#certifiablycrazynowwithpapers

aka I cannot make this shit up

aka a series of unfortunate events

How I survived being manic and bipolar in a psych ward

The ER doors swoosh as I stagger in; hyperventilating mid panic attack.  In case you’ve never had the privilege of this experience for yourself - it feels like a heart attack.  Your chest is tight. You cannot catch your breath.  You’re fully conscious as to what’s happening around you but you have no power to make any of it stop.  

Quickly I assess the room for any danger because the paranoia is setting in.  A Latino security guard who I swear to God must be the body double for the hot doctor Nicholas Gonzalez from the Good Doctor is standing by a kiosk asking for my ID.

Whew! *makes fanning motions*

Meanwhile back in the ER where we left our heroine...

The nurses were at a loss as to what to do with the crazy girl making a scene in their ER.  

“Go take a seat in the waiting room.” One of them replies in a nasally voice.  

“Are you” gasps “fucking kidding” gasps and snorts snot as the entire waiting room watches with something between terror and disbelief “me?!”  This has ratcheted my stress to all new levels. Insanely high levels like the summit of Mt. Everest high!

Enter Nurse Candy... not a stripper dressed like a nurse named Candy.  But a legit real live nurse named Candy.  She vaguely resembled Nurse Jackie.  Only not nearly as pretty and 10 times more angry. Candy was late middle aged I’d guess in her mid to late 50′s.  And let me tell you she did not live up to her name.  No she was anything but sweet.  She was a nuclear warhead in the realm of candies.  This nurse had a low alto voice that needed a smile to soften the edges. So every little thing out of her mouth was abrupt and rude.  And to be perfectly honest she was the kind of person that I disliked immediately.

She had mean eyes.  The kind that are void of all humanity from having seen too much. Divorcing her humanity from self in a fucked up coping method that obviously wasn't working,  Her hair was a failed attempt at golden blonde that some how turned out this ashen dishwater blonde.  Would’ve been better if she has just allowed Jesus to take the wheel and go naturally grey.  And she totally gave off the Karen vibe.  You that one friend that everyone has but just doesn’t know why they still hang out with them.

No calm words of encouragement.  Nope I was her first manic break.  So now we’ll refer to her as Candy the candy striper because she felt like such a rookie.  My manic episode made the whole world play in fast forward.  I could not catch my breath.  The world was closing in on me. “You know if you keep doing that all you’re gonna do is pass out.”  Thoughts dance through my mind you mean it will stop!?  Why haven’t I done this yet!? She’s taking my blood pressure and I mutter, “Oh look new high score!“  As it careens out of control into the 180′s over 100′s.  At this point I’m seeing red.  She is the bull and I’m the matador about to run her through with a sword.  This fucking candy striper is abusing me!  

Panting I manage to get out, “You’re a terrible nurse.  Your bedside manner has been weighed and measured and is found wanting!”   “Well excuse the fuck out of me!” She mutters under her breath. “Fuck” *gasps for air* “You!”

ENTER WHEELCHAIR

(felt like this...)

Was actually this one...

I crawled onto the bed in tears overwhelmed by my anxiety.  Irrational fears clouded my mind.  Enter Nurse Jason...  Wow and I do mean wow!  Like a young Clooney with the high and tight cut from Season 1!  I’m finally master and commander of my body faculties again!  *does a little dance*e

Enter Shay.  She is the fastest stick East of the Mississippi River.  But boy oh boy is she rough!

(and this is on the upswing...  it looked even worse two days ago!). My arm now looks like a major leaguer hit me with a bat or that I took a full on fast ball to the bend of my elbow!

It was 4pm when I was checked in.  Saving grace was the Harry Potter Marathon on USA. Now it was almost midnight and my knights in shining armor were here!

Peter and Steven were awesome.  They even let me wait until a commercial break to leave.  I found out that neither my nurse or the two medics had ever seen Harry Potter before!  I was flabbergasted.  I made Steven watch the Hippogriff scene where Malfoy ends up passing out because he’s a little bitch.  And since this was my first ever ambulance ride they gave me a whoop de whoop where they flash the lights and beep the sirens.  VIP treatment for me.