CBT does not work for me, the first time they tried to make me do it, I was slightly depressed at the start and medicated and suicidal after 6 weeks of it.
I cannot 'sit with my thoughts'
I will never answer the 'have you thought about self harm' question honestly. I do not need a 72hr hold in an unfamiliar environment to prove to me life could be worse. It can always be worse, that doesn't mean it's good.
I have sensory issues, I have RSD, I am demand avoidant, I'm waiting for perimenopause to be over so I can get an autism assessment. I don't need to be locked up in a sensory nightmare environment to be told I need help I'm not going to get.
I have always had and will always have moments of wanting to cease existing. There is not a single day I can remember that I didn't have at least one thought of ending my life. I counter those by considering the impact it would have on emergency services personnel and remembering that my health is sufficiently fucked from the results of my 20s that I'm unlikely to make it past 65 anyway, and by making commitments and plans that I have to stick to for someone else's benefit. When my health eventually fails I have a quick and relatively painless exit planned and ready to go with minimal impact to others.
There is no one in my life who needs me to be here, everyone has someone more important than me. I'm not interested in a romantic or sexual relationship so I will never come first to anyone.
There are people I wouldn't want to live without, but that's not a reciprocal arrangement. I'm not on their list to invite to events, I'm not the first person they think of in any situation. But they are happy, and I'm not a child, I'm not their problem however much I'd like to be.
I no longer self medicated with alcohol because liver failure hurts. I don't self medicate with other substances because they don't do very much and they're expensive.
I do use dopamine hits from shopping and crafting, but I can't currently afford those.
The latest CBT therapist wanted me to 'be in my body' and ground myself in the world around me. This is why CBT is no use for ND people with sensory issues.
What do I see, feel and hear etc?
Everything, all the time. Every electrical appliance that's plugged in, the empty socket that's on, the lights flickering at different frequencies, the cooking smells from next door. labels, seams and loose threads, every ache, itch, draft, knot in my hair, bump on my skin.
Everything, all the time
