Itās hard joining a new fandom sometimes
Iām just going to take a minute to vent a little bit of my feelings and I honestly donāt care if anyone reads this.
At 25 years old (24 when I started getting dragged into it all), I thought I was ātoo oldā to be a YouTube fan. It was, after all, rather after my time. Established in 2005, I didnāt really experience anything on YouTube until about 2007-2008. Back then it was meme-y BS like Shoop-da-Whoop, āShoesā, Charlie the Unicorn, and Potter Puppet Pals. As I grew older, YouTube seemed like something better left to teens. Maybe use it to look up a music video or something instructional and then fall down a Slow-Mo Guys or choreography rabbit hole. Still not a fandom. The closest I came to such was binge-watching Rob Dykeās WWYPTOTI series and Twisted Tens series.
At Indy PopCon 2016, I was there with friends to see a guest (and caught glimpses of a passing Kevin Smith as I was so that was badass). Two of my friends were already in the YouTube culture world and fans of Markiplier and Dan & Phil. While we were having a snack and playing a card game, they spotted Wade (THE LordMinion777) taking some photos with fans int eh same food court area. I went over and took the photo of them with him, having no idea who this dude was. Less than a month later, (Iād say about 2 weeks) one of those two friends finally introduced me to Markiplier. I donāt remember the reasoning, but she showed me I Am Bread first. It was funny. I liked it. I didnāt think Iād get as into it as she did. However, curiosity had the better of me and I went to my room that night and watched him play ALL of OctoDad: Dadliest Catch. I laughed so hard I cried and that sold it for me. I fell in love. Of course, I had known a little about him due to gratuitous gifs and photos all over this godforsaken hellsite and I always thought he seemed like a nice, genuine person. Overtime, I just kept watching. I got to know about Bob and Wade and Team Edge. I fell in love with Chica. I just really enjoyed myself. Of course, I knew a little bit about JackSepticEye too, but I though being a Markiplier fan was about as deep into YouTube fandom as I was going to get.
About February, I saw a recommended playlist of JSE videos on an unrelated site. At this point, the post with the playlist was about 4 months old. I decided to go ahead and watch it, just to try something new. Naturally, I fell in love. I loved Jack more than I love Mark soon enough, not through any fault of Mark or anything. Heās still a wonderful person. I just loved that Jack was jsut unabashedly, fully, enjoying himself and nerding out and THEN doing the āprofessionalā thing and reviewing the game whereas Mark would try to review while playing and get distracted by his own emotions and reactions. Not that that is a bad thing. That doesnāt mean Jack is better than Mark. I love them both SO much, but I find it easier to connect with Jack that way because thatās how I am too. I think thatās how most of us are. Once again, I thought this was as deep into YouTube fandom as I was going to get. I caught up with most of their videos (both Mark and Jack). The ones that interested me anyway. And then I would go back and forth and catch up on their latest. So, naturally, I got to know Tyler and Ethan too.
Unfortunately- and I feel like dirt admitting this, like I feel so fucking guilty and thatās why Iām venting here- I paid a lot of attention to Tyler and Mark and not a whole lot to Ethan. I didnāt have anything against him at all. He was funny and adorable. I just... *shrug*. But eventually, his self-deprecating jokes about āmy channel is dyingā started echoing in my head. And I found myself going āWhy?ā I knew they would tease him about his opening (which I think is a little unfair since it happens to be joked about more than Markās or Jack though thereās are targeted too) and that was about it. So, I finally went and I hit that subscribe button and waited until I had a little bit of time to really check out the content.
I finally sat down and opened the Crank Gameplays channel and started saving playlists of content that I found interesting. I donāt remember where exactly I started but I was kind of like āOkay. Cool. Cool. I mean thereās a lot of similarities between YouTube gamers, so how much can you really do?ā But then I saw the video of Ethan and his brother singing āIāll Be Home For Christmasā and I was like āWow! He can sing! Heās got a really nice voice! Itās kind of that rugged jazzy, folks-y type voice. He kinda reminds me of like... Train or Matt Nathanson. Neato.ā But then in ārecommendedā came a video (I assume a clip from a livestream) of Ethan playing ukulele and covering āCanāt Help Falling In Loveā. If thereās one thing Iām a sucker for, itās Elvis songs.
I watched that video and fell. in. LOVE. Instant stan. I donāt know what it was but I just... couldnāt help falling in love. Haha.
Like I do, I instantly tried to find out a lot about him as if to play catch up. I was surprised to find out heās a bit younger than me. But heās got the same birthday as my dad (three days before mine and 3 days after my favourite actor) so of course I thought that was pretty freaking cool.
Maybe itās because I always root for the underdog and the secondary characters... maybe itās because blue is my favourite colour... maybe itās because I am a sucker for hazel eyes... maybe itās because I always fall for the biggest dork...
I donāt know. I canāt pinpoint it, but Ethan is so wildly different from Mark and Jack. Theyāre all super nice, super genuine guys, but something about Ethan tugs at my heartstrings way more.
Whatever it is, Iām happy to be here. Iām happy to watch him grow and succeed in the next year. And Iām SO excited to have the chance to meet him at Indy PopCon 2018.
The thing is, though... I feel... like I donāt belong here. In Markās fandom, I really am just a number. Nobody notices. Nobody cares. In Jackās fandom... well, the Overnight Watch was my first foray into community interaction and I was so surprised and overwhelmed by how welcome I was. Like it didnāt matter how long I had been a fan, what mattered was that I was a fan and I was happy to be interacting. And itās nice to be a part of a fandom in which thereās little to no toxicity and drama and hatred amongst fans. Itās nice to be completely accepted.
In Ethanās fandom... well, Iāve been here all of about a week... and I feel like Iām trying too hard. Like I shouldnāt be in this community because everyone else has been here longer. Everyone else understands more. Everyone else is better than me. I donāt matter.
This is why itās nice to have @markidarkimoo as a friend. She stans with me no matter who or what.
The worst of it all in these three fandoms is that I canāt make fanart. I am shit at mood/aesthetic boards. I CAN make video edits, but my current laptop will not support my preferred software and I canāt afford a better laptop for a while. I am shit at photo edits.
I just... I canāt do anything worthwhile. I see all this other amazing work that all of the rest of you put out and I just... feel so insignificant.
Being part of a ābig boxā fandom like Supernatural or Marvel or Sherlock is easy for me because theyāre all fictional characters and people eat up fanfic like theyāre starving to death. Doesnāt matter if I canāt fan art. I can contribute to the fandom and show my love by making stories.
YouTube is different. Itās not based on fictional characters (Jackās Egos and Darkiplier aside), itās based all on real people. I canāt fanfic that unless itās reader insert and thatās not something for the creators to see (*if they ever do, please kill me*) and enjoy.
I donāt know... I just feel pretty useless. These fandoms are smaller than the ābig boxā fandoms so I feel like I have to contribute something in order to properly show my love and appreciation and gratitude. But I canāt. Iām just useless. Iām just a blip.