the side effects of trying.

everyone says,

"keep trying."

and i do.

again.

and again.

and again.

but no one really talks about what happens after you've already given everything you had... and it still wasn't enough.

there comes a point where you work as hard as you possibly can, and the success you thought you earned doesn't come.

not halfway.

not even one percent.

that's when you slowly start questioning yourself.

not your effort.

yourself.

the hardest part isn't failing.

it's watching people around you move ahead.

people who never seemed as serious.

people who barely cared.

and then hearing,

"don't compare yourself with others."

but when results come, why is my hard work the first thing people compare?

why is my effort always the one being questioned?

people become philosophers the moment they see you breaking.

"it's okay."

"start again."

"trust the process."

"everything happens for a reason."

maybe they're right.

maybe.

but sometimes you get so tired that even listening feels exhausting.

because all you can see is the same loop.

start again.

work harder.

hope.

lose.

repeat.

no one talks about the side effects of living in that loop.

you stop trusting yourself.

then you stop trusting people.

you start seeing everyone's real faces.

happiness doesn't stay for long anymore.

even on the days something good happens, there's always a voice in the back of your mind saying,

"don't get too attached."

"it won't last."

i'm not saying i'm the only one struggling.

everyone has battles.

i know that.

but some people still have the strength to believe in themselves after every setback.

they know how to start over.

i wish i still knew how.

even my family jokes about my failures now.

and somewhere along the way...

i started laughing too.

not because it's funny.

because pretending it doesn't hurt is easier than explaining why it does.

sometimes i wonder if i'm on the wrong path.

then another thought shows up.

if this is the wrong path... what does the right one even look like?

i don't have an answer anymore.

all i know is that i've changed.

i've become quieter.

more distant.

i get angry over small things.

i push away the people i love.

and the worst part?

failure doesn't hurt the way it used to.

not because i've become stronger.

but because i've gotten used to carrying it.

and i don't know which one scares me more.

the side effects of trying.

everyone says,

"keep trying."

and i do.

again.

and again.

and again.

but no one really talks about what happens after you've already given everything you had... and it still wasn't enough.

there comes a point where you work as hard as you possibly can, and the success you thought you earned doesn't come.

not halfway.

not even one percent.

that's when you slowly start questioning yourself.

not your effort.

yourself.

the hardest part isn't failing.

it's watching people around you move ahead.

people who never seemed as serious.

people who barely cared.

and then hearing,

"don't compare yourself with others."

but when results come, why is my hard work the first thing people compare?

why is my effort always the one being questioned?

people become philosophers the moment they see you breaking.

"it's okay."

"start again."

"trust the process."

"everything happens for a reason."

maybe they're right.

maybe.

but sometimes you get so tired that even listening feels exhausting.

because all you can see is the same loop.

start again.

work harder.

hope.

lose.

repeat.

no one talks about the side effects of living in that loop.

you stop trusting yourself.

then you stop trusting people.

you start seeing everyone's real faces.

happiness doesn't stay for long anymore.

even on the days something good happens, there's always a voice in the back of your mind saying,

"don't get too attached."

"it won't last."

i'm not saying i'm the only one struggling.

everyone has battles.

i know that.

but some people still have the strength to believe in themselves after every setback.

they know how to start over.

i wish i still knew how.

even my family jokes about my failures now.

and somewhere along the way...

i started laughing too.

not because it's funny.

because pretending it doesn't hurt is easier than explaining why it does.

sometimes i wonder if i'm on the wrong path.

then another thought shows up.

if this is the wrong path... what does the right one even look like?

i don't have an answer anymore.

all i know is that i've changed.

i've become quieter.

more distant.

i get angry over small things.

i push away the people i love.

and the worst part?

failure doesn't hurt the way it used to.

not because i've become stronger.

but because i've gotten used to carrying it.