uh, so i go by three names. My given for family, my middle for school/etc, and my own chosen name for my friends. My friends do not know my given names, but I was playing with one of them and my sister. She says my first given name in a public game, and then my friend said it in our disc chat. I felt so scared I immediately denied that name. My chosen name is more masc leaning, but some ppl just call me a more fem vr of it and I don't have it in me to tell them to stop. idk what to do.
I’m sorry this happened. Its okay if you can’t correct them. But what if you said, “I don’t have it in me to tell them to stop, right now?” If you are planning on asking others to use a different name than you do right now (or at least considering it), it might help to think about this without a deadline.
If you wanted to increase your confidence regarding your name, you could try the list below. When I type name, I mean your chosen name. Not everything below will work for everyone so try to find what works for you. (This is based from here.)
1. Sign your name in different ways. Try your left hand and your right hand.
2. Try your name out in a story. The Pronoun Dressing Room creates a story for your name
3. Have a stranger, who you will never talk to you again, use your name. You could call Ally Moms, message The Gender Affirming Letter Accesses Project, TrevorLifeline + TrevorChat + TrevorText, TrevorSpace
4. Narrate out loud. For example: “(NAME) is walking across the hall.”
To ask them to use a different name:
1. You could use DEARMAN.
D: Describe to others what you need them to do in a non-judgmental, neutral way.
E: Express how you feel about the situation you are in. Be clear and describe it how you feel. Don’t just say what you think they want to hear. Don’t assume they know how you feel about this.
A: Assert exactly and directly what you need to change or to happen. Don’t assume they know how you are thinking or feeling. Speaking directly avoids miscommunication.
R: Reinforce why you are asking them to use different pronouns. Explain the positive effects for you and your relationship with this person.
M: Stay mindful and stay focused on your goal. Don’t let yourself get distracted by the other person or yourself. A solution could be writing down what you are going to say and read it (or have them read it and give you their thoughts).
A: Appear confident. Speak in a calm voice so they react calmly. Talk loud enough to be heard but don’t raise your voice because this could escalate the situation.
N: Negotiation. If things aren’t going in your favor you could ask what they think is appropriate. In this situation, it could be using your middle name (if you are comfortable with this). Step by step worksheet Based on this post
2. You could provide the people in your life some resources.
When it is happening:
1. Ignore it. This will most likely will hurt but it would reduce friction between you and others. You do not have to correct everyone every single time because it isn’t your job to make them learn/remember your name.
2. Pretend to be an undercover spy acting/dressed as what others call you. This may sound silly but it does work. (Explained here)
3. Talk to someone you trust who will listen.
4. Do something (afterwards) that will make you feel okay. Examples
5. Write a few sentences that are affirming and carry them with you/read them before. Examples:
“Only I know what is the best name to call myself.”
“I am the expert on me.”
“My name is (NAME) and no one can change it.”
“If I can’t correct someone, that’s okay. If I ask for support in correcting someone else, that’s okay, too.”
-Mod Zay
