I really fuck with how Oczy and Badeni are both missing a big chunk of themselves when they first meet, and by interacting with each other they both become more whole. As it turns out, they both possess something the other needs.

I like how Oczy when we first meet him was ACTUALLY sort of paralleling Nowak the way he said "welp, it's my job, so..." before killing one of the guys he dueled. He didn't like his job, but he didn't know a different way of life existed. He didn't even hope that a different way of life existed. This man gave up on thinking for himself because he perceived it was pointless. It was peak learned helplessness: when Gras asked him to accompany him, Oczy couldn't decide for himself what he should do so he deferred the decision to Gras.

And then we get Badeni, who is the antithesis to all this: he makes decisions based solely on serving himself and reaching his own glory. We learn he wasn't always like this, and it is in fact a result of him being hardened by life experiences (betrayal by a colleague). His experiences taught him that collaboration is detrimental and dangerous.

But then he's forced to team up with both Oczy (and by extension, Rafal -- as he led him to the stone chest in the woods) and Jolenta (and by extension, Count Piast and HIS predecessor) and any unnamed contributors came before him (history! which he turns his nose at first) to complete the heliocentric theory.

Just some random scattered thoughts here but like:

I like how Oczy is first depicted being afraid of the night sky because it reminds him of the higher class looking down upon the lower class, and then by the throes of fate is forced to work with a well-educated guy of a higher class who doesn't hesitate to disparage him at any second of the day -- a guy who is LITERALLY his worst nightmare. <- interestingly, Badeni can't physically see Oczy very well. I wonder if Oczy knows this and unintentionally feels more comfortable being around Badeni.

I like how Badeni is hyper-individualistic while Oczy is too dependent on others, and then later we see Badeni actually trusting others to the point he leaves it up to Grabowski and fate itself to carry on his legacy -- which technically isn't even HIS legacy as it is Oczy's writing he is preserving.

I like how we go from helpless Oczy who can't bring himself to look at the night sky -- who throws decisions onto other people -- who can't imagine anything else other than misery in his life and wants to go to Heaven to be relieved of it all ... to Oczy who "wants" to see a full Venus. who "wants" to learn how to read and write. who puts down the sword (which he never liked in the first place) to pick up the pen. who picks up the sword ON HIS OWN VOLITION as he realizes he must act in order to save heliocentricism (and Badeni).

I like how Badeni goes from disparaging Oczy at every opportunity to recognizing his game and pausing to hear his opinions, and telling him he'd like to debate him at a later time.

I like how when Oczy wakes up from his coma, Nowak tells him "there are some weird guys who endure the pain" "in these cases, we have to use something more valuable to barter with: like family, friends, collaborators..." and then he brings Badeni into the room. Seeing as Oczy's been out for a week, it implies Badeni did get tortured off-camera and turned out to be "one of those weirdoes who don't crack".

...But then the ONE thing that DOES make him crack is threatening Oczy's eyeballs.

When Oczy questions Badeni "why'd you save my eyeballs if we're gonna die anyway" Badeni responds with "you have no idea how painful that is".

"That" is vague here for a reason. It could be Badeni referring to the physical pain of getting your eyeballs gouged out. It could be Badeni referring to the emotional torture of losing the ability to look up at the stars and witness God's glory -- the emotional torture of having your love (in his case, learning) ripped from you by some arbitrary power. Also I don't know much about the Christian version of Heaven but maybe he also wanted Oczy to retain his sight in the afterlife. And his actions allowed Oczy to be able to see the stars for one last time.

Chapter 1: Yeeting my application to Manga Ichiba

I logged into Twitter one day and found that there was an open call for artists looking to sell their doujins at Fanime for a manga-focused event. Prior to this, I had been a frequenter of local zine fairs and have found a paucity of fanzines being sold, so I was very excited! As I live across the country from Fanime, I wasn't sure if I would go even if I got accepted, but I thought, why not! and decided to submit my application with my circle name, "Passerby C".

I introduced a tag "#camryportfolio" to the tumblr posts that I wanted the curator of MI to look at, and included that as the "website/portfolio" field for my application. Or, so I thought. I accidentally inputted my regular degular art tag, "#camrydraws" into the field. Mind you, this tag had EVERY art I had ever posted on my 11-year old tumblr, including the rough sketches followed by paragraphs of text. In a panic, I edited every single art post I had ever made on tumblr to remove the "#camrydraws" tag if it didn't pass QC; and for those that didn't pass QC, another tag "#camrydrawnt" was introduced. We're off to a great start.

