#casper grim

More often than not, you find yourself longing for something you don't quite recall. 

It starts off simple.

Sometimes, you just sit down lost in thought. There's something in the pit of your stomach that tells you that something is severely wrong. You sit still for a moment or two, no thoughts, head empty, and just the quiet beating of your heart against your chest. In quiet moments like these, breathing felt painful. Like there was something holding you down from ever breathing freely again.

As if deep down you knew, you made a mistake you'd regret for the rest of your days.

Only if you remember it, though…

What was it, again? 

You saw something flash from the corners of your eyes. It was a distinct pink, a contrast from its mundane surroundings. Everywhere else was just black and white, as much as you'd expect from a hospital. 

You don't know why you're even here. 

You don't understand what led you here.

All you know is… you had a certain affinity towards helping others. After quitting your job for a reason you don't even remember, and a haze in your mind that made you want to surrender right after, you found yourself volunteering here often. 

It was supposed to be a one time thing. Once when you let your feet drag you in any direction, without any clear thought in mind. Actually, you suppose it's because a former coworker told you about the hospital schedule too, a light discussion about wanting to help others but not having the time to. It was going to be an escape. Something to distract you while you were… grieving? But what for…? You don't really know.

You heard somewhere that people cry randomly for those who don't have anyone to grieve for them. Maybe that's the reason why.

At least it was something you genuinely enjoyed doing. At the very least, you felt more grounded during these moments. 

From all that time, however, you've seen it all.

Families, friends, loved ones… all coming and going. Some enter with another, only to leave alone. Some enter alone, yet thankfully get to leave with another. Some seemed unfair, others not so much. But all is fair in life and death, no?

Not really… or maybe…?

Death takes everything regardless of status.

Death takes everything regardless of age.

Death takes everything indiscriminately.

Death takes…everything.

Time waits for no one, after all.

But you can't help but feel like death was cruel, anyway. I mean, who doesn't want to keep on living, right?

Well…

Laying in front of you is a child no older than seven. He had gray hair and sickly pale white skin… he had the sweetest smile on his face upon seeing you.

“Hello, stranger. Thank you for helping out here in the hospital.”

It felt strange. A person much younger than you is smiling happily at you. He looked so peaceful, content, and… accepting…

A ray of sunlight flashed between the curtains of his room. You suddenly remember his file.

“Rowan, right…?”

Male, seven years of age, terminally ill.

“Oh, you know me!” 

He excitedly wiggled in his bed, yet what caught your attention isn't the kid himself but what he held in his arms. At first, you couldn't tell what kind of plush it was. All you know is its obvious pink color.

He continued to talk to you, grinning the same way as earlier. Yet seemingly sensing your curiosity, he flipped the stuff toy to your direction.

“Isn't he just the cutest?”

You see a pink axolotl of medium height. A wave of nostalgia flashes somewhere in your mind. It makes you feel nauseous inside. It's itchy. Itchy everywhere.

“Indeed…he is. What's his name?” You struggle to say, gritting your teeth while gently clasping your stomach.

“Oh I… I haven't decided yet. Would you like to help me?”

You want to say no. You want to say yes. You want to say there's already a name picked out for him and yet—

You blinked once, twice, thrice. Your head is flashing.

“Ow…-”

There's a ringing in your ears before it gets cut off by the sound of the child's voice.

“—Rael. What do you think?”

“Yes…” You didn't really hear the rest, but you felt inclined to agree. “I think it's perfect.”

“Henceforth, you are now Azrael the Great!”

Huh… named after the Lord of Death…? You don't even have the heart to ask, anymore.

It does sound befitting though. You can't help but be filled with the urge to take it with you.

You visited again.

Another patient this time.

You knocked on the door gently, though only opening it after hearing a soft “enter” from the other side.

You twisted the doorknob open, revealing a middle-aged woman with dark brown hair. Her aura felt…matured? Or dreary… You honestly can't tell. Must've been because of aging.

Her glasses housed her gray eyes that seemed to have barely any light reflected in it. There was a tinge of a frown on the corner of her lips.

She was sitting down with her shoulders sagging. A crest falling over her eyebrows.

She looked…sad. Tired. Perpetually exhausted.

As if the world took everything from her without so much as a second thought.

“Miss Leonie…”

You approached her. She glanced at you briefly and nodded her head, before her attention returned to the clear and transparent window.

A flash of black passed by. It was a bird you couldn't identify. Followed by a raven.

How odd.

How painful.

Absent-mindedly, she handed you a bunny hair clip.

