#chagot

The awakening hasn’t been of the best. A smothered scream goes out from my lips while swiftly I sit up. I hurry to regain the breath. I seem to have run for hours. I’m sweaty and with dilated pupils I look around. Finally I’m able to understand that I’m in my bed, a bed too big for my modest dimensions; yet it seems there has been a fight from how much the blankets are misshapen. And it’s all happened in a moment, the instant in which I’ve realized what I had seen, I woke up quickly because no, I couldn’t believe it. I don’t want believe it! Though I know that I’ve to heed blindly to my dreams. They’ve never lied or disappointed me, they’ve always put me on alert in the real life. Nevertheless I can’t believe this. No, just this, I refuse! 

I curl, I lay in the fetal position and I tighten on myself. I feel bad, but not physically, not as long as the sobs give me a sign that I’m starting not to breathe as I should. I’m running out of air, again, but I’ve to find it again immediately. Yes, because I’m getting my guardian angel worried, who entered in a rush without even knocking, thing that he always does before entering. He’s so kind to rub my back with his hot hand while the other gently takes away the tears that still score down on my sweet and pearly features.

“-een … what’s happened?”

I can barely respond after hearing part of his words.

“Nothing … just a bad nightmare …”

I know he’s worried although I don’t see his face, he knows what mean dreams and nightmares for me.

“It’s always that? Or is the other one?”

He asks me with delicacy and I don’t know what to answer.  It isn’t the only nightmare I do in the last period.  That wakes me up at night but; despite the sadness that fills my heart to think about it; we already have a solution, even if solution is a big word. Other one then… twist of fate, thanks to the tonight’s nightmare, it’s became half dream. Now it all make sense. The mere thought of being able to give a part of me for something so great slowly calm me down. My knight looks at me still concerned but, beside to tilt more the face to look me better, he doesn’t say a word. As a gentleman he’s waiting that I respond in my own time. I appreciate every little gesture that he directs to me and I try to reciprocate as best I can, always within the limits that have been imposed to me.  But telling the truth I’ll be able to do that? And if I keep it for me instead?  I sigh and try quickly to reformulate the information I have just received. I know I shouldn’t lie, I’m tired of the falsehood. But they are white lies. As they tell me.  I lift my face and I get lost in his small but bright eyes like those of a panther. Yeah… my panther… For once I’ll protect you.

“It’s that other one…” I whisper “But I’m fine now, really …”

“Excuse me if may I, but doesn’t look like you’re fine, my Queen.”

I chuckle lightly and continuous “Really, I’m fine. It’s been more traumatic than the other times but I understand…”

“Understand what?”

He looks at me without understanding, I can guess it from his features which are already hardened even though they already seem so in normal situation. My heart really goes out to him…  I smile serene stroking his hand that touch my face gently, despite his hands are really huge.

“I realized that is how it should go. For better or for worse.”

“I hope it’s more in the better than in the worse.”

He understood more him than me it the end. He understood that I don’t feel like talking about it although he always makes me suggest that with him I can vent and discuss on everything, in fact…

“If you need anything I’m here out of the door to stand guard. Do not hesitate to call me.”

“I won’t.”

I nod and for a while we remain so, but that sweet contact slowly fades. Having him so close makes me feel protected and safe, but are vicinity that we can’t afford, no more. He stand up on his feet and bowed his head to be discharged.

“My Queen, I still wish you good night.”

“Same to you Lily.”

I reply recompose myself but as soon as I hear the sound of the door closing behind him, I throw myself backward and stare the ceiling. I don’t know if I can sleep again, but right now I’m much more concern to be able to not leak this premonition. I’ve to keep it just for me.  *************************  The days pass and the nightmare becomes more and more present in my nights. And more the nights go by, more it combines and mixes with the other.  Everyone is unaware of my dreams, everybody venerate me as a goddess. Few know the truth and I hope that no one figure out how it’s my real mood.  *************************  I was finally going back in my rooms after a long day of meetings and discussions with the elders. I couldn’t wait to take off these clothes that encumber the movements and to enjoy the moment in which I can get off this mask, far away from the looks of everybody…

“My queen.”

…But my hopes were in vain. I sigh between me and myself, I recomposed trying to show off my best smile. I just wouldn’t want to meet him now…

“Tell me Lily, what could I help you with?”

