#cdop

What is a place, without a person who gives meaning to it? Today, I will be far from home. Only, I’m not going anywhere.

But even as I typed what I just typed, there was a voice in my head that asked, "Why? Why would you want a full band, with sound systems, with talented musicians an all? Why?" And I realised with all honesty, that it was because I wanted to "improve" my abilities and I wanted that rush of euphoria in playing in a band. I think that playing in a band will make me in the "cool" crowd. There, you see? The focus becomes on myself. How wretched are my thoughts. I don't want a full band to glorify God and His church, no, I wanted a full band to glorify myself, to bring me pleasure. How sinful are my thoughts and motivations! Yesterday while worshipping at Wesley for CDOP, even as I watched the talented musicians play away at their instruments worshipping God with their voices, fingers and hands, I held this jealousy. Thoughts like, why are they so blessed with such talent and why are they blessed with such equipment, why are they so blessed to be able to serve God in a band such as this, why could they have such a worship community present for them but not me. I thought about wanting to be able to be part of the band too, to sing, so that they could hear how lovely my voice is, how wonderful I can harmonise. And there was all these jealous and self-seeking whispers that came into my mind and it made it hard to even focus on God during worship. I knew Jesus had to be at the center when we are worshipping for us to be able to have communion with the holy spirit, when Jesus is not the centre it becomes self-glorification at best. And that is what I am- shallow, self-glorifying, selfish, jealous. So extremely prideful. Thinking that the world should revolve around me, self-pitying myself, wallowing in my own self-righteousness. It's interesting because, I'm always so self-aware and I know which thoughts of me are wrong and I'm heightened in my senses to these which should make it easier to reject such thoughts right? But no, you're wrong, it's so damn hard to. These thoughts almost creep into my self-consciouness spontaneously and flood my very being like cocaine. They flood my consciousness and overcome me. And I know with this shackle, that I won't be able to be raised to be God's warrior, to be God's worship leader because I am not fit to, because my lips do not bring Him praise but bring me praise. So Lord, I ask, that you help your pitiful, wretched, prideful servant. That I long to rid myself of all these vain conceit and pride, all this self-glorifying thoughts, this desire for acknowledgement and popularity from the world. Lord help me, to only want to seek your approval, and let me break free from self-pity in Jesus name. Because I am made glorious and beautiful in your sight, with talents that can glorify you in my own capacity. That I do not have to compare myself to define my self-worth because my self-worth stems from you and you alone. Lord, help me to love you more than I love myself. Help me to surrender myself from my life on the throne so that you may reign in me. I ask all these, humbly in Your Name and Your will, that it be done in my life. Amen