me, we coloured and watched tv laid out on the bed together. Nehysa one side, Thalia the other and a mound of children in between. Frhenzy had taken it upon himself to stick close to Z, they had a special bond, they clashed a lot, and argued even more, so similar in personality, but it was never more evident right now how my boys worshiped and worried for their dad. I smiled watching them. They would all still have each other.  We might not have known what we were doing in the beginning, those diaper incidents when they kept falling off, or the time we lost the boys somewhere in the mansion, but darn, looking at them now all grown, protective and steadfast, we’d raised them right.

I felt Zsadist slide into bed that night. He’d stopped teaching, stopped going out patrolling, we had every minute together. It was both painful and bliss.   I was scrolling through my memory bank a lot lately. I remembered the first time Zsadist held my hand. It was probably the 10-20-26th time after we'd had sex. It had been such a big deal for him, true naked intimacy without hips knocking. He touched me a lot after that, as though he’d allowed himself to feel something other than a sexual high. When his hand tangled into my hair, pulling me into his body, I curled and found my spot- Remember when I was pregnant with the boys, and you couldn’t bring me peanut butter stuffed jalapenos fast enough? -I grinned, my tongue had been numb for a full six months- I had a craving for them today. Think you knocked me up again, hellren? -Up until a few days ago we were still making love… but if my heart was giving up the fight, I was pretty sure my ovaries had stopped their dance long time ago.. I’d said it to make him smile. I needed his smile, but it was as if it had lost its way home on his face. I reached up and smoothed a fingertip against his mouth encouragingly, he kissed and nipped the tip- I can feel you being sad, stop being sad, my love. It’s going to be okay.

How many coincidences had to happen for us to get together? it would be an impossibility on paper. The power of a coincidence, that a human English girl would be in the right place the right time, to fall in love with a scowling antisocial vampire who hated every single person, the power of that one coincidence is infinite. But here we were, obsessed with each other more than ever- Every moment in my life lead me to meeting you, all our fights, all the extraordinary times we've shared, I want you to know I wouldn't change a single moment. You've made me happier than I thought possible. Waking up with you each day was the best of my life, nallum. And I know you don’t want to hear it, you don’t want me to say it. Please, just listen -His breathing slowed against my chest as though braced for my next words- I want you to be happy, Z. I want you to.. after some considerable time go on to find love again. Don’t growl at me, you don’t get to growl at me, who is the one dying here, that gives me all kinds of hall passes to say what I want, it’s the first death law, ask anyone -When he wrenched his massive body away and rolled out of bed cursing the very air with what I knew to be swear words in his old language I sighed and waited it out..well that had gone down like a lead balloon- I mean it, Z. please, for me.. you have to promise me this.. I can’t.. I can’t be okay with this if you don’t promise me. I didn’t say the moment my coffin is closed.. jeez.. quit growling at me!

-his eyes had been black all week, if it was possible they turned colder. He pulled me up into his arms before I could even see him moving, holding me tight in the only place I’d called home for a very long time. His hand streaked over my hair, down my back.. soothing me and him when he issued his final growled answer- “fucking no, nalla” -Our bond was so strong, he was right and I’d known it, there would never be anyone else for either of us, but to leave him miserable, there was no fixing that.. it would break me long before death did. I loved him beyond life, every breath I took, every thought I had, it was Zsadist, all tangled up in the love we’d forged and fought and nurtured together.  If he could have even a fraction of that with someone else I could rest easy, to know he had someone to hug him at the end of the day, to share a fruit platter and tease him when he wanted to watch shows he didn’t want his brothers to know he liked. I felt bile rise into my throat, panicked picturing him in someone else’s arms.. I hated her already. He’d loved me deeply with every powerful beat of his vampire heart. Our life together had been Vivid and dangerous and extraordinary… more than I could have ever dreamed up from the pages of a book..we were just it for each other.

my biggest fear was not dying, surprising.. it was leaving him behind knowing he would follow me.. soulmates weren’t meant to be parted…

