#canvan

CANDACE: Once a week, all the interns from the various subprograms gathered in the auditorium (because yeah, fancy NASA science centers had auditoriums) to listen to employees from different branches of NASA talk about their journeys to success. It was fun and interesting. Candace liked it because sometimes, the people had really untraditional trajectories and it always made her feel a little better. Like the archivist that they had today talked about how she’d been a librarian before applying for the job at NASA, not even knowing they had archival positions. Candace hadn’t known that either and while she really would prefer to work in the astronomy department, it was nice to know there might be other options.

She was feeling bouncy and chipper as she made her way to the cafeteria with the rest of the hoard of interns. Her eyes scanned over the tops of everyone’s head, looking for Vanessa, but she couldn’t find her. Instead, she thought she felt someone looking at her. She turned to look over her shoulders and one of the girls from her program--Brittney--dropped her gaze and the person she was with glanced away suddenly.

Candace felt her face heat and she moved forwards quickly. Getting her lunch and looking again for Vanessa. She found her seated with all her engineering friends. People that Candace still didn’t know how to fit in with, but--it was better than eating alone. Even though she still sat a few seats away from Vanessa and it felt like she was alone anyway. 

“Hey, Candy right?” 

Candace glanced up at the girl with green hair who appeared in front of her. She wasn’t someone Candace recognized. “Uh--yeah?”

“Ohmygod. Could I, like, get your autograph?” 

“What?” Candace blinked owlishly. This was not at all how she had envisioned someone asking for her autograph for the first time. Mostly because she had no idea why it was happening. 

“You run CaNDyPoP101, don’t you? I love your songs! The one about the shark was on my Spotify wrapped last year.” 

Candace felt as if the entire room had suddenly shrunk down. Her breath caught in her chest. All of Pacifica’s techniques for calming down felt very far away. 

“I--” she didn’t know what to say. Deny it! her brain screamed at her, but she’d forgotten how to talk. 

VANESSA: Vanessa heard the whispers before she knew what was going on. It was hard not to. Everyone in the cafeteria seemed to be whispering about the same thing and even though Vanessa was trying to have a conversation with Blake and Jess about their respective cartoon sexual awakenings, all she could hear was people whispering about some YouTuber. 

Did you know she’s actually CaNDyPoP101?!

I can’t believe we’ve been working with a celebrity!

Oh my gosh, do you think I could get her to collab on something with me?

Pfft, no wonder she got into the program even though she can’t even adjust a telescope. 

Vanessa rolled her eyes and said something snarky to Blake. In the corner of her gaze, she saw Candace, just a couple of tables away. She thought about getting up and saying hi. They’d come to the auditorium separately, because they were in different programs, and because of that, they left separately. And if this had been a few weeks ago, Vanessa would’ve flagged her over after the talk. But she wasn’t sure what was going on.

They’d more or less silently made up after whatever weird fight, even though neither of them had actually acknowledged it. Vanessa showed up one afternoon with Candace’s Taco Bell order and the two of them silently watched an episode of Ru Paul’s Drag Race. But that didn’t mean they hung out when they weren’t in their apartment. Vanessa had her friends and Candace… well, Vanessa wasn’t sure what she was up to, but she was sure Candace had friends. Candace was the type of person to always have friends. People flocked to her, because she was just so smiley and bright and — 

And yeah, of course someone was talking to her now. Why wouldn’t they be? 

“I’m going to ask Candace if she wants to sit with us,” Vanessa said to her friends abruptly. She stood up and walked over to where Candace was sitting and it was only then that she noticed something seemed… off about Candace. Her face was pale and the reagents around her felt like tight, sharp spikes. 

“Uh, did I interrupt something?” Vanessa asked, completely aware that she was interrupting something. 

CANDACE: Candace was still panicking internally, the dominoes falling into place. Someone knew she was CaNDyPoP101. Everyone knew she was CaNDyPoP101. When she had first written the songs and started CaNDyPoP101, she had kept her identity secret because stranger danger on the internet and she didn’t want things to blow up just because she was Lindana’s daughter. She wanted to go viral because people liked her songs. 