I’m surprised when she asked me in what she might be useful to me. It isn’t the first time nor the last, but it always takes me fast break. It takes me a while to focus on the reason for which I’ve stopped her.

“No, my Queen, am I the one I should, rather, I would like to ask you what I may do for you. If you allow me the honor of course.”

I try to be as gentle as possible. I won’t hurt her feelings or make her understand that I’m worried. But I see a mile away that she’s tired. Perhaps for those nightmares that tear hours of precious sleep. Yet my gut tells me that there’s other underneath.

“No, thanks, Lily. I just need some rest…”

She responds quickly, shaking her head. She doesn’t looks at my face like she usually does while converses with me or with another person. I’ve a feeling that in recent times she tries to run away from me, but it isn’t in her manner. However I perceive aversion towards me and it’s more likely that she’s trying to hide herself or perhaps to hide something. I’m tired of all the lies we tell to the people to keep them calm and sometimes I’m afraid that also say to me lies, the shield of the queen. But how could I ever be able to protect her if I don’t know the whole truth? But how could I ever be angry with her and impose to tell me the whole truth? Perhaps it’s good that she doesn’t look at me, I’m sure my expression is hardened, more than usual, which speaks for itself.

“Then I wish you good rest.”

I bowed slightly the head before taking my leave and go on my way. In times like these the only thing that can calm me is go out from the palace and disappear for a while.  I returned to my modest room. It’s true that is spartan but I asked to be so. It takes me a little time to prepare my things and, after having notified someone in charge, I left the castle to an unknown destination, to work out even if it’s more to vent. I dind’t know yet that the coming days will be hard. No, not me, but someone else suspected it.  *************************  And in fact it has happened.  What I dreamed in the end is happened. I knew it has to go so. Yet right now, I don’t blame him. I knew he did it with the best intentions. It’s likely that in his place I also would have acted the same way. But it’s something beyond our laws, laws that we have imposed to protect us from who you’ve helped. I don’t hold it against you, but I can do nothing to help. Right now that you would have more need I would protect you, at least with the words, at least in something that I’m good. Yet I’m not allowed… What queen would I be if I went against our own laws just for a person who I consider special? It wouldn’t be fair. And then I stand there in silence, with bent head, while the elders inveigh on you, screaming to high treason. You don’t mention a word, not even a movement. You’re still as a statue while you’re kneeling in front of us while holding in your arms a little human being with blue hair sprouting from under a full bandage of the head. Who knows what have happened to that little one. But he was lucky to meet you. Less fortunate was you. The board decided to exile and now you’re forced to leave not only the palace, but also our land, to which you’re deeply attached. You’ve been given only the time to take your things and leave. And as, always with dignity, regards and leave the room, I follow you with my glare. But as soon as I can I also follow you with the body. I’ve never hated so much these clothes like in this moment! Them slow me down too much and I don’t want to miss the chance to tell you…. to tell you everything. I’ve arrived in front of your room when I heard noises coming from inside. I sigh. I’m not too late. It takes you a little time to go out and as soon as you see me your eyes get bigger for the surprise.  I didn’t expect her to be in front of me, right now that I was branded a traitor to our own country. Yet she’s here. You smile at me sweetly, but I sense a bit distress and perhaps of bitterness? Remorse? I can’t understand it. And fewer I can’t understand the reason of her presence.

“My queen you shouldn’t stay here. You heard. I’m a traitor now.”

It’s impossible to not be so aloof and cold. But have that label on me hurts like hell. I wanted and I did only the thing that seemed fairer. Help a child in need. How can this be considered a crime just because he’s of the enemy faction? It’s still a cub for heaven sake! What harm can he do? I take a deep breath and close my eyes to control myself. I don’t notice the reaction of who are in front of me until I hear a sob and then it’s surprised me. I’m surprised even more when I hear…

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry Lily….” she says with tears that copious streaming down from her eyes almost silvery “I… I should’ve defended you, but I couldn’t … I will never think that you’re a traitor. Never! You’ve always been faithful and as much as I find this law unworthy, I can’t help it. I… I should’ve… I would want to defend you in front of the wise… but I couldn’t… I’m sorry… I should’ve at least warned you…. ”

She wipes the tears as if she were a child. I’ve never seen her cry so much in the last period. But the thing that upsets me is another.