The next day it was one of those rare sunny spring days. The snow had long melted and I was sat on the steps outside. The walk from my room felt like one of those marathons I used to run- “Even now you two make the biggest ruckus, pretty girl” -Lassiter parked a seat behind me. He’d never changed in all these years. He made me laugh like no other. I leaned into the arm he slid around me- “you know he has to work this his own way, stubborn as he is” You’ll make sure he’s okay, Lass? -I knew the answer already, in one form or another the fallen angel Lassiter looked out for the people inside the mansion. We were his family. Smiling when he kissed the top of my head- I love you, Lassiter, even at your craziest when you fan-mailed Oprah and told her you were ready to be her BFF -he chuckled and pulled at one of his brow piercings- “thought she could do with a bona-fide angel, pretty girl.. and she did. Everyone needs a little Lassiter in their life, ohyeahhhh” -we sat there a long time in the new sun..sharing stories, sometimes silent. I realized I was saying my first goodbye.

If only there was a spoiler to this, I thought, like one of my epic romance books had. But no. I took my last breath and died a week later with the love of my life holding me, singing to me. It was peaceful. I knew I was loved. My body laid out in the mansion chapel, a funeral planned. So, yup.. I was the real kind of dead.  Dying was a lot like being born. It happened fast and suddenly everything was different...vivid. I didn’t go where I thought I would. A devout catholic and there was no pearly gates welcoming me.. instead...something much more extraordinary happened..

Week Three: “I have waited so long to hug you. To thank you from the bottom of my heart for our boys. We looked in on you all from time to time, oh, not as often as I would have liked“ -the female’s face lightened with love and beautiful sunshine looking at the man at her side- “Aghony forbid it, said I would have spent all night at the seeing bowls.. he was right, and that I had to let our boys to their lives in peace without their mahmen hovering spiritually.

You saved my Zsadist, and in a lot of ways my Phury, too. We knew, you see.. that both were headed here long before their time” -she smiled sadly, a sheen of tears brimming her eyes as if the long ago memories were still able to hurt deep in her heart.- “We worried constantly, terribly unavailing to do anything for them, and then you brought Zsadist into the light. Phury was  burdened with guilt, we ached to help him but how, he always felt responsible, we couldn’t reach either of them, so lost, living, not yet awakened. It was Ahgony's idea, was it not, hellren mine?”

-the tall male, so much like Zsadist and his twin it was like looking at them one hundred years from now, same bone structure, the same brilliant yellow eyes, his hair sprinkled liberally with salt and pepper strands. He smiled, and stepped closer to curl his arm around his wife's waist.. my mother in law..

ohshhhit, this was bizarre. ( and here I thought dying was going to be my big finale of the day ) Meeting my in laws in…. Wherever I was..

It felt right. It felt nice. No more peculiar than being married to a vampire, with my own vampire children and not to mention an angel for a best friend. I had learned long ago to just roll with the unknown, it lessened the shock value. -

“Help someone come into their lives, Ahgony said. Someone who will heal Zsadist’s soul, and in turn lessen the guilt on Phury. And that's what we did. We chose you, you were so kind and understanding of everyone, such a willing spirit, we didn't think you'd mind so much if you discovered our race existed, and you didn’t, you blossomed within” -her laugh sounded like bells chiming. I liked her instantly- “It was just that one minor thing.. I swear to the heavenly mother we didn't interfere after that. Oh, that first time you and Zsadist saw each other. We knew didn't we, darling? We just knew, there was so much longing, as if we'd reunited two lost souls.. and from that moment it was bearable again. The fabric of our cracked family began to slowly heal. My beloved Victoria, daughter of mine heart. I waited so long to thank you. I don't think you will truly understand what you did for our sons. So much darkness around them it was impossible to reason a future for either. Phury was freed to pursue his own life with his shellan and young. Zsadist was angry all the time, so cold and closed off even from his warrior brothers, he relished pain too much, gloried in hating himself. You changed that, and he looked upon you so reverently it was a physical being between you, so much love. He lived for you, he thrived for you.. he made himself better for you, my dear daughter."