It had taken a year for that to happen. She had been 17, just about to turn 18 and the song was about plankton of all things. 3 million views later, and catching a friend downloading the song into their iPhone and Candace was glad she’d kept her identity a secret from everyone but Stacy, her best friend in Danville. The last thing she had wanted was to be labeled as a nerd. 

And now, she didn’t want anyone to know because they would think she was a fake. Not serious enough. CaNDyPoP101 were pop songs about science anyway. No real scientist would take it seriously. 

“What?” Candace blinked owlishly, jerking in Vanessa’s direction. Her nails were digging into her skin. “Uh—“ 

“No, but if you want an autograph you have to wait, I asked first,” the green haired person said. 

“That’s my—roommate,” Candace blurted, her face bright red. 

“What’s going on?” Brittney popped up with a pleasant smile on her perfectly pink lips. 

“I was asking Candy for her autograph,” the green-haired person said. 

“Oh. Why? I mean, the songs are pretty good I guess but, like, they’re super basic. They don’t have any real science,” Brittney said. “Which, I totally get why you do it that way, Candace.” 

Candace said nothing. 

VANESSA: It took Vanessa a second to figure out what the hell was going on. 

And then it all clicked.

Candace was CaNDyPoP101?! Like, that internet person who kept popping up everywhere? Who Vanessa couldn’t escape and at first she’d found the songs kinda annoying, but then they became a guilty pleasure, and okay, maybe she had the Solar System one memorized now? 

“They’re catchy songs, Brittany,” snapped Vanessa. She didn’t know why but she suddenly felt defensive of Candace. Maybe it was because Candace looked like she was shrinking in her seat, like the flurry of anxious reagents around her was swallowing her whole. It almost reminded her of when she’d found Candace in the bathroom —

Okay, not quite that bad. Not bad enough that Candace was gonna kiss her, at least.

Still, though —

“I’d like to see you do better. Especially since your singing voice sounds like a cat in heat. Your rendition of “Oops! I Did It Again” at intern karaoke keeps me up at night.”

Brittney blinked.

“I was just saying the songs aren’t that deep, that’s all. That’s probably smarter, though. Makes them really popular with people who want to seem smarter.” 

CANDACE: Candance couldn’t believe this was happening. She had been so careful. Not even her brothers or parents knew that she was CaNDyPoP101. It had just been something silly she’d started just for fun and it had snowballed into something so big. She didn’t want people to know because she liked the anonymity. People got weird about pseudofamous people. Take her mom for example. 

“Yeah!” the green-haired girl said, glancing at Brittney and then crossing her arms at Vanessa. “There isn’t anything wrong with basic. That’s why they’re so catchy.”  

“Hey, Candy, isn’t your mom, like, famous? Did she show the songs to producers she knows?” 

Candace’s face went bright red. Brittney would only know that if she had Googled her family. Or stalked Candace’s Instagram. It wasn’t that Candace hid that her mom was late 80s pop sensation Lindana, but--she didn’t really talk about it either. For the same reason that she didn’t tell people that she was CaNDyPoP101. Because people would think she hadn’t done it on her own. Because she probably hadn’t…

Candace was so deep in her whirlpool in her anxiety, she hardly even noticed Vanessa was, like, hardcore defending her. She just kind of nodded at Brittney.

“Gosh, that is so cool. No wonder you got into the program. Have you written a song about NASA? You totally should. I am sure they’d love to put it on the social media accounts.” 

VANESSA: Something felt off about this whole exchange. 

Namely, Candace’s friends or whatever were being really fucking rude. Oh, no, not like blatantly rude. They were doing the thing that Vanessa hated, which was making rude things sound like nice things, when really they were just being absolutely bitchy. Vanessa preferred people being rude to her face and if they had mean things to say, they should just say them without making themselves feel better. 

“Are you trying to say that Candace only got into the program because of these songs?” asked Vanessa outright, because she could not deal with these stupid little passive aggressive digs any more.

Brittany or Brittney or whatever her name was blinked. 

“What? I never said that — are you saying that?”

“Don’t give me that bullshit,” snapped Vanessa. “You know what you’re saying.”