Looking back to the hair clip now in your hands, which you don't know why you even accepted, but you think it's due to the patient's gratitude for you helping out, you felt the need to partner it with something cuter.

You head towards a nearby shop selling trinkets of many kinds. You only had one purpose here and that you will get.

You hummed a tune you don't remember the title of. The doors automatically opened upon sensing your arrival. Huh, must've been automated. It chimed the continuation to the song. Such a coincidence.

You ignored everything else and walked straight to the hair accessories section. Three things caught your eye — a skull, a sunflower, and an axolotl hair clip. It would definitely match your onesie of the same animal. 

You reached out for the three and walked to the checkout, only to see the cosplay section of the store. There were many things in it — cutesie costumes, emo edge lords, unstyled and styled wigs, belts upon belts upon belts… weapons… Was that a scythe?

You walked out of the store with the reason you came in. Three hair clips to match the bunny. A huge black scythe.

And maybe one too many belts to count. 

Staring at it now, you almost cried. Did that make you broke?

Finally home, you are greeted by your beloved pet and your lively plant. You reach out and let yourself be nuzzled by the hand. You then decide to contribute to nature by watering your very own.

You've set down the things you bought from the store. It's such a scam! You thought. So much worse than IKEA.

Though you do think it was cool, or weird, how many people looked at you on your way home due to the sheer size of the scythe you were carrying.

You set it upwards, next to your bedside, careful as to not let your baby touch it.

You put down the hair clips on the table, then hang the many stylish belts down the rack.

It was so… you don't really know what to say, or what to feel. Because you feel it all at once. Just like that, from the pit of your ever uneasy stomach. Not diarrhea, though…

You lay down on your bed and let the time pass, exhaustion finally enveloping you.

Then, it was dark.

You haven't dreamt in a long time, but this one was… surreal.

You see many things. It felt very familiar. It made your heart ache in ways you can't explain.

There was a red room full of posters. 

There was a sea of sunflowers.

A large library filled to the brim with books. 

You remember how haunting it felt.

But it all disappears when your heart changes to convey a longing from the deepest part of your soul.

Long streaks of white hair envelope your vision. You remember being entangled in it. Once you move, an intense red stare follows, tracking your every movement down. You find it oddly endearing. 

Yet that's all you can see. Just the blurs of color. Unknown to the very form it once took. Your heart dropped.

You wake up some time in the evening. It seems like your nap took longer than expected, yet instead of feeling rested, you feel more exhausted. 

You stretched out your limbs before groggily moving away from your bed. Which was a bad decision on your part, seeing as you soon stumbled towards your door. Your head is pressed against it as you fall, you then hear two people scamper out due to the noise you created. A shame, really. Eavesdropping would've been juicy.

Letting out a sigh from disappointment, you hear the soft rumbling of your stomach, practically begging you to be fed.

You shook your head gently, tears pooling from the side of your eyes. Your random bouts of crying seemed to happen often, nowadays. It started around the time you quit your job. You wonder if it's because you feel hopeless or you pity yourself for being powerless. Huh.

Though you did observe it almost always happens after waking up. Like something very much valuable was missing. Like you lost the most important thing you had. Could it have been your soul? No, you were still alive. Must've been your soulmate, then. If you even had one.

You don't really recall your dreams either, so you couldn't attribute it to that.

A light sniffle escaped you which turned out to be more shameful than what you'd like to admit. Though you soon ignored your feelings, just like any other day, in favor of feeding your pet, then yourself.

You don't really feel like eating, despite the hunger growing inside your stomach. So, you decide to snag a piece of bread and fold it in half, instead. A nothing sandwich, how weird.

Mid bite, there was a realization of shock that occurred from the strangeness of it all. You feel as if you're going insane. You can't pinpoint what's happening at all. That's when you blame it on hunger. Why would folded plain bread taste much better than not, then?

You open your cupboard revealing a stash full of cup noodles. A majority of it was original flavor, so you decided to prepare for that instead.

While waiting for the water to boil, you decide to open the lid of the cup noodles and pour out its seasonings. Soon after, the screeching of the kettle filled your ears, leaving you to mix it with your comfort food. Since when did it become your favorite? You had more in real food than this.

As the food was finally deemed edible, you took out your utensils and began to eat. You continued your delayed crying session in the comfort of a warm meal.

You continued sobbing, probably from the loneliness of it all. You wonder what's really wrong with you. 

As you, you set it all aside for cleaning up later. You don't really have the energy for anything, anymore.

You stood up and went to your desk.

You sat down on your chair and turned on your laptop. As it finished booting up, you saw something that made panic rise to your throat.

Did I accidentally download a virus!?

A messaging app was still there.