#cecilie

Cecilie had to go through some extra procedures. She did not have the documentation for a passport prior. Her phone buzzed continually throughout it - her Uncle desperately returning her text now that the signal sent it. All the way from the first day she was there, when Erika showed her how to work her phone.

She left it on read.

There were no missed calls, no missed messages, her phone silent until a sign of her existence popped back up again. There was no chance she was missed, no chance she was remembered, no chance of love nor family. All she had was her Uncle, and yet even then her heart rang heavy. He used her - didn’t he? Her ghostly persona, the rumours, all to propagate a business. She followed along with his whims so her family may be happy, and now that too was erased from history.

Cecilie had no worth anymore, so why should she be greeted in kind?

The plane ride - her first one - felt…like nothing special. She slept through most of it, still not speaking a word. Cecilie did not want to consider that her first, proper, aeroplane experience. But it was. And it will forever be. As she navigated airports with assistance, as she was the only one flying this way- some of her friends had others with them on the way back. She was glad for that, but it felt all the more lonely. Opening her eyes and merely seeing strangers, small buildings beneath the clouds, until the world came crashing into view again.

Until she was small again.

Walking through to the entrance where a pair of sharper, weary, pink-coloured eyes stared at her in shock. Large hands scooped her up, the fabric of an expensive blazer scratching against her uncovered arms.

The scent of a far too expensive cologne filled her nostrils, the same sort of sandalwood that always announced the presence of a mousey blonde- going grey middle aged businessman. The feeling of tears hit her shoulder, the type that always shocked her to act, like a jumpstart as she immediately wrapped her arms around the other figure.

Aksel Erdon’s eyes widened - Cecilie, his niece Cecilie Erdon - was giving into affection. Was it because he was crying? How pathetic. She was the one who went through everything. She was the one he should be celebrating. Cecilie Erdon returned. She was home.

She was home.

The thought reached her after she had buried herself in the other’s chest after being set down. The realisation only now sinking in as Aksel cursed for her not sending a reply back, and squeezed her shoulders that she was unharmed. The feeling hit her all at once as she now was not alone, not anymore.

People were surrounding her, some people glancing at the two of them as they speculated just what the grown man was practically babbling over - I missed you. Cerberus is okay, I was taking care of him. The house plants are okay- mostly. A peace lily went missing. I hope there wasn’t a break in. We have your documents now. Do you know that? What did they do, where were you, are you not hurt  - words continued as Cecilie’s hands reached to cover her ears with a tremble. 

“I’m…home..” 

It sounded strained, as her knees felt like they were about to buckle. There were so many people, so many eyes, yet none were words she heard before. In these situations the area would go quiet in her presence, but not now. There was bustling, a mother walking past with her daughter who was presumably going through troubles at her job. A teacher who just got off of a plane, preparing a lesson plan. Suitcases rattling against the floor and a family excited to have a short vacation. There were so many noises, so many people, all alive, all here.

Aksel Erdon watched the shift, the near-emptiness in his niece’s usually lively, typically unblinking eyes. The way she shook, the exasperation on her face, the way she looked tired, worn, pale. There was a bite mark on her ankle, the apron peeking out of her carry-on had dirt and blood on it, he watched…and he quickly knew.

Now was no time for lectures.

A hand goes to blue hair, as he offers a weak smile.

“Let’s go home proper, or at least somewhere quieter, ey, kid?” 

…

The drive back was silent, the radio turned off to let Cecilie return to her senses, even if Aksel had many questions and worries. The kid was more important- his kid, considering his brother was no longer around for her. Cecilie watched familiar streets pass by, as words and plans bounced in her head.

It’s gonna hurt. It’ll probably hurt tomorrow, too. And the day after that. And the day after that. But one day it’ll hurt less.

That seems impossible, right now. She’s going to have to wait again.

Eri, I’m so stupid. I should’ve known. I waited for so long. Aksel– he- he didn’t tell me. 

Dry eyes flicked over to him as she tried to speak, trying to find the words, the right step. But the time wasn’t right, she doubts it ever was right as she instead let out a strained choke that caused a brief look over in concern.

I did want to see them again.. 

“…m’glad..” 

“Hm?” 

“I didn’t keep you waiting like poppa did.” 