“I mean, I’m just saying that it makes sense that someone mega popular would get into the program —”

“If that was the case, wouldn’t our bosses be making a big deal about it? Like, making us take more pics and putting Candace in them? Literally, why would they hide this? They’d be putting her on the front page of the website and making her do a collab for the telescope!”

CANDACE: Brittany was totally implying that she only got into the program because of her stupid singing blog. Which Candace already knew. She had a feeling ever since she’d gotten the acceptance. Nothing else made sense. What? Candace got accepted because she had taken a few voluntary science classes? Fat chance.

She felt ready to cry, her throat was totally closing up and it was hard to breathe. The plastic fork that she’d been holding started to cut into her skin, though the pain kept her sort of grounded, so she didn’t just start fucking sobbing in the middle of the cafeteria. There were already enough people looking at them and whispering. 

Her brain was fuzzy white noise. The only thing that cut through was Vanessa’s voice, sharp as a knife. Candace blinked and her head turned towards the other girl. 

“Well, they don’t want to make it seem like they’re playing favorites, but we’ve definitely included her in the social media internship,” Brittney scoffed.

Candace reached out with the hand that wasn’t holding the plastic fork and grabbed Vanessa’s wrist. “Can we just--go?” she rasped, her lip wobbling.

“Ohmigod, I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you!” said the green-haired girl.

Brittney just rolled her eyes. “She’s just trying to get attention. You know she went to school for acting, right?” 

VANESSA: Without even realizing what she was doing, Vanessa looped an arm around Candace’s shoulder, dragging her close. Candace was still sitting, so that meant that her head kinda hit against Vanessa’s hip. It was a bit awkward, but Vanessa wanted to hold Candace, put herself between Candace and these bitches. 

Part of her wanted to yell — to make fun of Brittney’s stupid glittery phone case or the BTS pin on her bag. Part of her wanted to make some dig about Brittney’s own major, but to be honest, Vanessa didn’t know much about Brittney or what she was studying in school. But the biggest part of her —

Well, she just wanted to get Candace out of there.

“If she wanted to get attention,” Vanessa snapped, “then she would’ve told us all the first day.” She tilted her head at Brittney and narrowed her eyes. “Wow,” she drew out the word long, smacking her lips together. “You’re really not very smart, are you?” 

She helped Candace up and with an arm around her waist, Vanessa pulled her away from the ogling crowd. 

CANDACE: Vanessa pulled her up.

Candace was glad. Her legs were asleep. She stumbled as she got her legs untangled from the cafeteria bench. Reaching over, she grabbed her bag but abandoned her food. Her breath was ragged. She was pretty sure that Vanessa could hear her, which was embarrassing, but she couldn’t think about that. She needed to think about something else.

The walk from the cafeteria into the hallway felt incredibly long. She needed to do something before she collapsed.

Look for five things. Everyone staring at her. Vanessa’s shoe had an aglet missing. The black of her pants didn’t match the black of her shirt. The fact with every step she took, Candace could see a sliver of her pale ankle. Her black nail polish was chipped, Candace could see it from where Vanessa still had her arm around her waist. 

She could feel Vanessa’s arm around her; her and was kind of sweaty. She could feel Vanessa’s hair tickling her cheek. Feel her breath on her ear. Feel her body jostling against the other girl’s. Feel her breath on her ear. 

She could hear Vanessa’s breath. She could hear people murmuring as they passed by. The sound of forks scraping at plates.

She could smell the cafeteria food--pizza. She could smell Vanessa. She smelled like her horrible cheap perfume she used to spray everywhere. She smelled like sweat and her vanilla shampoo. And a bit sharp like oil which must’ve gotten on her clothes at some point. 

They stepped into the hallway.

Candace’s heart rate had calmed down a bit and she didn’t think she was gonna spiral into a full on panic (or, at least, that she had drawn herself back from one), but when she blinked she was crying. She pulled away from Vanessa and stepped across the hall. 

“Sorry,” she sniffled. “No one was supposed to--” Her lip wobbled. She felt pathetic. “No one was supposed to find out.” 

