#catbblogs

Bondy’s post explains the lack of “brotherhood” felt on stage at the shows last summer. The only person Van leaned into was Benji. There was none of the camaraderie between Bondy and Van that used to be a staple at shows. It explains the silence. Some things go out with a bang, and others quietly bow out into the night without a word. Maybe it was easier for them to disappear than to admit the ending to us and to themselves. It could have been pride, and it could have been shame. It could have been hope that it would turn around.

We had a good run. Those of us who lived through all of it, those who came in on the tail end, or the middle, and those who came in after it was already over. It impacted all of us and it brought us together. None of us would know each other at all if it wasn’t for the love of some band that decided to make music all those years back. This forum, would not exist. I’ll forever be grateful for the impact they’ve had on me, hell, Kathleen played at my wedding in 2014. They’ve been in many moments of my life, I’ve traveled 20+ hours and hundreds of miles for shows, and I wouldn’t trade a bit of it for anything.

If CATB choose to continue with replacement members, I will applaud and maybe see what it’s like, or I may just appreciate the memories of 2014-2019 and call it a day. That’s a decision I won’t know how to make until I’m in a moment that might never exist. This isn’t the end for the individual members and I’m sure as life goes on, we will see them pop up in places and we will smile at them in their new life and be fans of whatever that brings. But this is the end of an era. It is the end of what we knew and treasured. We had a beautiful moment in time during the Catfish years and I am forever grateful for all of it.

One thing the boys never never gave us was an encore. It wasn’t their style. They played their shows in a way that captivated you until the end, and they had no need to come back and string you along for a few more songs. They did it up front and never had a need for a coda. I truly didn’t expect them to come back after all of this anyway, and I think I made peace with that a long time ago. At least they stayed true to who they were until the end.

I’ve been involved in writing and publishing books since 2015, and prior to that, I loved writing. It was such a huge part of my soul. For years, I’ve been struggling to get it back. When I started sharing content on Wattpad in 2019, I was a nervous wreck. But it’s been one of the most beautiful experiences in my life.

Every comment you all leave, every like that comes through, and every single “read” that shows up on chapters makes me feel so loved and appreciated and I wish I could explain to you how much your support on that platform and here, had healed me over the course of my writing journey. I truly cannot put into words how much this means to me and how much you all mean to me.

I have big plans for myself, my stories and I’m not going to quit anytime soon. So thank you, a million times over and in so many ways. You all have given me back something that I didn’t think I’d ever find again. I appreciate you and send mad love to all of you.

A word of caution: This will hurt. I've been toying with the idea of writing a story about a band breaking up for years. I wanted to write the rawness of it as it's happening, with no backstory of how the band behaved prior to the fallout. I could never figure out how to do that, until last year, when the drummer of a band I admired, announced that the last three shows he played were his last with the band.

This story is meant to pay homage to a time and a band I knew when things were different. Anyone out there who is still part of the Catfish and the Bottlemen fandom, is feeling a mix of hurt and malice right now, and there's nothing any of us can do other than suffer through it. I decided to make this a fanfiction and I'm writing it in Van's perspective. This is not fact. This is not real. This is just my take on the state of things and my attempt to put life into something that doesn't really exist any more. I don't expect anyone to like it. But I needed to write it. I hope it gives those of us who are still here a little bit of peace, even though it's fictitious.

I love you all.

THE ONLY LIVING BOY IN NEW YORK

CHAPTER ONE

Word Count - 2058

“I’m leaving the band.”

Four small words that were about to change the course of my life.

I was standing on the platform behind the stage for the first time in eighteen months. Nervous excitement brewed just below my skin as we attempted to ready ourselves for our first show post-pandemic. But the words that I heard from my bandmate, were not the ones I was expecting when I’d asked if everyone was ready.

I turned my head at the same time I reached for my guitar, craning my neck toward the person who just spoke the words I never thought I’d hear any of them say. I looked right at Bob, the backbone to the band who rolled his drumsticks habitually through his fingers when my eyes met his. His facial expression was a mix of nerves and relief and the realization of his relief made me nervous.

Updated IJWTBET today. Felt good. Might do it again.

