#captclare

“Piece of shit boat” written by CaptClare

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Callum,

So I’m fucked. I fucked up and I’m fucked. It’s been 21 days since that piece of shit boat sunk and I’m fucked. I guess I should be telling you how much I love you and how sorry I am but I’m not sorry because it was a blast til the damn thing sank. I’m so pissed at myself. You were right (you finally have it in writing), I should’ve never gotten on that piece of shit boat.

Well that’s that I guess. If you get this, first, I apologise for the state of my rotting, but fabulously tanned, corpse. I am in a dingy in the middle of the ocean and it’s hot and I can’t do anything about it. I hope the seagulls have a feast though. They always look so hungry. I bet you $20 they take my eyeballs first. I would. I bet they’re delicious. Maybe I should eat my eyeballs! That would probably only get me a day or two more though, or not. I don’t know. Add that to the list of things I should’ve known before getting on that piece of shit boat. Second, please look after Bro my bromeliad. He needs watering like once a week and some sun. Talk to him too. He’ll miss me.

Damnit, I don’t know what to say. Chances are you probably won’t even get this because I’ll eat it. I’m so hungry that I’m not hungry but still like really hungry.

I’m totally going to eat this pencil after I’m done.

Ok, well that’s me. Thanks for being cool and funny, and not an asshole. You should find a nice girl, nicer than me but not weird cult nice, like normal nice and one not so adventurous. Honestly if I am miraculously rescued before I cook to death in this fucking heat we should probably break up. Especially since I’ll have to spend all my time writing a best selling book about my extraordinary tale of sailing and survival in the high seas. Shit, I probably should’ve used this paper to start writing it.

Anyway, tell your dad he’s awesome and your sister she’s a bitch, and stay away from piece of shit boats.

Love Clare

xx

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