VANESSA: “I don’t know why they’re being so weird about it,” said Vanessa, because, well, that was exactly how she felt. She leaned on the wall, arms crossed over her chest, slumped down a little bit. “So you’re secretly responsible for some really catchy songs? So what? 

It did put a lot in perspective for Vanessa, though. Like, how Candace had actually been interested in science and space and stuff before this internship and just hadn’t told anyone before. That made more sense than her waking up one day and suddenly deciding that theater wasn’t her thing anymore. 

She looked at Candace now, quietly flicking her eyes across the hallway. The frantic storm of reagents around Candace was still there, though now that they had left the cafeteria, it had thinned out some.

“Look, if you’re worried about what Brittney said, don’t be,” said Vanessa. “You have better grades than me! So, maybe they did take a chance on you — but great scientists can come from anywhere, you know? Like, Hedy Lemar! She was an actress and an inventor. So, really Brittney’s being, like, super anti-feminist if she’s dismissing you for doing theater.”

Vanessa was rambling. Rambling to fill the silence, because Candace was sniffling and Vanessa didn’t want her to sniffle. 

She reached a foot to nudge Candace on the shin. 

“My three words of wisdom: fuck the haters.”

CANDACE: That was Vanessa for you.

Fuck the haters.

She had always been like that and it had always annoyed Candace. She had, also, always sort of admired it. Half her irritation came from…jealousy? Something like that. Candace wished it was that easy for her. That she could just say fuck the haters and do whatever she wanted, not caring what others thought of her. But Candace couldn’t do that, because she grew up with a mom who was obsessed with the five seconds of fame she’d gotten over twenty years ago. And a brother who made it his mission to upstager her at every turn. Candace had always been criticized for seeking attention. Which was what it felt like to her. Doing things against the grain. It was attention grabbing. Attention seeking. 

Still, the advice made a watery smile come to her lips. 

Everyone is crazy.

“Yeah, easy for you to say,” Candace finally said with a little scoff, but there wasn’t any heat behind the words. There was another moment of silence. “Er, thanks for, uh--sticking up for me.” She reached up to rub at the tear tracks on her face, trying not to smear her makeup as she did so. “You didn’t have to do that. I’m, uh,  gonna go clean up in the bathroom but…” she took a shaky breath and glanced up at Vanessa from beneath her lashes. She crossed her arm over her chest, grasping at her elbow.

“Do you think it’s okay if I eat my lunch with you?” 

VANESSA:  “Oh yeah!” It came out a little too enthusiastically. Vanessa tore her gaze away from Candace and shrugged. “I mean, if you don’t mind an animated discussion about which cartoon characters were our sexual awakenings.”

She got the feeling that Candace didn’t really like her friends, which was, like, valid. They were very different from Candace’s friends back in Swynlake, who were all, like, very normal (and also … incredibly straight? What was up with that? Well, Vanessa got some #bisexual vibes from Rose, but maybe that was wishful thinking on her part). 

“I mean, hopefully they paused the conversation for me.” She snorted a little and then leaned onto the wall, stuffing her hands into the pockets of her baggy pants, before adding, “And, uh, no problem. You don’t have to make a big deal about it or anything.” 

Her cheeks burned a little and she looked at the floor, kicking an imaginary something on the ground.

CANDACE: Candace had just gotten her final grades.

And, yeah, she’d failed her theater workshop. Of course she had failed her theater workshop. Her professor had told her she was going to fail “after that stunt you pulled.” Candace had almost wanted to ask what stunt? It hadn’t felt like a stunt to her. It had felt like the only possible outcome. She hadn’t had a choice. But, she had lost her voice somewhere between forgetting her lines on stage and screaming at Atta afterwards.

The last few days, she’d been hollowed out. 

But seeing that grade: failed, actually typed out on her transcript--it was the final nail in the coffin. Her theater career was probably over now and what was she supposed to do? She wasn’t worth anything if she couldn’t even act. Her mother had invest so much in her acting classes, her dance classes, her music classes, her singing classes. A whole fortune had been spent and Candace had wasted it. Had become a failure, just like her father had probably always seen in her.

He had gotten out before she really tanked. Her mom was probably wishing she had done that too.