The response was a tense air, now she knew how people acted, Cecilie could see how Aksel’s hands tightened on the steering wheel in stress. Yet there was recognition behind his eyes, an understanding of what she meant, even as he asked for clarification. Laughing - a fake laugh, she thinks, but a chuckle nonetheless. The usual spiel, his brother’s a fool, really, probably still chasing another fairytale-

“..I know they’re dead.”

Perhaps this was not the best thing to do immediately after coming home, but death was still in the air. She still smelt it, saw it, felt it, it was the only thing that permeated her senses for so long that it felt right to follow it. From one birdcage to the next, she no longer knew isolation, so she had to cling to the hurt  that she learnt in its stead.

Aksel changed their route, instead taking her to her childhood home that day.

It was a bed and breakfast now, a rather prosperous one, as he refused to get rid of the artifacts his brother and sister-in-law kept. It was niche, but historians and fanatics looking for more information on something beyond the human realm often came to ponder there…plus he cannot deny, having a ghost sighting nearby did boost numbers.

He called for some food, and sat Cecilie down. She almost wanted to fall asleep the second she could truly rest- and maybe not wake up for a month or so, but she was being pierced with a look as he spoke.

Of motivations, of upset, of his worry towards her and wondering if now was really the time she wanted to have this conversation. To which she followed with a yes, even if her body was screaming to take on only one grief at a time, she decided to instead crush herself with it.

He then spoke- of memories of her as a child, a baby. Of her parents’ excitement to have her, of their love during Astrid’s pregnancy, and of the first time he ever held her. He spoke with so much love that she somehow felt worse, guilt consuming her at the thought he ever did not miss her. Aksel spoke of his own upset, hearing the missing in action report, of how he was assuming Cecilie was with them. How he thought he lost such a large chunk of his family in one fell swoop, to only later find her in a dire state.

He chuckled, too, this really is like back then. But it is different. She’s looking straight at him. Whatever she went through was no way to grow, but he’s glad she’s at least okay enough to speak. To continue.

…

He remembers when each and every person she looked at she claimed was dangerous. How she hid behind his legs, and even distrusted him at some point. Aksel could not deal with seeing her suffer more.

She’s all he has left. And he is sorry. 

Yknow, I need to talk to him, but first… 

Cecilie stood, then. She felt weak, guilty, sad, horrid, she was an amalgamation of a viscous ooze simply trying not to sink into the floor and spend an eternity under the earth as a void. She felt so sluggish, so horrible.

But she stands, she walks, and.

She punches her Uncle in the shoulder as she lets out a cry. Collapsing with her weak attempt - even if Jed had taught her much on the last day in terms of throwing a good one, she was left without much power as she fell onto Aksel’s shoulder instead.

And with that, he chuckled again. Tears stinging his own eyes as he scooped up his niece in his arms and carried her back.

He understood what that meant. Forgiveness, in her own odd way, revenge, too. She did not like what he did, but she understood it, and they could continue forward. For now, she needed to rest.

So rest, she did. 

…

As he always tends to be, Harper was right. It hurt to a debilitating level. Cecilie had no energy to get out of bed in the mornings, and her nights were haunted by visions of fights and viscera. Each time she thought about her friends, her heart ached. While she could still manage to text them back, phone calls and video calls often made her feeling worse as she could not fight the association to that wretched place- and the final day she saw it being one where she lost such a dear friend.

When she could get out of bed, she wallowed in a different way. Navy blue tassel keychains took her a while to make, and her ferret, her dear Cerberus, had hardly any new outfits to model. Not that he was complaining about that - it was more so the frequent visits to the SEKAI she took to sit in quiet with Alette and Geri, instead, that worried the poor ferret.

Aksel visited more often, he tried to offer support where he could. Admittedly, for the first month or so, that was simply buying her things. Elated she was back he could not see the bigger picture, and showered her in gifts and gave her company when he had the time to. He’d make sure she got out of the house at least once a week, taking her to get ice cream or a meal together as he prompted her to talk about things she liked- or, if it’d help, that month and a week she spent in that bunker.