"Sweetheart, you're overwhelming the girl. Let her breath, we have plenty of time to speak" -they both sounded amused.

While me? well... wow.

Just fucking wow. I wasn't known for being speechless, but I'd died today so I was not on my A-game. Now I was floored. Had I heard Z's mom right, they'd made it happen for me to actually come to America.. to meet Z in Caldwell.. to be in his life? to be HIS life.

Wow. I'd thought that already, but it deserved a repeat outing. When there is dark, there is also light. And I was about to be given the biggest light of all. Beside my in-laws appeared three beings… I couldn’t be scared, I’d died today, that was all the scared I could deal with. Ohhh… eyes rounded. Lassiter beaming a smile at me....stood next to the scribe virgin… and… ohmyGOD. Yes. I knew it was… ohGOD… Only the scribe virgin spoke and afterward I understood clearly. My soul was so intricately tied to Zsadist he was having a fast meltdown back on earth, he was going to die, too… a chain of events couldn’t happen right now, we were all dominoes and as much as he’d been my champion years ago, I was forever his savior. I was still in a haze of OMFG those are my in laws and that man there was…  ohmyGOD, that I didn’t take in the full details, all that would come later, but the gist was.. our two halves were never meant to be parted, Zsadist would play a big part in the race in years to come, and suddenly his line was ending- “Hold on, pretty girl” -laughed Lassiter and before I could even utter a word I was back in my body, taking a first long cleansing breath of air.

It felt surreal, as if a dream.. yet I knew it wasn’t. The big clue I was laid in the chapel in my best white dress. I really did look pretty dead. Jesus...focus, Victoria.. you’re back from the dead, deal with it later.

Back. From. The. Dead.

I took a dizzying step..tested out my vocals.. thank god I didn’t zombie groan.. and feeling 100 years younger I began to run. Zsadist was about to do something irreversible if I didn’t stop him. Crossroads, the scribe virgin had said..

On my mad dash through the mansion, along corridors, barging through doors, I met doggen, family, friends.. surprise, I was back from the dead.. couldn’t stop to chat now. Zsadist needed me. My heart was beating hard.. it really did pay to know vampires and gods and angels all pulling for me.. I heard it then, gasps as I rounded the corner to come face to face with Rhage and Tohr.. I grinned and carried on, down the hall of statues.. -

“Jesus fuck, Victoria! Wahlker...she’s a….fucccccckkkk…. “

“Holyfuck...Wahlker...Victoria…”

-I know I know, we’d all gasp over it later, but- ZSADIST! -I burst into our rooms like I’d been fired from a cannon. He was dressed in his mourning attire, so handsome.. knelt on a bed of jewels as was the vampire way.. and at his side was his custom made dagger. Eyes red, his face pale and drawn, he’d been in the middle of a prayer when I’d exploded into the room.

The reunion with my man went on for a long time. Having your wife-shellan suddenly return from the dead was not something either of us had planned for, but we took it for what it was. A generous gift that we would never take for granted. We belonged to each other in every single way that was and would be. Some bonds went deeper than soul. Sometimes you were the very anchor for another person living. And my person was a fuck important vampire.  As he held me tightly, his hand running up and down my back as if to check he was not hallucinating, I just held on even tighter and laughed freely.. so light and full of love. It brought a crowd to our door, hugs were given, laughs shared, stories exchanged, that word ‘wahlker’ said more than once from the vampire portion of the family. I ended up back in Z’s arms, his face buried to my hair- “Nalla.. my nalla..” -I think it was going to take us a very long time to adjust to this new life tied to each others- My Zsadist.. -I replied, kissing his chin- and what I said about you getting a new girl.. I am totally nixing that -and just like that, his eyes switched from deep black to the most happy yellow. From Caldwell to heaven and back again… Three weeks was all it took to change our dungeon lives forever. We had eternity together. I could just picture our fights now. They’d be ZDehv...legen…….wait for it.. -