#candle's posts

(In stark contrast to Yoshiki, who has already learnt the painful lesson of having to repress and hide a lot of who he is; he admits he loves how he can just be himself around “Hikaru”, because “Hikaru” doesn’t judge, has no notion of what’s “proper” or “acceptable”.)

And the best part is, we never see anyone shame “Hikaru” for this. People around him may be surprised or even perceive him as childish, but no one ever tells him to shut up or to act more mature. He doesn’t get labelled as “unmanly” or “effeminate” because of these qualities either (which, I imagine, would easily happen in the real world to a sixteen year old boy). At most, it makes people more protective of him (especially Yoshiki). Other kids mention he (or, probably, the original Hikaru) once fainted after watching a horror movie, but even that’s delivered as a neutral statement or maybe gentle teasing rather than biting ridicule.

This is probably old news to most of you, but I have discovered it for the first time and it struck a chord with me. (For context, I got back to my second playthrough as Yae.)

During the first rest at camp, if you talk to Astarion first out of all the companions (ignoring, for example, the pressing exclamation mark above Lae'zel's head), he's pretty upbeat and eager to engage in a brief discussion before declaring he has a lot to process (oh yes, he does).

Astarion: So, we're resting here? Turning in for the night? Astarion: Curling up in the dirt and resting is... a little novel. Astarion: I need some time to think things through. To process this. Astarion: You sleep. I'll keep watch.

From the PC's point of view it is, of course, bizarre; why would he be so perky in such circumstances? Especially given that just a few hours ago he was hysterically laughing about being doomed to turn into a monster (again). But as the day progressed, he must have come to the conclusion that his current company and circumstances aren't half bad – and compared to what we know about his past, he's right. He's having a break – finally, for the first time in 200 years. He's allowed a moment to (figuratively) breathe. There's no trace of the manipulative persona (with an exception noted below). The "nice, simple plan" hasn't been born yet. This is a short inkling of freedom. Look how his face lights up in some of the screenshots.

And his fairly high spirits in the evening are presented as a clever contrast to other companions' impatience and uncertainty. A subtle way to already set the pale elf apart.

Astarion: Shadowheart seems jumpy. Must not relish the thought of sprouting tentacles. Astarion: Understandable. Can't say I'm a fan either. It's just hard to join in when all of this feels so new.

If Astarion is talked to second (in the screens above, after Shadowheart), the beginning of the dialogue changes a little to even more blatantly emphasise the difference between his mood and that of the companion in question (he says it directly, he's unable to join the brooding; not to mention he quite frankly exposes himself by stating he's in the middle of savouring new experiences), and the rest of the dialogue goes the same. Astarion offers to keep watch and wishes you sweet dreams, unless you tell him straight you don't trust him (in which case he adopts the manipulative persona to protect himself from the hurtful, even if at this point justified, statement).

However. When I talked first to the other two companions, and only then approached him, I was immediately dismissed:

Astarion: Do you mind? I'm brooding.

Even his body language became closed off: crossed arms and only a brief eye contact before gazing to the side.

I'd like to mention this was the sequence of events I saw on my first playthrough; I hunted exclamation marks, so I first talked to Lae'zel, then to Shadowheart. I still think it's a very "organic" order, encouraged by the game itself. And when Astarion turned my attempt at a conversation down, I assumed he wouldn't talk to me at all at this point, that I probably needed a higher approval or something.

Which, I really want to stress it, makes for different "Astarion experience" for various players. I remember being genuinely surprised when people said he's so talkative from the start. What do you mean? He's so mean from the start, haha (I fell in love with the mean version anyway.) The thing is: both statements are true, after a fashion.

Seeing how it differs depending on the order makes me think of how he'd like to talk to someone else at least for a bit, but he won't reach out himself, not yet. You could say he's that kind of a "lurker" who observes other people's conversation, but isn't quite certain if he can join in without an invitation. He needs to be approached.

But when others seem too occupied with themselves, he must feel othered, excluded. You know, like that kid who's picked last to a sport team during a PE class. Reminded he's not like the rest of the people in the camp. He's not anybody's first choice. The perky mood disperses and (as I imagine) old insecurities or resentment (or both) jump right back in onto the front seat. When Astarion is ignored, even if for legit reasons, his mood is immediately soured. It shows how, in fact, fragile he is in this new situation.

Lae'zel: A monster forms inside us, and you think to be idle? Lae'zel: A monster forms inside us, yet you waste time with idle chatter.

