#captain positive

Vigilantism

 By Doctor Pessimist

   Vigilantes often take the law into their own hands – when they’re out on their nightly patrols, beat up criminals, and even cause a lot of property damage.

 Yet, many police officers get in good with vigilantes – just look at Jim Gordon, and his relationship with The Batman. True, I know that The Batman earned Gordon’s trust, but it still sickens me. I agree with the Joker that the police are hypocrites.

 That Positive Peon, Captain Positive, whom you all know and love, got in good with the police force straight away. Good lord. The police treat him as their own messiah. It wouldn’t surprise me if they would actually wipe his feet for him.

 And do not get me started on humans that cry and say that we villains create heroes. Many of us villains were created first – with our horrible lives, and our terrible upbringing. I am not part of the privileged elite – so do not dare assume my childhood was sunshine and lollipops.

Hero-Tech City

 By Doctor Pessimist

   Hero-Tech City is a cesspool of positivity, which is constantly protected by the watchful eye of Captain Positive. It was once infested with unsavoury characters. Thanks to Positive Enterprises, it was quickly transformed into Captain Positive’s police-state.

 Hero-Tech City is also the home of Super Chimp – a young hero Manic Minion and I have encountered on numerous occasions. We once aided in his cause to save the world from the evil Chumbles – which required our infiltration of the Chumble Tower.

 Someday, Manic Minion and I shall return to Hero-Tech City. Then, the two of us shall induce it with mass pessimism, so I can transform it into my own personal utopia. However, due to recent events, that remains nothing more than a pipe-dream.

Negative thoughts…

Did you know that you have over 50,000 conversations with yourself each day?

It’s unbelievably true. Unfortunately, most of these conversations are about yourself, and according to research, 80% of these are negative thoughts.

This means we have over 40,000 negative thoughts each day.

We spend so much of our time telling ourselves we’re not good enough, not smart enough, not…

Doctor Poisonous

 By Doctor Pessimist

   A disclaimer: This is not a rant, but an article about a colleague, and a trusted friend, ladies and gentlemen. So please, grab yourself a drink, and have a good read.

 Doctor Poisonous indeed was mysterious: No one knew his origin, and nobody knew his secret identity, either. He just turned up one day, and started wreaking havoc. I intercepted him as he was poisoning people with his chemicals. How on earth was I to depress people, if there are no people to depress? We battled but he was somehow immune to the effects of my Heart Manipulation technique. He told me he’d used an injection of sorts that made him immune. Of course, he was shocked that I, a mutant, was immune to his deadly poisons, too.

 Unfortunately, that nuisance, Captain Positive, spoiled our fun and arrested Doctor Poisonous – and yet, I managed to escape. Poisonous was taken to an asylum, and his victims were cured by Positive. Manic Minion and I were actually amused, when Poisonous escaped from the asylum. I heard he barged into the headquarters for The League of Evil Doctors. He declared that he was going to finally kill Captain Positive. The other villains laughed at his lofty claim, and they said it cannot be done.

 Yet, Poisonous found a way; by the usage of foreign substances that aren’t native to this planet. He infected Positive – and lo and behold, he was almost successful. However, Captain Positive’s butler managed to rescue him in time. The League of Evil Doctors was impressed and they allowed Poisonous join. He put in a good word for me and I wound up joining, too. Also, it was he who helped me create Nega-Bullets; that were made out of the same compound he used. Ever since then, we became acquaintances.

 Poisonous introduced me to his assistant, Ms. Cyanide; a gothic-looking girl, pumped with strange chemicals that made her all powerful. Sadly, Poisonous had a deadly encounter with the League of Positive Heroes. He was stuck on a space station that was set to self-destruct. We tried to help him, but sadly, we failed. He presumably died, and of course, we blamed the League of Positive Heroes. The League of Evil Doctors disbanded after Poisonous’ apparent death. It became a free for all, as to who would be successful in killing Captain Positive and his band of misfits.

