#captain awkward

The bit that twigged for me:

If you end up talking about things with her, say, when Elizabeth inevitably notices your withdrawal and pushes you about it, the script you are looking for might be some version of this:

“I definitely don’t want to upset you or hurt your feelings, but I also don’t want to apologize for something that isn’t actually wrong. 

For example, if we’re going to stay in each other’s lives, it has to be okay for me to  hang out with other people without consulting you first. It has to be okay for me to do social stuff when you aren’t available. It has to be okay for me to tell you good news about my life and hear ‘congratulations, that’s so great!’ instead of comforting you about the things in your life that you are unhappy about.

When your dynamic with a friend has shifted unacceptably in the direction of “full-time, unreciprocated, unpaid therapist” and you need it to reset: https://captainawkward.com/.../question-143-i-lent-an.../

When you’ve heard that something about you is a Dealbreaker that puts you out of consideration for some people to date, and you’re worried that it will prevent you from ever finding love: https://captainawkward.com/.../question-162-i-am.../

When someone in your life delights in pushing your buttons (perhaps because they’re playing Trigger The Lib, but maybe also for some other reason) but then gets butthurt when you react as though your buttons have been pushed: https://captainawkward.com/.../917-how-to-set-boundaries.../

When someone won’t stop touching you (including a lot of great generalizable advice about how to set boundaries in a way that can’t be argued with): https://captainawkward.com/.../685-quit-touching-a-review/

When someone you care about is having the flavor of poor mental health that involves being an dick to everyone and then using people’s reactions as grist for the mill of Nobody Likes Me, Everyone Hates Me, Guess I’ll Go Eat Worms https://captainawkward.com/.../241-am-i-my-extremely.../

When there’s diet talk: https://captainawkward.com/.../question-152-talking.../

When you have intense romantic feelings for someone who does not reciprocate them: https://captainawkward.com/.../372-how-do-i-perform-a.../

When you want to end a relationship, but you still care about the person a reasonable amount and want to make sure everything goes smoothly for them: https://captainawkward.com/.../1368-the-ethics-of.../

(via #1453: "Is my ADHD ruining my relationship or am I just with the wrong person for me?")

The part of this letter that got my blood boiling was LW’s partner getting upset at not being woken up with coffee on her birthday, when this is something LW had no idea she wanted. 

Now, I do understand that there are certain gestures that someone might want where part of what makes it special is the spontaneity, so straight-up asking someone to do it for you kind of defeats the purpose. But this is what dropping hints is for! So, your friendly Neurotypical Whisperer is here with some thoughts on how hints are dropped, so you can drop them for others or recognize when they are dropped upon you. (US-ian frame of reference, your culture may vary)

In the example here, if Partner wanted to give LW a chance to actually do the nice thing she imagined (to be clear, Partner here did not actually want that, it was clearly 100% a trap, but we’re supposing that a reasonable person could also want this) she first needed to introduce the idea. Ways to do that would include:

doing it for LW’s birthday!

sharing a post or video of someone doing it for their partner

mentioning that you heard of someone else doing it for their partner

This way it has at least been established that in Partner’s world, birthday coffee is a thing that exists. Without having done anything like that, they are 100% picking a fight and there’s no way to win.

So, for those of us who want people to just say what they mean, how do you know the difference between “hey this thing is neat” and “please do this thing for me”? 

Generally, a true Dropped Hint is accompanied by some kind of generalized wistful statement. (Wistful tones often sound like enthusing over a cute baby animal, including increased pitch and drawing out vowels.) Phrases to watch out for:

“I bet that would be so nice.”

“Oh, wouldn’t that make such a great tradition!”

“I’ve always liked the idea of that.”

“They’re so lucky to have such a thoughtful partner.”

(Be sure to cross-check against what else you know about your partner, to make sure that part of that wistfulness isn’t “too bad I’m deathly allergic to that” or something.)

This combination of introducing an idea plus a hypothetical desire for it does not automatically rise to the level of “this is a thing I actively want you to do,” but it does mean it’s likely to be well-received even if they genuinely weren’t expecting you to do it. Note that every additional time they bring up the same thing, the chance increases exponentially that they are outright asking for it while trying to maintain the illusion that it’s really your idea.

Finally, if you are the partner wanting to be surprised by something specific, might I suggest enlisting the help of a mutual friend? That way someone else can directly say “You should wake Partner up with coffee on her birthday. It’s something she really wants but she’d feel weird just asking for it.” They have the information they need and you get that little thrill of an unexpected gesture. Everyone wins!

I want to be clear that this advice is specific to gifts and similar gestures. If you find yourself constantly doing this calculus for things like weeknight dinner or dealing with your families, you’re looking at a communication mismatch that needs to be called out and worked on (and might end up being a deal-breaker). But the element of surprise is an inherent component of gift culture (in the US at least) and that’s often at odds with direct communication. Plus, once you know what sort of indicators accompany a dropped hint, you’ll find that most people aren’t particularly subtle about it.

Sir Gawain and the Green Knight