#captainsblog

confronted with free time, i'm at a loss for what to do with myself.  work occupies whatever time you give it, and the great tranquilizer is that it feels productive.  you can go years doing that, not realizing that if you ever did become that newspaper-reading retiree in the coffeeshop window you pass daily to work, that you wouldn't know the first thing about living your own life.  

work, artistic pursuit, entertainment, the responsibility of a social life, these are distractions from the one great horrifying question: what can i do right now that justifies me being alive?

sprawled in my living-room, brooklyn new york, eight-22-pee-m.

the answer, of course, is to do that which fulfills your being.  dancing can do this, so can sex, or playing a guitar.  so can cutting a cucumber.  simultaneously, none of these things guarantee fulfillment.  it's a state of being, goddamnit!  

back to square one.  enlightenment.  the only destination that doesn't require you to move.  the web of my desire breaking down.  until you're left in a noiseless room and yourself in a body that is delightful and foreign to you.  that's when you know you're getting somewhere.

a new month begins.

way the rent was paid: had to borrow money from Ally, who insists that it isn’t borrowing because she thinks of us as a unit.

that’s easy for me to understand, but it’s still not natural for me to feel that way.  i don’t know if that’s due to ego or a masculine ideal for independence.

it’s incredible how much that woman believes in me.  or maybe it’s just real.

i’m sitting on the loveseat in the living room.  it’s getting cold in New York finally.

these days, i’m feeling one of two ways:

one, money is on my mind.  it’s a gnawing in the chest that can last for days.  i am hyper-aware of time “running out”, and paranoid that i’m not using it correctly.  i am generally more negative in these moods, way less creative, my body is heavy, and everything looks like work.

two, spirit takes over.  i’m light, bouncy, energetic.  time disappears and i see the big picture: my life isn’t divided into months and instead exists as a single continuum.  i stop worrying about the rent, and think of it only as a minor obstacle.  i see the connectedness in everything i do, and therefore nothing is work.  i am inspired, highly creative, and believe in my ideas and myself. 

it’s a phenomenon that i’ve observed in in meditation, making art, making love, martial arts, etc-----the moment you stop pushing yourself to do something (ie: make $ for rent), you find yourself doing exactly what you need to be doing to accomplish it (ie: coming up with good $ ideas).

state #1 is when my mind tries to push me into being productive, and instead i feel negative and sluggish.

state #2 is when i let go of the pressure, and i become immediately tranquil and inspired and productive.

 My ledger says -239.00 

 the worse that number looks, the more persistent state #1 becomes.  at least comfort is gone.  these days i’m either scared or ecstatic, but never comfortable***.

gotta remember to smile. &

***captain correction @ 3:10PM: it's bullshit to say that I'm never comfortable.  i am sometimes.  there are still many layers waiting to be burned off.

this post is dedicated to my boy Kevin Lin, who texted me, “I quit today, thought of you as I did it”

but i’m not trying to glamorize jumping off the job boat. 

where i come from, everybody is at least middle class.  i can more easily afford to take a risk because in the worst possible scenario, my parents can throw me a life preserver

with that said, i don’t know too many townies who test that advantage. 

in the last 3 months, committing to no job, failing over and over, borrowing and losing money, and finally conquering that voice in my head that screams, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! GO BACK TO A JOB!!!”  has entirely transformed my life

i’ve never been this productive.  i’ve never been so forced to be creative under pressure.  i’ve never felt so alive on a daily basis

when you think about it, animals in the wild live without security.  a wild animal is never assured of the when or where of its next meal.  however, it has a sort of faith in its own abilities to find a way.

i believe that’s crucial to feeling alive.  i believe that’s how humans were as we developed, and only in recent history do we have this phenomenon of people structuring their entire lives around comfort and security.

anyway, i made $40 at a naked tea party yesterday, and tomorrow i’ll be facilitating a creative brainstorm session for the National Academy ($280).

oh, and i learned today that i’ve been written up again for the second time in two months.

my ledger for this week says $136.55

as always, i welcome anybody for any reason to connect with me.  i’m at [email protected]. 

over and out!  &

Wow, Its been a long time since I made a blog for the Coqui Gamers, Today is April 2nd, 2012. Its been 2 years since we started, and 2 years of pretty awesome people joining us and making a name for themselves and for CG. But we're still starting.. its been pretty slow for the past 2 years, Mostly because I've been here in New Jersey, and as the most active of the 4 (yeah, 4) founders of CG, I feel like its kinda silly having me in New Jersey while running a gaming group based on gamers in PR. 

But, Im glad to announce, this is all going to change! WE are all working hard on a new site, new articles, new youtube videos, New everything, and hopefully with this wave of material, new Coquis. Yeah, millions of them, keeping you up at night, too small to see, watching, waiting.. oh. I really need to start a book on a million blood thursty Coquis.

and I want to Personally thank you ALL for contributing, even if you do nothing but like all our post on Facebook, its shows us that you care, and that we're not just wasting our time. and if you actually comment, post, and give input on everything, then consider yourself a real member of the CG, cuz I sure as hell do, lol. I really am Proud of you all

Enough smooshie wooshie talk, get back to work *cracks whip* 

Also, if you'd like to write an article for us, make a video, or anything like that, feel free to send me a message with the idea. :D

Love, peace and chicken grease