To which Cecilie only gave the barest details, showing the photos she took as evidence, and keeping her mouth tightly shut on the Eldritch Entity that conducted the game. Not like Aksel would believe her - ever the skeptic - but if there is one thing she knows, the knowledge of a confirmed greater beyond can have devastating consequences. It’s why all the studies she read spoke in the hypothetical, only saying something concrete when it was about a historical event, and even then that could  have led to this belief, or it may be the cause of this tale.

Her silence, her upset, the long nights she spent up- the way she was growing thinner, wearier, and the way she sometimes simply burst into tears seeing people merely existing finally drove Aksel into booking her therapy sessions.

…

He was not the best at the mental health thing- but he hoped this would help. Though he has to admit he got frustrated that it was not an easy fix-all, that day when Cecilie went to the licensed doctor and spent a while merely talking.

About her past, as well as the game. About her parents, and her wish for friends. About her loneliness. There was a lot to work through, and she kept those who wished to stay in contact up to date on it all. Smiling as she learnt that Ozzy was going to rehab as well during her time in therapy and counselling. It was step one in a hike, but it was needed, she thinks.

Weeks, Months, talking, figuring it all out. The pain never went away. Hovering over her shoulder, clinging to her like a pesky gnat. It never left, but she simply had to learn to live alongside it.

People visited her, Emile getting dragged to the markets that she took interest in and sitting with her on the beach. She visited people, fulfilling her promise to Erika to celebrate Mardi Gras, and to go to a bathhouse and karaoke with Kanji. Plus, she cannot forget the trips she took to America to finally meet Mo, nervousness as Ozzy introduced her to his brother.

The days felt less heavy, even if she could still see Hitome in the sunset, and Maria Dolores in the night sky. She could write letters with more joy, focusing on the snails on her porch as she remembered Johann’s conversation. She skipped, though she still broke down when she heard carnival music or someone tripping over themselves. The bird’s chirping was beautiful as much as it made her mourn, and she went alongside Alette and Geri to meet and care for the new hummingbird found in their SEKAI upon Harper’s departure.

They could talk, sing, and Cecilie remembers a dream, ever-so-small.

Her parents may not have been the best to her, but they were still her family. She loves them and what they stood for. And she wants to know more. In a room within the spirit hollow her hands skim a drawing now finished. Flowers, fantastical and regular. A world she had never seen, rivers flowing, a black cat with bat wings, creatures representing her friends- and a greater beyond.

Cecilie wanted to travel. She was going to. She wanted to write a book, like they did, she wanted to…but, she lacked a lot of the knowledge to start.

Her Uncle took her to visit schools to catch up, but it just caused her to spiral into panic attacks. Sure, they may not have pools and digital clocks everywhere, or a karaoke room, but each classroom still worried her, so she instead picked out a laptop and enrolled online.

It was…ideal.

She travelled as she worked. Head hunched over as each time she went somewhere to visit someone, she’d allow herself the normalcy of saying she did not get something, or she had- god forbid - homework for once! It was something she never had before, and while she was still far from living a regular life, she laughed alongside Geri as she excitedly showed her the textbooks ideas on magic, as they nodded at each other. Because they knew what magic really was. And that it really was out there.

In Brazil, she sought out Maria Dolores’ mother to hand some money over and say she has a lovely daughter, spending time with her  before she ran off to try food she never had before. In America, she stayed over Ozzy’s house, and got a tattoo off the crescent moon and stars over her stabbing scar. In Japan, she finally managed to visit during a flower viewing party. In France, she waved to Emile’s friends and showed off her piano skills. Sometimes she ran out of time for her assignments, putting her behind, but she wrote as she travelled. Dragging Ozzy along with her when she could, though each time she went to America to get him, she somehow ran into Jedidiah as the two bickered like it was nothing. Though each time they did so in Erika’s record store, it earned a roll of eyes as a hater moment turned into a fit of laughter and one exasperated sigh.

It still hurts.

It would forever.

But as she drafted out a potential dedication to a future book she was writing, as she wrote ‘To my Friends, of this world and the next. To the Song a Swan sings, and the Lady of the Lake who accepted me,’ she finally could crack a genuine, soft smile. Tilted slightly, wobbly, imperfect, but a smile so warm it hurt to look at.

She was far from her goal, but it was in the works, and perhaps she may pick up a new dream on the way.