#cat-spawning

Networking is a crucial part of being a superhero. If you don’t take the time to make connections with people, people are going to assume you’re a supervillain. Most people who go around wearing a mask and whatnot and don’t have any friends turn out to be supervillains. It’s just basic statistics. So make sure to introduce yourself to others in the superhero community. But even more than that, connecting with people who have the same power or skill set as you is especially crucial. Forming a network with other heroes who share your powers will help you cement your place in the superhero community, give you access to all the tips and tricks you’ll need in order to be the best version of yourself, and give you a group of people with whom you can commiserate about some of the downsides to having your specific powers.

Getting in touch with people who have similar powers as you is incredibly important, especially if you’ve only just gotten your powers. If you’ve got a relatively common place power (super strength, flight, cat spawning) then you shouldn’t have any trouble at all finding yourself a similarly powered hero to mentor you through some of the growing pains of having new superpowers. They’ll teach you valuable tricks such as “how to avoid crushing your sister’s newborn baby with your super strength”, “how to avoid flying halfway around the world in your sleep” and “how to avoid spawning a very real cat from your own flesh during important meetings.” Establishing these connections early will guarantee that all of your experiences as a superheruman will be much easier. Do you know why the life-expectancy for super-neanderthals was so short? (Barring, of course, Glonknarg the Immortal, who is immortal, and Crodunk the Clumsy, who got lucky) It’s because they were the first and so they couldn’t form power-networks, and so they died! (Also: disease, dinosaurs, and time traveling caveman hunters.) Don’t be like a super-neanderthal, make some friends!

Forming a power network will connect you with people who have experienced many of the same things as you. People who you can relate to. People who, in time, will start to feel like a family to you. A family that you can actually use your powers around, because that’s the whole entire thing. So in a way they’ll be closer to you than your real family, who have to be kept in the dark on your double life. Becoming close with people who have the same powers as you will also make it super easy to find standins, and give you a rare opportunity to try out cool combo moves with your powers.

Being in touch with other people with your powers can also be useful when it comes to joining superhero teams. You see, some superhero teams have specific rules regarding who can join. And sometimes those rules prohibit multiple people with the same powers from being on the same team. However, if you really want to be on a specific team (because their headquarters is literally in your basement and it would be ridiculously convenient), and you’re buddies with everybody who has your powers, then you guys can all just work it out so that everybody gets to be on the team they want to be on! It’s perfect! 

This whole one hero per power per team thing is, of course, idiotic. What’s your team, with only one cat-spawner, gonna do if the bad guys bring two cat-spawners? (Or what if, heaven forfend, Chuck the Fish Whisperer {woah dude, don’t be so cavalier with his name gosh!} somehow escapes the maximum security pocket dimension the world’s heroes sealed him in, and your superhero team only has one guy who can speak to fish???) Or even just one guy who is better at spawning cats than your guys is? Your guy is quickly going to be overwhelmed by all of these evil cats! Unless of course, your guy has a power network. He’s sending one text to a group chat and suddenly every good cat-spawner in the known universe is swooping in to turn the tide! Establish (or, more likely, join) a power network and you’ll never be evenly matched again! 

But what if there isn’t already an established network of heroes that have the powers you have. What if you’ve got a really unique or rare or (somehow) a totally new and original power? Well, then you need to create one yourself. First, try to find others with your powers. Pick a weirdly specific side effect about your powers, such as say, the gross squishy sound your power makes when you use it, and then make some vague internet posts about it. Something like: “Shout out to that weird squishy noise, am I right? #relatablememes #ifyouknowyouknow.” Then track down every person who likes or shares said post. Some of them might just be weirdos, or supportive strangers, but a few of them will probably be people who can actually relate to what you’re talking about. They’re people who have the same powers as you! Now all you need to do is bond with them over your shared weird squishy noise and hope that they don’t think you’re too weird for tracking them down! (If they do think you’re weird for tracking them down, one of you will become a supervillain. Whomever calls it first usually.) 

If you’ve truly managed to get yourself a wholly original power, then first of all, contact the OPG immediately so they can catalogue it. And then send us pics of whatever it is. We bet it’s really weird and we wanna see. It’s possible for a superhero to go it alone, without a power network, but it’s much more difficult. Think of the cavemen. Your best bet is to play god and try to give a bunch of random civilians the exact same powers as you, so that you can then form a power network and not end up dead at the hands of a mastodon or something.