Despite my initial blunder, I got the email for my acceptance in December. At that point, I was still undecided about whether or not I wanted to table or not. The requirements were that I had to have a >= 8 page manga that I had drawn myself. I knew I already had stuff to print, like my 20-page Jayvik comic, my 16-page Tsukitsuru comic, and my 30something-page Hawks comic... I just didn't know if I wanted to actually do it. Because no matter how I spun it, as I was flying cross-country and staying all 4 days of the con, I knew the hotel and flight costs could not be recuperated in a 6 hour timeslot. I would be doing this for the love of the game--

and also as a reward to myself! <- This will be made clear later.

Chapter 2: Con prep (and other things)

Below are the calendars that I was using to keep track of my Fanime prep, which includes handcrafting my Golden Kamuy (Asirpa) cosplay as well as the prep for Manga Ichiba, which was basically formatting my books and redrawing any panels that needed reworking.

Since I was borrowing a friend's sewing machine, I decided to prioritize the Asirpa cosplay over printing my zines. (I can make a separate post about the cosplay making process if there's any interest).

I was initially planning to also print the Hawks comic (link), but during the editing process for my main two doujins (Jayvik link) (Tsukitsuru link) I became so tired of looking at my own art and decided to not print that one. It was made in 2023 and my artistic tastes had evolved way beyond what it was then TvTb. Actually, even looking at my Jayvik and Tsukitsuru which were newer was torturous. I put my whole pussy in these comics at the time, but when I look back at them now, the flaws stick out to me like neon green paint. Artists, I'm sure you understand.

Now, you may be wondering: if you're not keen on printing your old art, why didn't you make a brand new comic? Great question. For this I have a great answer.

This:

This was my graduation day. I was being awarded my Ph.D.

This meant that family was in town for the early part of May, and that January ~ April was dedicated to finishing my dissertation and preparing for the oral defense. This, on top of my desire to ✨slay✨in my cosplay, meant that I had no time to prepare anything substantial other than 1 new sticker design and 1 new minizine.

This was what I ended up bringing to Manga Ichiba:

Oh well. Let's hope I have something new for next time.

Chapter 3: Fanime Day 1

I arrived to my hotel (strategically I booked the same location as MI) a little later than I expected due to a flight delay, and opted to grab dinner instead of trying to squeeze in badge pickup at the last minute. I realized on Friday morning that this may have been a grave error on my part: I had picked up my badge and went circled back to the DoubleTree around 11:00 AM after picking up a Subway sandwich. I thought, surely, there would be plenty of books left just one hour after the A slot had started... and was devastated to know some of the doujins I coveted were sold out! I proceeded to acquire as much on my shopping list as I could. I was a little too shy to introduce myself at this time to the artists I bought from, and truthfully, I didn't want to be presumptuous and accidentally initiate a nonconsensual zine trade, so I just snuck around like a regular attendee.

As 2 PM neared (the time at which artist alley opens), I went back to my room upstairs and put on my Asirpa cosplay so I could wander the main con and be first in line to complete this Houseki No Kuni stamp rally. There was one guy ahead of me, though, and I saw him on a different day buying up stock at a table in the night slot of MI that I was also in line for. He doesn't know this, but he is my rival now.

I safely completed the stamp rally, and was finally able to relax. I wandered outside of AA to catch my breath and ran into some fellow Golden Kamuy cosplayers! We traded Instagrams (note: I hadn't updated my art Instagram since 2022;;) and decided to meet for an impromptu photoshoot. It was amazing.

I was headed back to the con, but as I was contemplating on getting in the gigantic line for the shuttle, I got a text from my friend (who I roped into the trip even though she is not a big anime person) saying she was on her way. Due to my friend Ubering me for free, I got to skip the gigantic line for the shuttle and make it in time for the opening of the Friday night slot. The night slot was even more popping than daytime, which may be due to the traffic to night market but also people were there for specific doujins and artists. I remember lining up for the circle "durian soda" (@dohu) who had a line about 30 people strong.

I am nosy, so I eavesdropped on some attendees' conversations. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that they were here specifically for certain circles and doujins, and not just because they happened to be here because of Night Market. One attendee I overheard was here specifically for every Hollanov doujin, and another was here specifically for durian soda's originals as they had been following her since her Kuroko no Basket days. I thought that was so sweet, and I hope durian soda-san had time to speak to the attendees even though the longer the line gets, the greater the (perceived) pressure is to move as quickly as possible and not make small talk.

After I got the books I wanted, I ate the rest of my Subway footlong for dinner.

Chapter 4: Fanime Day 2 (in which I didn't go to Fanime)

On Saturday morning, I touched a lot of grass with my friend. She and I went to the Santa Cruz mountains and despite an agreement to "keep it easy and chill", we ended up walking in rugged terrain for 7 miles.

