#chapter 119

I'm a little shocked that people didn't expect Twilight's reaction to Yor reaching out to him. I am as much of a TwiYor fan as most people are, but honestly, it's a stretch to say they're anywhere near ready to try to 'make this real'.

One of the draws to me for this series was the tension between them being drawn out. I knew upon coming into this series that their relationship would be frustrating and agonizingly slow. It is and it will continue to be, by the design of the characters and narrative.

I came into the story not only anticipating that dynamic for them, but exceptionally pleased with how Endo has been portraying their inabilities to either connect with others or themselves due to their conditioning. I don't fault anyone for not giving with the pacing but in my opinion there is no other way for this to go.

Twilight has dedicated his entire being to having no desires, interests, dreams. His sense of self was burned right along with all his worldly belongings and his name. As far as he's concerned, he is a machine for The Machine.

It's been made quite clear that he is struggling with cognitive dissonance worming it's way into his mind. His body reacts to Yor without his expectation or understanding(infamous collapse to the floor), when he thinks he often has Freudian Slips around his verbiage(*I will protect Yor* instead of *We will need to be careful, to not compromise the mission*), and he outright goes against all training he has ever received regarding active combat(*kill all SSS in hot pursuit* yet he leaves Yuri alive so Yor doesn't grieve).

I don't think he's unaware of these things. He's *painfully* aware that he's already getting too close, too emotionally dependent on Yor, even if it's truly just crumbs of support. He notices it happening when it happens, and his only choice he's ever had is to bury it and move along.

*The man trusts no one by the nature of his very survival.*

He doesn't seem to understand that Yor is truly romantically interested in him, but why would he care to? It's completely irrelevant to his goals and purpose. Plenty of people have already said that he likely doesn't even entertain any thoughts of her desiring him because the last time he tried to push her boundaries, she *rocked his shit*. I have a feeling that he could tell Yor wanted to have a heartfelt conversation, but, that's simply not a risk he can take after realizing how dangerous his current attachment to her is.

His misunderstanding in their conversation was repetitive and looping. He's beyond skilled at maneuvering discussions how he sees fit, that's his whole career. I doubt he missed every signal that she cares about their arrangement and family, I think he chose to double down and ignore them.

The man isn't stupid, he's likely quite uncomfortable, even fearful of the effects her companionship has already had on him. She had asked what the plan after Anya's graduation would be and instead of asking what she meant, he avoided the question almost entirely. He can't bring himself to think that far ahead since he's certain that 'Loid Forger' would be long dead before that question required an actual answer.

Progress is not linear. People do not develop cleanly. We've watched him accidentally let his girls under his skin for the last 6 months and it's gotten bad enough that he's receding back into his shell now that he knows how dangerously close he is to *getting himself killed*. Before he can have any kind of epiphany of his feelings or interests for the future, his entire coping strategy of depersonalization has to be challenged so heavily that he has no choice but to admit he's compromised.

As people heal, they tend to swing on a pendulum of improvement and regression. He's going to desperately cling to what has kept him safe for his entire life until this point until it doesn't work anymore.

And a further point, we have no clue what was the longest time he's been in a honey trap relationship before the canon begins but it's at least well implied that he was with Karen for enough time for her to be asking about marriage and commitment. I'd go as far to say even someone as vapid as Karen(given what little thoughts Twilight seemed to have of her) wouldn't be thinking seriously about rings before 3-4 months. So let's say they were together for 6 months.

Twilight can and has kept full detachment from his Honey Marks many, many, many times before. Let's say 6 months was the longest. If Twilight left now, I'm certain it would sting him and he would use it to continue his long pattern of self-hatred, but he'd likely be able to compartmentalize it by this point.

It's only now that he's starting to slip in too deep to waters he's never tread before.