#cantkeepdoingthis

Keep doing this to myself. The back and forth. The 'what was' the 'if only l' or the 'if I would've just said'.

What's done is done.

Lessons have been learned. It is because of all the emotional turmoil that I am able to look at myself in the mirror, say "you did your best, champ". To live is not to have loved, but to live IS TO LOVE and be LOVE. To this day

I.

Still.

Don't.

Think.

You. EVER. Loved Me.

Until you realized I was really leaving you.

I feel I was a convenience to you. A body to hold, warmth at night. At one time, a listening ear. Now all I hear is Blah..Blah..Blah. Sure, you called me immature for that; but I was mature enough to walk away from the toxcity that was beginning to eat away at my soul.

I'll never get those pieces of me back. Ever.

It's all copestetic tho, I feel better without them.

You were my answered prayer; I thought my saving grace.

I can't keep doing this to myself.

What it was, was a series of events in our lives that painted a picture of happily ever after. In the end all I could see was a montage rage, pain, spite. Control; just because i thought you had that authority

Over me.

You repeatedly said you didn't know what love was;

love is what i gave you.

-well, I did my best to show you. Past neglect not only blinded you but numbed your heart

To me As well.

Now? Now you see me and all the attempts I made to show you what it meant to me be loved unconditionally. How I loved you past your past, your pain, your walls, your barriers, your self loathing.

I hated that the most. I hated how I just gave and gave and gave without thinking what about me?

I eventually came around to realize you didn't know what to do with me, with who I was, with the love I gave you.

it all I felt like a waste of time; pain I'd have to feel until it finally dissipated itself within every fiber of my being, creating a core of the fiercest burning passion I've come to know.

Reassuring me;

It's ok to love and be love

Even if it's not reciprocated.

Recently; every time I’m leaving work on a night like tonight, it’s a bit chill but comfortable if you’d have a hoodie on, I smell a bonfire in the distance. Now for the normal person that’d probably be a smell that’d be passed over or maybe that person would wish for summer nights to get here faster but for me it brings a whole slew of emotions it’s almost hard to bear. I take in the smell of the chill crisp springish air mixed with the aroma of a bonfire nearby and I miss those nights with you just relaxing, conversating, vibing, enjoying our time together. Now although we weren’t cuddling by the fire, it still feels like we were during those times. It’s always the little things that you begin to miss and wish that things turned out very differently. I was always told that a majority of situations that make you sad or angry are a blessing/opportunity in the making. As of now I don’t believe that because I’m more disappointed in everything but I can’t hold anyone accountable but myself because I always expect more from you maybe since I’d do anything above and beyond for you without thinking twice about it. Maybe one day someone will come into my life and not play games and understand things about me and want to keep me around for awhile on the tip of having a relationship.