We also got a flat tire on the way home, which meant that I was not going to make it to the tail end of Manga Ichiba's B slot. When we finally made it back to the hotel, my legs were tired, not so tired that I couldn't browse the Saturday night portion of MI. This was where I ran into my aforementioned "stamp rally rival" again while lining up for a huge line. I don't remember who the artist was, but I *think* they were situated near the central staircase/bathrooms and had tables to their left and right. As a result, the huge line (and curious onlookers) was blocking access to the nearby artist tables until MI staff started doing traffic control. The attendee behind me was getting agitated, saying "are people cutting in line up there?! Why's it taking so long?" to which I said "I think the artist is taking time talking to the attendees" to assuage them. I know the lines can get long, but the best thing about events like these is the opportunity to yap about your specific interests! The artist also had several books at their booth, so I would presume that once people got to the front, they had to peruse through the choices, which may have added to the wait time. I was, again, surprised: it was only day 2 of a first time event... and attendees were already getting... competitive about obtaining their books!

While in line, I was reminded of the concept of "wall" circles (壁サークル) at Japanese doujin events, in which popular circles are strategically set up on the periphery for easier traffic control. Durian Soda and this particular circle would have been a "wall" circle, and the thing is, they were set up against a wall. In fact, most of the circles had a wall behind us just from the layout of the event.

But since we were set up in a concave space, if the line got too long, it could impede traffic/visibility for adjacent booths. If MI were to be held in the same venue next year, placing the more popular circles at the tail end (booth 20-21) might not be a bad idea.

After I acquired my books and ate dinner with my friend (the Original Krung Thai btw, iykyk), I hobbled back to my room and died on the bed. My legs were in so much pain from standing on my feet all day -- so much so that the thought did cross my mind that I wouldn't be able to table the next morning.

Chapter 5: Fanime Day 3 (it's time...)

I woke up around 5:30 AM for some fucking reason. Thankfully, the ache in my legs had subsided. I knew I only had 30 minutes to set up my booth, so, trying not to disturb my sleeping friend, I made these.

I was giggling to myself as I cut these up. Others who visited my table found it funny, too. It gave me so much joy to see people pointing to these and reading it aloud.

My table setup was minimalistic, with 4 doujins and 1 free mini-zine that I was using in place of a business card, but overall I think I did a decent job filling up 6ft of space. I don't think the attendees cared all that much about an eye-catching setup. They also didn't really care about the quality of the paper. They didn't really care if a zine was printed on copier paper or had a color cardstock cover -- they just wanted the damn books. I had a plan to sell the zines with the slightly torn covers at a lower cost, but I completely blanked due to stress and just started dipping into the damaged stock at the same cost as the good copies... sorry... TvT

My stock was low to begin with. I had brought with me 8 Ichiruki, 11 Usao, 16 Tsukitsuru, and 30 or so Jayvik doujins. I thought Jayvik would be the top seller since it was crowned the most popular ship of 2025, but to my surprise, the demand for Golden Kamuy was higher! I sold out completely of my Usao, Tsukitsuru, and Ichiruki zines despite two of these being printed on my home laser printer. I actually had intended to print 15 Ichiruki, but my printer was plagued with misprints and I ended up with just 8.

For the Usao zine, I also intended to print more, but I ended up changing my mind about the dimensions halfway through the printing process and felt so guilty about using MORE paper that I just... stopped at 11. lmao.

As for the Tsukitsuru zine, I thought, surely, a zine about old man yaoi from a series that hasn't seen much popularity outside of Japan -- surely that would only beget ~5 sales max at the event? And ordered a conservative 11 copies initially: 10 for sale and 1 for display. The initial print order from MCE had a tear along the spine of the booklets, so I had them reprinted and I had 22 copies total. I decided to bring only 16 of the stock because I didn't anticipate much demand. I was pleasantly surprised. I think the demand came from the fact that I was the only circle selling Golden Kamuy stuff and that I was a non-R18 circle.

Another thing that surprised me was that, when I ran out and started telling people "it's available to read on tumblr for free", an attendee responded "I know, but I want the physical copy to hold in my hand." I also love flipping through physical pages, but part of that is still driven by a desire to know the full story, and that desire wanes if I have the option of reading it online. I am deeply flattered that people find my physical fancomics collectible enough to pay me a fee for it, even though they are free to print it themselves for personal use.