Candace felt her breath hitch in her chest from where she was sitting at her desk. She slammed her laptop down, trying to catch her breath but it only got worse, until she felt like there wasn’t any oxygen in the room. That didn’t make sense, but Candace didn’t think about why. She was a scientist at heart and that was telling her that, according to her body’s response, there was no atmosphere in this room. She had to go somewhere else.

She stumbled into the bathroom, not even bothering to turn the light on, fumbling with the lock. At the sink, she turned on the faucet and ran her hand under the water, slapping it onto the back of her neck, trying to cool herself down, but there still wasn’t any oxygen. She slid down onto the floor, turning and curling up against the cabinets, putting her head between her knees and squeezing her eyes shut. 

VANESSA: Vanessa opened the bathroom door, switched on the light, and promptly screamed.

What? She wasn’t expecting anyone to be inside the dark bathroom. She certainly wasn’t expecting to see a figure curled up next to the cabinets, and for a moment, she wondered if some sort of sniveling creature had crawled in from the vents and was now living in the joint bathroom. But then her eyes adjusted and she realized that the crying creature was actually Candace.

Vanessa blinked. Candace? 

Yeah, yeah, they shared a bathroom, but running into another person using it happened so rarely, because they all had a pretty good system going where whoever was in the bathroom made sure to turn the lights on when they used it. And also lock it.

Vanessa was about to snap and say something about how she needed to shower and Candace could do whatever it was she was doing somewhere else, but then it did hit her that Candace was crying and didn’t look so hot, so she bit back those words and swallowed them like a bitter pill.

(They went down easier than she expected). 

“Uh,” she said, taking a step towards Candace and gently prodding at Candace’s foot with her own. “Do you… need anything…?” 

CANDACE: The door banged open and there was a shriek, but Candace barely heard it. Barely flinched. She was already in a wind tunnel, her own breath and blood rushing through her ears, making it impossible to hear anything else. Hell, she could barely feel her body. Her arms were wrapped around her knees, fingers pressing tightly into her skin. 

She couldn’t even think about how stupid she was not to lock the door. How embarrassing it was to be found the way she was. Or how it was all worse because it was Vanessa, who wouldn’t waste anytime spreading this around campus to every single person. Ruining Candace’s life and her authority. No one respected girls who cried in bathrooms so hard that she thought she might die.  

Candace could think of none of that. Only the fact that she felt like she couldn’t breathe. Her sobs were silent, but there were followed each time by a ragged sound, a clicking, shuddering in her chest, she felt like a machine that had been built all wrong and was now rusting. Ready to fall apart. 

Something nudged her foot and Candace jerked her head up, wishing she was a pufferfish, or another animal with aposematism, so that she wouldn’t have to find the words. For a moment, she just stared at Vanessa, eyes wide, mascara smeared on her face. She reached up and scrubbed her sweater sleeve across her eyes. 

“Go a-away,” she managed to rasp, gathering her sweater sleeves in her fingers and pressing them to her eyes. She bent over and shook her head. “Just—leave.”

VANESSA: The cloud of reagents around Candace was thick and dark, like the sort of smog she’d seen in pictures of Los Angeles. Vanessa couldn’t figure out what it all was, not without really studying Candace, which she knew wasn’t the move right now. But it was the sort of smog that Vanessa was certain would choke Candace if left unattended.

And, y’know, even though Vanessa and Candace had had their differences, Vanessa wasn’t about to leave Candace alone in the bathroom —

She darted out. Quickly, but only to pour a glass of water from her Brita filter. And before she could tell herself this was a bad idea and that she was probably the last person that Candace wanted to see, Vanessa slipped back into the bathroom and crouched down on the floor. She placed the glass on the floor then nudged it forward.

“You should drink something,” she said. “I always get a headache if I cry and don’t drink something.”

CANDACE: Vanessa actually did as she was told and left Candace alone. For once, she actually listened. Why couldn’t she have just done that months ago? So many things would’ve been easier. 

