having a requited love would be nice for once, but that's not what my love for you is about. I love you for the amazing being that you are, for the role you hold in the universe. If not loving me back is even the tiniest aspect of your person, then i love you for that too. I don't want to steal you from your girlfriend. Dating her is another aspect of who you are, and when i see how your connection with her makes you happy, i get this overwhelming longing for you to stay to with her and to further this relationship that makes your face light up so wonderfully when you smile. And i love your girlfriend for how wonderful she is to you. Besides that, she was one of the few friends i've had in life as well, and i know her to be such a sweetheart in her own right. That's the kind of person you deserve. She's so perfect for you. Even though when i was drunk, i had a secret vision of kissing you that continues to warm my belly, and sure, maybe having the ability to physically hold you in my arms if that might be a comforting feeling for you would be nice, i ultimately don't want any of that. All i want is to be closer to you. I want to hang out. I crave to be at a point in our friendship where my social anxiety dissipated instead of heightened – talking to you already shoos my depression away for several hours! – and that we were such good friends that i could confess to you and you would understand me enough to know that i wasn't asking anything of you & you could just take it as a heartfelt compliment. I want to shower you in that kind of utterly sincere love without anyone reading into it. I wish we talked. I know you're busy, and i know i'm unworthy of anyone's precious time, so i don't press it or bring it up, but i still wish it. I just want to be as close to you as you feel comfortable & to be able to express what i feel for you to the extent you're comfortable with. I want the occasional hug and bro punches and taking stupid quizzes and laughing about them together and just time spent in your presence. I miss the days when you needed focus, so i would sit a fair space away, and this warm, fuzzy, companionable silence would fall. You were the first person to sit with me at lunch in high school, and i just... miss those lunches. I am so in love with you. Sure, in my ideal world, we might be together, but here in reality, being able to call you my friend is a blessing, and i just miss the platonic bond we used to have. I got used to seeing you every day, and even though it's been years, i still haven't adjusted to only getting a text every few months. Perhaps i'll never get used to it. But, hey, perhaps our current friendship arrangement DOES fulfill my aforementioned wishes – that is, if the distance we're at now is what you're most comfortable with – then that's great. Perhaps this entire thing really is me longing for more than what should be. But my romantic & sensual attraction does not have importance over what you want. Whatever you most want will always be ideal. That's why i'm saying this anonymously and not letting you know; because this entire thing is my wishful thinking that would only cause unnecessary discomfort to you if you were to read it. In what world would a straight man find the company of an asexual, genderless blob romantic? Especially a monogamous & taken man. On top of that, i'm really the butt of the whole universe: the one person who doesn't deserve to exist & certainly isn't worthy of any sort of positive relationship & probably only burdens you. Even if you don't feel like i burden you, i must because i burden everyone – how you reached out to me after we lost contact leads me to believe you at least don't view me as the burden i really am. No one has ever reached out to me like that & i honestly cried. And any time we've hung out or even just after you text, i get that strange feeling that i somehow wasn't bothering you (even if logically i knew i had to have been bugging you, i just didn't feel like i had). You're the only person who i've had that phenomenon happen with. I just really love you a whole lot. I hope you never know i love you this much, but i do hope you feel it in a way that boosts your spirits like nothing but the feeling of being loved can.