Charity Advertisements

 By Doctor Pessimist

   Ever since I was a child, I’ve had it drilled into my skull that we should all be giving to the less-fortunate. The teachers and faculty set up charities, fundraisers and even food festivals. Of course, at the time, I strongly believed in helping out others. I donated money (what my parents gave me), and donated cans of food, too. And yet, I noticed an odd occurrence; the situation for the less-fortunate wasn’t improving... I pointed this out to various teachers, but all I got was them yelling at me to work even harder. (I tried telling my parents, but they scolded me, too.)

 When I was at University, I had to endure watching a charity video made by my peers. In their video, they said that children in Africa were drinking polluted water, and we needed to donate lots of money to fix the issue. I said, “Or, we could all work together right now, head over there, and help purify their water for them.” I was scolded by the cretins, even though I truly wanted to help. Hell, I even made my own video, but the dolts still didn’t understand my point.

 I’ve seen charity advertisements that are more than ten-years-old, and still guilt-trip you into donating your money. And yet, the money that went into the production for said adverts could’ve easily been used to help the poor. I’ve even seen celebrities on the TV guilt-trip the working class into donating their money. Even that dolt, Captain Positive, has appeared in charity adverts, too. (I won’t shame all celebrities, as I know some that actually do donate some of their money.)

 Disclaimer: I am not against donating to charities, and I still believe in helping out others. I just wanted to rant about outdated charity adverts, and question why suffering still exists. As you all ponder that notion, I’ll be attempting to open a tear; so Manic Minion and I can go back home.

Captain Positive

 By Dr. Pessimist

   The aim of my slot for Pessimist Press is to talk about my personal pet peeves, and what better way to start it off than to talk about the infamous Captain Positive. Sure, you people see him as a hero; he’s here to save the day, and he perks you up. However, his positive nature is a disgusting lie, and I intend to expose him as the fraud he is. So, prepare to join Team Pessimism, because hopefully, this will persuade you to agree with me.

 The first time I encountered him was prior to the creation of my associate. I was using a powerful satellite amplifier to augment my powers, and depress the people of the world. Sadly, Positive appeared, and used his might to beat me senseless. I got sent to a private clinic, but soon escaped and fled to my old lair. After my defeat, and relying on my accelerated healing, I had no choice but to create a minion that would help me defeat him once and for all. Originally, Manic Minion was supposed to be depressed (just like me); but something went wrong, during an electrical storm, and he became hyperactive and manic. Thankfully, it wasn’t a total waste of time as Manic Minion is loyal and is sickened by my nemesis’ heroic behaviour.

 Whenever I come up with an evil scheme, the do-gooder, Captain Positive, regularly ruins them. I am not the only one who has fallen victim to his vigilante ways. I have seen frequent news reports of the Captain; he has stopped robberies, assaults, and even greater crimes. And do you know what the worst part is? He has the nerve to call me ill – and he is obsessed with curing me. He has used his powers to sense that I am no ordinary human being: I guess you may classify me as a mutant – just like in your juvenile comic books. I depress people by using my negative energy. Captain Positive, however, has the opposite power to me – and makes people happy.

 Therefore, I propose that there should be an international bill to banish Captain Positive from the planet. Why the planet? I have an ongoing speculation that the man may be an alien from outer space. Yes, yes, it sounds like Superman; but hear me out. I have fired normal bullets at him, hit him with my vehicles, and used toxic substances; but none of them have worked. What is effective against him? I shall tell you all: The Nega-bullets that I created from raw materials (which are not native to this planet). This supports my theory that he is an alien from a foreign planet. Do some blood tests, anything you can, and have him banished.

 Now, I am not the only villain who is constantly bullied by Captain Positive – but that is a story for another time. I hope you all realise who the real victim is, when it comes to the “Pessimist Vs Positive” debate. And I hope you all shall follow Pessimist Press.

 I believe Manic Minion’s debut is this Friday, so stay alert.