It felt--different now. As soon as Vanessa disappeared, Candace felt cold and alone again. Like a cloud had passed in front of the sun. She didn’t understand it and she wasn’t really in a state to think too much about it, but she felt it in her body which was still tense and trembling as she tried to catch her breath. And she felt it in her heart, which was wringing like a sponge. There was nothing left inside of it. Vanessa left and Candace was truly alone.

Wasn’t that what she wanted?

No, whispered a voice. She didn’t know whose it was. Maybe her own. Maybe it was some stupid spell Vanessa had cast. 

Candace pressed her eyebrows into her knees and continued to cry. The big, heavy kind of sobbing that came when there was nothing left. Her face was sticky from tears and snot. Her ears were hot and her arms were beginning to ache with how tight she was holding them around her knees. 

There was a sound. Something knocked clumsily against her foot. She didn’t look up, but she heard Vanessa’s voice. She was back. She had come back. Candace screwed her eyes shut tighter, crying harder, wetter--but softer, her whole body shaking. She wasn’t alone--but why did that make her want to cry even more? 

She wanted to reach out for Vanessa. To lean forward and collapse into her arms. To tell her to put some curse on her so she’d never cry again. 

Instead, she just shook her head where it was still pressed to her knees and gasped. “I-I can’t.” 

VANESSA: Vanessa didn’t know why she did what she did. She wasn’t thinking, maybe. That’s what she’d tell herself later.

What Vanessa did was get on her knees and lift the glass of water. What Vanessa did was lean forward, so close to Candace that she could smell Candace’s perfume (and she knew how it smelled, because of course she did. Because she’d spent a year pretending she hated it). What Vanessa did was hold the glass up to Candace’s head and then gently reach her other hand around the back of Candace’s neck.

Her fingers wrapped around Candace’s hair.

Vanessa swallowed.

She was not going to overthink this.

“Slowly lift your head up,” she instructed. “I can help you. It’s just a small step. You can do that, right? You can do it. I know you can. I’ve seen you help the drunk freshman get back to their rooms, you can totally do this. It’s just lifting your head. I have the glass, okay?”

CANDACE: Something soft touched her head, stroked at her hair. She felt it tingle all the way up and down her spine, like every neuron was firing at once. It stuttered her breathing and she was able to hold it, just as long as the sensation lasted. Vanessa’s fingers were cool on the back of her neck. The touch grounded her, pulled her back into her body, where she could feel the aching of her muscles from the way she had curled herself so tightly. 

She lifted her head as Vanessa coaxed her. She wasn’t sure why, she couldn’t explain it. The feeling inside of her was as complicated as particles and atoms. They changed and moved and shifted in ways that defied all logic but felt as true and instinctual as breathing. Her watery gaze met Vanessa’s and all she could think about was how warm her dark eyes looked, like twin suns. 

Her gaze flickered to the glass as Vanessa brought it closer. Candace was still crying and hiccuping but it was softer now and as the water touched her lips, she drank it in on instinct, all her muscles working to help keep her alive. 

Her hand unclenched from around her legs and she reached up to grab the glass, so Vanessa didn’t have to hold it. She leaned back against the cabinets and lowered the glass, which trembled in her hands as she continued to cry, more softly now. Her face was still hot and red, but at least she didn’t feel like she’d been airlocked in a decompression unit. 

“Thanks,” she sniffled. “S-sorry.” She was aware enough to be embarrassed now, her face hot and red for an entirely different reason. “I didn’t—I mean—if you t-tell anyone—” The threat felt flat. She wasn’t even sure what she was going to say. Instead, she just lifted her shaky hand up and took another sip of the water. 

VANESSA: “I’m not gonna tell anyone,” Vanessa snapped. It wasn’t as sharp as it could’ve been and really, she only said it because she felt like she was supposed to. Now that Candace was holding the glass on her own, Vanessa dropped her hands, unsure of where to put them.

(She could still feel Candace’s hair tickle her fingers, like the reagent had jumped out on its own and imprinted onto her skin). 

She leaned back against the cabinet, pulling her knees to her chest and resting her chin on them. 

