#chaoticthoughts

I put my focus on youtube and tiktok for the last few months and now I try to expand and share my content with more people on different platforms. I'm excited but at the same time it feels a bit discouraging to start from 0 again 😭 I know I shouldn't focus on numbers and enjoy being creative and sharing my stuff, but in the end you share your stuff because you want people to see it. So there is a small line between having fun and feeling some kind of pressure to post more to get recognized by others and spend more time on socials, which take away time to be more creative... at least that's how it is for me personally.

And with the pressure of being recognized I want to share another thought: sometimes I feel the need to jump on trends to (probably) get more views. It can be hard to find your own style when you scroll through tumblr (or other platforms) and you always see some similar styles if you know what I mean. And this is NO hate! I love these posts and I enjoy them but I sometimes feel like there are some styles that people love and click more. And it can be hard to stick to your own style or in my case finding my own style, and not trying to fit in a certain style that's in trend right now. I'm inspired by these posts too, so I'm not better.

I honestly did not know where did I go wrong.

I’ve been a good girl (sort of) my entire life. Never gotten too drunk (just tipsy), never gone to parties, never tried to sneak out and kiss boys, never went beyond the line. I have control on myself and been working my ass off to maintain the grades that I have today. I have been a consistent honor student since kinder and for fuck’s sake, I did not pass on every college scholarships that I applied. UP, SM, CNU, CTU.... and many more to come hahahaha. It feels like I do not have anything special to be considered as a brilliant person. I want to scream, shout, reapply, email these scholarship programs upon why did not accept me but.. I do not have the guts. I accept the reality that I’m just one of the unfortunate people who can never.. excel. 

It hurts, it hurts too much that I became numb. That I cannot cry anymore. That I just say “oh, another rejection, okay” and just.. sleep.

It’s already mid May too, the last time I registered something in my head, it was April. I’ve read somewhere that as a child, days are longer. You’re constantly busy and every day is exciting and a big event. But as an adult or as you grow, your “days”becomes months instead. Time flies as an adult and as you grow.

I want to be mindful of everyday though, to take a breathe and take in the day instead of just going through the motions.

Do you guys feel the same way I do? It’s not wrong to just go through the motions though! I just want to enjoy the life I have a little more and feel grateful for what I have~