Here’s the link if you want to give it ago. Thanks to all the people who have stuck with me as I’ve been writing it over the years. Still ongoing, can’t quit that shit yet ❤️

Here is Chapter 3 of my fic. Hope you enjoy and it gives you something to do while you scroll through tumblr. Cheers

I Just Wanted To Be Edgy Too

Chapter Three

Van

I kept my sunglasses on as we drove through the rainiest parts of America and stared out the window of the bus. The tea in my hands grew cold an hour ago, but I was too tired to get up and heat it back up. Tea in the microwave never tasted the same to me anyways.

I tapped my finger on the side of the mug as Larry sat down in the bench seat across from me. I offered him a lazy half smile and brought the cup to my lips, pretending not to notice its lack of warmth.

"No sleep again?" Larry kept his voice low, but I could still hear him over the hum of the television a few feet away. Benji was sucked into a show on Netflix and Bob seemed just as interested.

I nodded and looked back out the window. Sleep and I were in a war with each other, and for the last six months I'd been losing. Some nights were easy, and I'd drink myself into a fog and have no problem surrendering to it, but I'd wake up rotten, full of aches and regrets. Most of the time, I'd nod off for a few hours here or there and wake up restless. No amount of writing or attempting to write new material could stifle the urge I had for sleep.

Larry knocked his knuckles against the glass and traced the droplets off rain with his index finger. We shared an ability to speak in silence, Larry and me. He'd been my best mate since we were kids, and even though he couldn't play a song to save his life, I couldn't imagine my band without him. He was a great tech, and someone who loved whatever job I'd appoint him to do. I could read his mind as he stared out the window, looking much older than the boy I used to laugh with in my parent's basement until dawn.

"I miss home, too." I said softly as I took another sip of cold tea.

Larry nodded on a shrug. "Steve said he messaged everyone about the itinerary for the holidays. Looks like we won't be going home until February."

I nodded. I used to feel personally attacked when someone wanted to go home and couldn't because of our schedule. I used to let it eat at me until I'd explode, but I'd learned to channel it into words and not take things so personal. I drove the band into this, it was my responsibility, but not one of us could have expected the success we were given. I warned them years ago that it would come with a cost. No one cared then, but that was before we all lost things that were important to us.

"Maybe we'll have some time off when we get there. Time to ourselves, it can be like old times."

Larry half smiled. "Will it ever be like old times again?"

I turned to look at him leaving my glasses on so I could keep my eyes hidden. I didn't want him to see the truth in them. I didn't want him to see the exhaustion, the worry, the fear. "It'll always be like old times."

Lie. I already told you, never trust a writer. By all means, I was a writer. But if I could pacify my best friend with a bit of a white lie to ease the tension at the table, then I would.

Larry nodded and smiled again, hope furrowing his brows. I wished it could be like it old times. I wished that more than ever. All of it happened so quick, and when we did catch fire, we kind of scorched everything. I burnt a lot of bridges I didn't mean to, and we all started to feel differently than we did years ago. It was heavier on our shoulders now though. A bigger chip. It didn't help that I hadn't been able to write new material in months.

"What was the deal with you and Barns at soundcheck last night?"

I was thankful he changed the subject, I'd had just enough of the heavy. I laughed a bit and leaned into the back of the bench seat. "He's awful inn't he?" I let out a long sigh and shook my head. "He reminded me not to let onto his girlfriend that he's been shagging other girls."

Larry shifted nervously in his seat. He knew I didn't like to talk about cheating, he knew I didn't like to bring up faithfulness in relationships. I had made mistakes too many times in the past for things I'd never forgive myself for. It was my crutch. "What brought that conversation on?"

I shrugged. "She was at soundcheck writing in a notebook and she had a camera. I assumed she was an interviewer and I was on one, so I kinda let her have it for a minute."

Larry leaned forward, a smug look on his face. "You ever seen an interviewer carry a notebook and hand write anything?"

I thought over his question and reached across the table and ruffled his hair. "I said I was proper on one, don't give me that."

"Alright, alright, mate. So, is that what worked up good ol' Barnsy then?"

"I couldn't say. Maybe. I'm not sure how much of it he heard. He was more worried about me slipping up to her I think. I'll be glad when this tours done. If I had any say innit I'd have him gone now. Call up someone else to finish the next leg."