“Why would I tell anyone at this point? If I wanted to tell people, I would’ve already.” She said this matter-o-factly, like she was correcting someone at a math problem or pointing out the wrong type of reagent in a spell. Her head lolled to the side and she peered at Candace, raising her eyebrows.  “All I’d have to do is take out my phone. But I didn’t. So.” She stuck her tongue out. “That counts for something. I guess.” She paused, then quickly added. “You don’t have to say thank you. We can just not talk about this ever again.” 

CANDACE: Candace snorted. The smile flickered on her face like a light whose circuit wires had come loose. She couldn’t hold it. Her green eyes slid towards Vanessa and she looked at her, feeling like she was seeing her clearly for the first time--with her dark hair and dark eyes, the elegant slope of her nose and her plush pink lips. Her gaze lingered for a moment before she looked away again. Maybe it wasn’t just a circuit loose, but a few screws too. The room felt warm, but Candace shivered.

She wanted to ask Vanessa why she was being so nice, but she thought she knew the answer. Candace was too pathetic for even Vanessa to make fun of her right now. Which felt like a new kind of low. Vanessa always had something to nitpick about Candace. Her high-pitched voice, her need for order, her clothes or her stupid hair dryer. There was always something. 

Right now, there felt like there was nothing. Candace felt stripped and laid bare. She put her chin on her knees and pulled the skin on the back of her hand, watching it slowly go back down. She was dehydrated. She took another sip of her water. 

“You can say whatever you want,” Candace said, her voice bitter. “Everyone already knows I’m crazy. I don’t have any friends left.” Her lip wobbled and her eyes filled with tears again.   

VANESSA: “I’ll tell you a secret, Candace.” Vanessa dropped her voice lower. Her head was still turned to the side and she was still peering at Candace from an almost awkward angle. But she preferred this awkward angle, because the other option would be to sit in front of Candace and look right into her eyes, and to be honest, Vanessa didn’t know if she could do that without feeling like screaming. Not in a bad way. In a weird way. In a way that made her heart feel like it was gonna launch itself out of her chest and smash onto the floor.

She tilted her head a little closer, like she was really telling that secret.

“Everyone is crazy. Some people are just better at hiding it. And some people wear it loud and proud on their sleeves, ‘cuz they know it’s better to just get that crazy out there in the first place, because otherwise when people find out… then they leave.” She said that last part softer than she said the rest, turning her face forwards and shrugging a little. “The way I see it, if they leave you, then they weren’t your friend in the first place. Only the real ones stick around for the crazy. And there’s nothing wrong with crazy.”

She stuck her foot out so it hit the tub, her other knee pulled towards her chest, and she leaned forward so that her chest rested on that thigh and her head lay on her knee, her long hair nearly touched the tile floor. She could see Candace now, in all her snotty, weepy glory, and there was something about the way the light in the bathroom hit her hair that — 

“What I’m saying is, you’re wrong. You have friends who will stick by you no matter what. And this isn’t the worst thing you could’ve done, y’know?” She wrinkled her nose. “I heard about this one bitch who tried to sneak in paintball guns and got her roommate really upset.” 

CANDACE: Candace didn’t want to hear a secret from Vanessa. 

That was a lie. She desperately wanted to. The want surprised her. It felt like an electric current under her skin and she stood very still, like if she moved, the electric shock would jump from her to Vanessa. They were sitting close enough, Vanessa’s warm side jostling her slightly as she shifted. Her eyes flicked towards Vanessa, cautious--trying to hide the way she wanted desperately to cling to something and, somehow, in this moment, Vanessa was that piece of driftwood, keeping her from drowning in the river of her own tears.

Everyone is crazy.

Candace didn’t believe that. If that was true, why would people leave, like Vanessa said. If everyone was crazy, the world would be a nicer place. Candace wouldn’t feel the need to try so hard to not be crazy, to ignore the way her brain itched and scratched. Vanessa had always worn it proudly. Candace had always hated it. She had hated Vanessa for being so brash and loud and unapologetic. She hated it because she wanted to be like that…

She wasn’t brash or loud now, though. In fact, she looked very softed. Her lips plush and pink. Candace had never noticed how full they were. (Yes, she had. Several times.) Candace looked away, reaching up her sweater sleeve to scrub at her face. But she looked back.