While a similar thing happens with Lae'zel – if she's talked to second, the dialogue gets more concise with no choices on player's end, and if third, she'll only scold you – the reasons for which she doesn't like to be ignored are different. She thinks the player is wasting their time, not treating the situation seriously, and therefore endangering everyone, herself included. Shadowheart seems the most talkative regardless of order; I haven't tested it with Gale – I like to delay recruiting him for roleplaying reasons – but I imagine he'd be on the talkative side, too; feel free to let me know.

“Astarion, this was my place,” you might try to argue.

I wanted to emphasise that the fact that “Hikaru” can be described – at least in human terms – as aroace, and the fact that his relationship with Yoshiki is some equivalent of queerplatonic, does not “erase” the queerness of the story. To the contrary: it IS queerness. Just of the kind that’s rarer, less talked about and often misunderstood within the queer community itself. And that’s precisely the reason why this story is so beautiful and incredibly important.

I also wanted to point out another significant thing that happens in chapter 38-3: “Hikaru” gets acknowledged as his own person, not just a replacement for the real Hikaru. By talking about the difference in his feelings towards both of them, Yoshiki affirms they’re two separate people, and that he cares about both as persons; it’s not just a body he wants, that would be twisted. The fact that he has formed a different sort of connection with “Hikaru”, something that is its own thing and not just an echo of the past irrevocably gone is, again, beautiful and incredibly important. It affirms the personhood of “Hikaru” (whatever he is) and shows that Yoshiki is maybe finally ready to move on.

You know it's funny, at first I thought I was trapped by the shadows – cursed to live in them forever. But in time, I realised that darkness is as much a part of me as my fangs. This is only a curse as long as I refuse to embrace the shadows. So I decided I would.

I love how the choice between ascending and forgoing the ritual is designed: ascension grants an immediate reward (and thus presents an alluring temptation), but requires mass slaughter; letting go of the power comes at a personal cost, but saves lives and gives victims a second chance. If it was any other way, there would be no story in this choice; no dilemma, no conflict, nothing memorable.

I also think it’s crucial how in the spawn route, we see Astarion not only in high spirits (When I look at my future, anything and everything feels possible now), but also grieving. While he doesn’t regret his choice, he does feel sorry for his personal loss – which is natural and valid. And while I love that we can promise him to look for another way to walk in the sun again (after all, the Forgotten Realms are full of wonders – and the whole Multiverse even moreso), I also consider the narrative of him coming to terms with his condition (without giving up hope) much more real – and very important, at least to me.

I’d like to talk about two layers here: the more literal one, and the more metaphorical one.

The more literal one is pretty straightforward: we all have our limits in life. Some of them, we’re born with; some come up along the way; and other still are forced onto us. My first thought is neurodivergency or chronic illnesses, but I’m sure other people can name many more examples. You take medications or you go to therapy (pursuing the sun), but at the same time you just have to accept these things are a part of your reality, beyond your control. 

The more metaphorical layer makes me think of the Jungian shadow.

As some of you probably know, the Jungian shadow is the suppressed part of the psyche. It’s the facts about ourselves that are too painful or uncomfortable to acknowledge, facts we are unaware of, or facts we don’t like about ourselves and associate with shame. They make us behave in certain ways, often without us understanding why. And the more we sweep all of this under the rug of unconsciousness, the stronger the shadow becomes, constantly holding us back or making us repeat certain patterns (sometimes maladaptive) over and over.

(I’d like to emphasise that the shadow isn’t inherently “evil” – for example, we may suppress a trait or a behaviour because it’s culturally viewed as unacceptable, not because it’s objectively bad. The shadow is simply what lies uncovered, and may encompass useful and positive things as well.)

You probably already see where this is all going.

When Astarion says he has accepted the shadows as a part of him, he basically says he has learned to love himself just the way he is, without the need to become some better, idealised – and unattainable – version of himself. He has learned he is enough even with all the “less savoury” aspects – and it's clear it makes him feel free and more in control of his life.

Don’t hate me, but I think it’s more important than him literally walking in the sun. And let me reiterate – the point isn’t to forsake the sun entirely. Searching for it is an important endeavor – it symbolises making the word a better place. But I do believe accepting the shadow(s) is crucial to healing and an important first step towards any other goals.

Thank you for the tags, @litsenn and @missfortunetherogue, both your entries were interesting (and heart-rending 🥲). Gently passing the tag to @wild-surge, @elceewunjo, @izumiphoenix, @rivereverie, @spillingteanotpermitted, @darkanachronism, @ranger-jahen, @the-red-drow, @michanvalentine, @wasteful-sam.

A micro fic and some additional explanation below the cut