“Warn me? Warn me of what?”

She lifts up the face from her hands and with a gentle gesture she caress the child’s hand that I hold in my arms.

“Of him…”

It’s not possible… She…

“You knew? You knew it?" I raise slightly the tone of my voice and I see her hide the head between her shoulders "You’ve dreamed it and you didn’t tell me?" No… I didn’t want to believe it…

"Why don’t you warn me? All this wouldn’t have happened!”

“No Lily… It would have happened anyway… You know as I do that also knowing it in advance these things happen… Do you remember the last time right?”

I gulp. She’s taken me fast break again. I remember clearly the last time we tried to change the destiny with hers premonitory dreams but inexorably happened.  I had confined in a remote part of my memory what had happened at that time, hoping to forget it, but I’ve never been able to, I’ve never forgotten those moments spent together and the only thought leaves me a mixture of happiness and bitterness.

“And then…”

And then she keeps talking smiling at me, she seems like a ray of light that in the middle of the darkness warms and gives you hope. She lies on the arm that holds the baby and she looks at him like a mother that watch her own child and I realize that she’s so beautiful. That I still feel everything that I’ve hidden.

“…If I had told you, in addition to mulling over the thing all the time, maybe… you’d never helped this baby…  It’s better in this way… it would’ve been worse if an innocent couldn’t make it … ”

That’s what I appreciate about her. She thinks of others first than herself, but this in part devoids all the joys that a person like her deserves.

“My Queen, I …”

“Shh … I’m not your queen anymore." chuckles slightly "Call me by name …”

I chuckled lightly up my sleeve as well. Even in adversity she manages to make me smile. But the whole thing drains quickly.

“You had to tell me.”

I say simply, and her face cracks under the signs of sadness and regret.

“You should have told me! How many times we have discussed about it? No lies. And here comes the umpteenth!”

“I did it for a good purpose!" She justifies pulling herself away from me with other upcoming tears to come out from the corners of the eyes.

"I know it! But we said no more lies. Only the truth. Good or bad it may be." I sigh. Heavily. The feeling of bitterness fills me and for a while neither of us talks.

"How long did you know it?" I don’t dare even to ask if it’s from the night when she was about to hyperventilate from how much she was traumatized.

"From that night in which you came in without knocking from how much you were alarmed…”

And it’s like a stab in the back, the last I hope of this crazy day.

“I know I would have to tell you…”

“In fact you had. But there’s no use crying over spilt milk.”

Now it’s her turn to fell in some way wounded. I know she’s kept the secret in good faith, to don’t fret me, but we had a pact to which she has failed, and I regret it.  But I have to go. I never want to say goodbye, much less in this way, but I have to. Before someone see us together and that increase the disasters of this day, before this impassive mask collapses in front of her. She’s strong, but in recent times she’s been through a lot, we’ve seen all kinds. We still have to grin and bear it. I sigh and I turn around in the other direction. Now we have to go our own separate ways.

“Farewell Shagotte…” I say softly, almost as if to give me more time to be with her, but the steps are long and I only need one to be already far away.

“Lily…”

I don’t turn. It would be worse turn around right now.

“Lily.”

She repeats as I continue to walk.

“Lily!”

This time she raises the tone of the voice but she doesn’t move from there, she knows she can’t.

“Lily…”

It’s the last word that I hear before turning the corner, before she falls on the ground crying invoking my forgiveness. I clench the fist around the strap of my bag and I keep walking. I can’t stand to give this pain to Shagotte, but maybe she’s right. It’s the way that it must go.  In my path I meet Nichiya and Nadi, which respectively have a stare and a sorry look.

“Lily we…” says the black cat constantly moving the arm, even if slowly.

“Take care of her.”

I’m not able to say any more. I don’t want to know if they are disappointed or angry or whatever. I consider them trustworthy people and I don’t know if it’s reciprocated anymore.

“We will do it." says the exceed with orange hair. Strangely he didn’t use neither the word man nor the word perfume in this brief exchange.

I surpass them after a few seconds of glances and silences, as tacit answer to thousands questions.

"Take care of yourself and the baby." adds Nichiya. I stop for a moment. In the end neither of them, in my heart I know, are mad at me for the gesture that I made.