Dear Carissa,

 What the fuck. There are no words to say I miss you more than I do. Grief is really such an unusual feeling. Some days I’m okay and I feel as if I’ve come to terms as to what happened, and some days I feel like I’ve found out for the first time all over again. Tonight is one of those nights. 

 I came across this picture of us at graduation. The first picture is me looking at the crowd and pointing as I probably spotted my dad who was taking the picture. You were behind some random person and all you could really see was your cap. In the next picture following you had moved in front of me and threw your hands up in the air, as you spotted my dad too. You can see me in the background laughing. Genuinely happy. I absolutely love this picture because it’s so you. I miss your aura and constant crazy happiness. I didn’t know I would only have you around for another 9 months. I didn’t know at all.

 Of course, there is no way to know. Life takes its twists and turns and sometimes the best of us have to go. Still to this day I still question “why”. Why you? Why at that vulnerable part in our lives did you have to go? My saying used to be “Everything happens for a reason”, and I stood by that. However, I don’t know what reason would ever remedy you dying. I don’t refer to that saying anymore.

 Tonight I’m acknowledging the fact that I miss you, but more so the fact that you’re gone. I forget how vital you were to me and my life, how sometimes I pretend you’re ignoring me to scab the wound of you permanently being gone. Sure, it’s unhealthy but sometimes I can’t take the pain of you not being there for me anymore. I truly miss you, Riss. 

 I don’t know when the grief will get easier. Some days I feel above water. Others, I feel like I’m drowning. Tonight is one of those nights.

I love you, best friend. I hope heaven is all you ever wanted and more. We miss you down here.

Much love,