#cawrites

Some parts of me died after I graduate.

I don’t know how to put it in comprehensible words, but some parts of me died.

I was once a being full of idealism. Probably, I suck too much knowledge I learned from the academe or believed too much on what my professors said. It can also be I have come to fill myself with too much theories from the world I am currently taking in.

It was beautiful- full of life. It feels like I was a sponge sucking all the energy as I prepare myself to become one of the professionals in the world.

I believe that time was the best time to brew myself with possitivity, optimism and something I look forward to the profession I have chosen.

I was eager. I was thristy with knowledge. I was a believer. I was a doer. I was inspired. I was inspiring others…

and I believe that I was at the most wonderful time of my life as a student.

And because of this, I became courageous.

I admit, I got scared of graduation. I was not scared of entering work… but I am certainly sure of I am scared of something in the future.

But then, I was still the being full of idealism that time, and it made me somehow invincible of fears.

I conquered every job interview I got in. I got hired in any place I wanted to work in. I felt I was as good as I imagined myself to be.

Then, something happened along the way. When I started to work, I felt reality was kicking in.

I see that not all theories I studied truly works. I see plans no matter how much I perfectly prepared for it… they fail. I learned that not all things I learned from the academe will be appplicable no matter how appropriate it is. I didn’t understand why time was never enough. I have wasted so many posts its, memo pads for the bountless deadlines and paperworks.

These things happened in a cycle. And every time, I feel reality kicks in, and the idealism in me dies little by little.

The idealism in me dies little by little unknowingly. Until one day, I realized that a great part of it was already gone. I didn’t even feel it was dying time by time as I cry. As I try to conquer every battle I believed I was courageous enough to face.

I thought it made me invincible. It did, indeed. I guess, it was just…in every battle I counquer, it takes a little idealism away and it never comes back- it stays there.

I do not know if its a good or bad thing.

But I feel and wish that somehow I can still be the being fueled with idealism. The one that can maintain the idealism even if reality tries to snatch it in or rub it off.

I wish some parts of me didn’t die along the way.