#cantflirt

I feel like once you hit your twenties you are in one of two groups. You know how to date and flirt, or you are so abysmally bad at it, you can’t tell when people are flirting or not. 

In case you are interested, I am in the latter category. Not just by a little. By a lot. 

You don’t believe me? Let me give you examples. 

#1). Picture me, a senior in college, helping with orientation for the wee little freshman. See me, with a guy friend I have known since sophomore year. 

Me: Dear lord, I am so excited for popcorn. (Cut to me stuffing face with popcorn rather unattractively.)

Him: Did you know that I had the biggest crush on you sophomore year?

Me: Staring blankly into his face with a mouth slightly open showing half masticated popcorn. What? I say intelligently. 

Him: Yea, biggest crush. I asked you out like 3 or 4 times. 

Me: Uhhhh...really. Was I there for this? 

Him: Yea, you either made it a group thing for class or just laughed it off. But I was serious. 

Me: Uhhh, sorry?

Think that was a “one-time” situation? Dear lord, I wish. Let’s cue to the time I am sitting in a bar with a friend, eating mozzarella sticks and having a beer. 

Guy walks up right next to me where I am sitting at the bar. 

Guy: Oh those look good. 

Me: Glance over quickly. Oh, they are really good. Highly recommend them. Sometimes you just need fried cheese you know. Turn away from him. 

Guy: Yea, sometimes you just need some comfort food and good conversation and maybe meet some new people to have a really good time. 

Me: Not looking at him, picking up a new mozz stick. Mhmm. 

Friend kicks me. I look up at her. She mouths “He’s flirting with you.” I turn with the mozz stick on the way to my mouth. I bite and liquid cheese dribbles down my shirt. I can no longer salvage my pride. 

Here’s the thing. I know that pickup lines are cheesy, but usually then you know someone thinks you are attractive enough to flirt with. Which would be great, because then I can get to the point where I can *try* to flirt back. 

So to those people who made it to their twenties and have the confidence, or radar, or whatever it is that let’s you know when people are flirting with you and how to not look stupid back? I want to say screw you. Or lucky you. Depends how bitter I am feeling.