She looked back because she felt like she couldn’t not look back. Like they were magnets, caught in the same magnetic field, opposite poles. Attracted the way magnets attracted.

Candace laid her cheek on her own knees, staring at Vanessa. Their faces were very close, she could feel Vanessa’s warm breath. 

“Yeah,” she said, her voice soft, just a breath. She didn’t know what she was agreeing to, because she didn’t know if she believed Vanessa. 

Instead of trying to figure out what she meant, she just closed the gap  between them and pressed her lips to Vanessa’s. 

VANESSA: Vanessa wanted to say she could see it coming, but she didn’t. She blinked and suddenly Candace was kissing her and then in that next moment, she kissed Candace back.

She kissed Candace, and Candace’s lips were very soft and even though she’d  been crying and snotty and gross, kissing her felt like nothing Vanessa had ever felt before. That was a cop out. Kissing Candace felt like light. Kissing Candace felt like a confession, whispered urgently, one that she couldn’t believe was being uttered out loud. Kissing Candace felt like she was taking a deep breath and when she hadn’t realized she was holding her breath this entire dang time. 

Vanessa pushed forward slightly. She wasn’t thinking at all — about Candace crying in the bathroom, about the fact they both had roommates that could walk in, about the fact that this was Candace. The only thing invading her brain was Candace and her hair and her lips and her perfume.

Suddenly, everything made sense. And nothing made sense at the same time. Her brain felt like it was going to explode, like she was a ticking time bomb that Candace had somehow triggered, only she was kinda excited to see what would happen when everything went boom. 

Vanessa liked it when things exploded. She liked it when things were loud and brash and bold. She liked the chaos, reveled in it, wore it loud and proud like a freak flag. 

There was nothing more chaotic than this.

Something about that thought made her pull away sharply. She was still close enough to Candace that Vanessa could feel the heat from her body and she could still taste Candace’s lips on her own. But her gaze fell.

Candace was only doing this because she was crying in the bathroom. Candace was only doing this because she felt crazy, and, well, there was no one crazier in this whole dormitory than Vanessa.

“Don’t do something you’re gonna regret in the morning, sweetheart,” she said, trying to tease Candace a bit, but it felt hollow in her mouth. She swallowed that feeling, closing her eyes and tilting her head back. The next words she said ached in the center of her chest, but she knew she had to say them. “If we’re going to walk out of here pretending nothing happened, it’ll be easier if we just stop.”

CANDACE: Everything stopped. 

It didn’t, not actually. The Earth was still spinning at 1,000 miles per hour. At 66,000 around the sun. And the sun was orbiting the center of the Milky Way.  And the Milky Way was moving too, in a blur of motion, circling around the Andromeda galaxy. And that was all spinning towards the Virgo Cluster. 

But kissing Vanessa weighed Candace down. The gravity compounded, pressing her into the earth, to the cool tiles beneath her. She felt heavy and warm and calm. Her heart slowed. She didn’t think about the why. All she thought about Vanessa’s lips, which were rough and chapped, because of course they were. She thought about her dark hair, surprisingly soft where Candace’s hand had reached up to hold the side of her head, stroking the locks. There was Vanessa’s smell too, flooding her senses. Something damp and earthy, like the awful candles she would light that Candace complained about. It smelled good. Candace wanted to bury herself in it. 

What a relief, she found herself thinking vaguely. An echo in the back of her mind that sighed and let go. 

Vanessa jerked away, the kiss ending with a snap. Candace drew in a sharp breath, feeling like she’d just been shocked. 

What the fuck was she doing?!, kissing Vanessa? Of all people! Kissing someone who hated her. Kissing someone who she hated. 

She wanted to say something, jump to her own defense, but she could only watch Vanessa as she closed her eye. Leaned her head back. Her long, pretty throat exposed. Candace wanted to bite it. She dug her nails into the palms of her hands, cheeks burning bright red. Vanessa was rejecting her? This was a new low. 

“Like anyone would believe it, anyway,” she hissed, the words twisted in her throat. She got up, clumsily enough—still shaking and weak—that she knocked over the half empty cup of water. It spilled across the ground between them. She took a step back, turned, paused—