Larry nodded his silent agreement to me. "You're not going to tell her...are you?"

I turned back to the window, glancing out at the endless highway and dull green landscape that rolled alongside of the bus. "I don't even know her, Larry."

"That's not the answer to the question I asked."

I waved my hand through the air. "I don't even know her so I why would I go out of my way to meddle?"

Larry stuck his lower lip out and nodded a few times before responding. "Because you hate Barns."

I laughed.

"I'm not being funny."

"I know. But I'm not getting in their business. That's on them."

"It's just not like you to not say somethin', especially somethin' about things like that."

"Well, I'm not. I don't care."

And that wasn't a lie. I didn't.

**

Bondy woke me up around nine thirty, when the bus came to a stop outside of a hotel in Nashville.

"You don't want to crash here for the night, mate. They got us rooms. C'mon, up you go."

"How long was I out?" I scrambled for my notebook, hoping I was able to get something down before I dozed off, but the pages were nearly just as blank as they had been when I started. The only words I had written down were "edgy" and "I don't know what to say". I didn't have any idea where I had been going with either of them. I tossed the book into my bunk and rubbed my eyes.

"Maybe forty minutes."

"Feels like I slept for days."

"You need to sleep for days, it'd probably fix you up."

I grabbed my bag and followed him off the bus and into the lobby where Steve stood with keys for us. The hotel was all marble tile and glossy counter tops. A chandelier hung from the center of the room and reflected onto the floor. The place looked a little too fancy for any of us. We all stood in dark jeans and leather jackets that were unnecessary for the warmth outside. We didn't fit in here, clearly. The manager of the hotel stood at the desk, a thin line of sweat coating his forehead. Luckily for him, it wasn't us he had to worry about. We weren't the rowdy ones...typically.

"Be down here by noon tomorrow, Van." Steve spoke sternly as he handed me my room key. He was still pissed about us playing Overlap and not telling him. I could hear it in his voice.

"I'll be here."

"You've got two interviews before soundcheck."

I raised up my hands and nodded. "Then let me get to my room so I can sleep."

I brushed past him and ducked into the elevator with Benji. Bob and Bondy were still talking to Steve and nodded their farewells to us as the elevator doors closed showing our reflections in their bronze walls. We both let out long sighs.

"Calling it an early night, Blakes?"

"I'm not as young as I used to be. And I can't stop thinking about that show we were watching. I'm going to soak in a few more episodes."

The doors opened on a ping and he stepped out, but paused for a moment and held his hand against the open door.

"Unless you want to do something." His statement sounded more like a question, and judging by the look on his face, it was a question he feared the answer to.

I shook my head. "I'm alright, probably gonna try to get some more sleep. Maybe I'll have some more luck like on the bus."

"Alright V. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Noon." I said in my best Steve voice. He laughed as the doors closed.

I rode the next three floors in silence staring at the ceiling the whole time. When the doors opened to my floor, I stepped out into the foyer and turned the corner to find my room. Just a few doors down from me stood Barns, fumbling with a key, Ellie at his side. I looked away quickly, down at my own key and pulled my bag over my shoulder tighter.

"Hey Hey!" Barns yelled out. I glanced up and half smiled, more so at Ellie than him. I owed her an apology, but now wasn't the time. I needed to do it when he wasn't around, because it needed to be sincere and I didn't want to slip up and say something about Barns.

"Hope we don't keep you up, McCann." Barns laughed loudly, flashing me his perfect teeth and tilting his head back. I glanced at Ellie, who blushed and pushed her way past him into the room. They disappeared behind their door just as mine opened. A fire burned in me that I didn't understand. Maybe it was just low tolerance for Barns and how vile he was. Maybe I was just jonesing for a drink.

I tossed my bag on the bed and glanced around the empty room for a few minutes before deciding I couldn't be in it. It was too hollow, too empty and quiet, and my mind was being loud and needy. I didn't want to sit in here alone and try to find sleep when I knew it wouldn't come. I pulled my phone from my pocket and typed in Benji's number.

I'm going down to the hotel bar. Turns out I need to do something else. You can meet me if you're up for it.

I shrugged my coat off and rolled the sleeves of my shirt up before sticking my key into my pocket and opening the door. I paused for a moment before making sense of who was looking back at me.