Since the crowd had started to die down by ~1 PM and I wanted to browse artist alley and watch the Masquerade at the main con, I cleared out around 2 PM instead of staying for the whole duration of my tabling slot. I still had a lot of Jayvik stock (again, surprising!), but I didn't feel confident in moving any of it, as I imagine those who really wanted the doujin would have dropped by earlier.

At the con, I was in full Asirpa costume trying to find Ogata, who was supposedly there as well, but to no avail! Next year, we must plan an actual Golden Kamuy cosplay gathering.

Chapter 6: Some personal reflections and lessons learned

Truthfully, I didn't quite keep good track of what happened on what day. This whole convention experience was just one big blur of happiness.

It may help to mention that before I moved cross-country for graduate school, I had spent most of my life in the SF Bay Area. I am a first generation Japanese immigrant: I moved from Japan to San Jose at an age when acquiring a second language was as easy as losing the first. In my youth, I yearned for anime and manga. There were no subscription services back then, so we borrowed manga from a store in San Jose Japantown and rented VHS tapes of Crayon Shinchan from a video rental store attached to Mitsuwa Marketplace. When I reached high school, however, it became less and less acceptable in my mother's eyes to "still" be into anime and manga. Despite her trying every year after I turned 16 to convince me to "graduate" from otakuism, I am convinced I can still speak, read, and write Japanese fluently because of my love of anime and manga.

Manga has allowed me to make new friends with fellow artists, cosplayers, and even the guy sitting next to me on the flight home who noticed me reading manga on my iPad. I reunited with old friends and attached faces to mutuals' usernames. I obtained more art than I had ever done at a single event in my entire life. I have always loved drawing, but this trip has only solidified in me that I am utterly in love with manga and art itself, and has shown me that there is an entire community of people who feel the same way.

I'm so glad this event exists. Previously, I had one small, low-stakes attempt at artist alley in 2018 at Kinyoobicon. I didn't cater my table to things that were "in" at the time and had a table full of my specific interests: Hunter x Hunter, Kpop, Daiya no Ace, and Ping Pong the Animation.

Admittedly, this was a trial run: I just wanted to experience what being on the other side of the table was like, and it was definitely fun to practice my setup in my room, but at the event, I just kind of sat there the whole day and didn't have a whole lot of fun. I didn't feel like I was a part of a community, and I also wasn't sure I wanted to spend my time creating more marketable merch to fully commit to being a part of the artist alley community. Even printing out my prints felt inauthentic to me, and looking back on it, I'm glad I just continued to pursue my specific interests.

Fast-forward to 2021. I started graduate school during the Covid lockdown era, and since I spent most of that time indoors, I had more time to dedicate to art. Since all of my Japanese art mutuals at the time were night owls, I would join voicecall sessions in the mornings to motivate myself to work. Eventually, I became inspired by their passion for fan manga, and because I was also very VERY invested in my Tokyo Revengers rarepair, I decided to draw my own! I had no idea what I was doing and worked in a B5 size, which is a little bigger than what I usually go for these days. After 6 months of hallucinating dialogue during my daily walks and pressing CTRL+Z, it was finished. I was very proud of it! You can read it here if you want. I printed exactly 4 copies with Mixam: one for myself and three for my friends in Japan. Since this was such a rarepair, I knew from the start that printing and distributing this doujin widely, especially in the US, would be unrealistic, but there was a small part of be that was jealous of my friends in Japan who got to attend doujin events in person with their rarepair books. Nonetheless, after I moved on from this ship, I continued to make little fancomics for my hyperfixations.

When the lockdown had ended, I began attending local indie comics festivals and zine fairs instead of anime conventions, as they were all free for general attendees and I was trying to save as much money as possible, graduate stipend and all. I gravitate toward a manga-adjacent art style, and I didn't quite find what I was looking for most of the time when I attended these zine fairs: from the hauls people have posted, I think I would probably find more of my vibe at Comitia, for example. In 2025, I attended a local anime convention and found myself amongst a sea of prints and wearable merchandise and virtually no comics or zines. I like buying prints and wearable merchandise to an extent, but I am not inspired enough to want to be on the other side of the table creating and selling these items. I have thought about applying to the zine fairs in my area, but many have a >50% originals rule, which I currently do not satisfy as 100% of my existing comics are fan comics (this will hopefully change in the future. I'm working on it!). With fan comics, I can dedicate 20 pages just to Portray A Vibe or a Capture A Specific Moment without thinking about worldbuilding and character design. I can just use these premade characters and build off of them, so I find it much easier than originals... I'm trying to make an original comic now, and it is so much fun, but so challenging. Anyway -- back on topic.

When Manga Ichiba was accepting artist applications, I felt, "finally! Somewhere I can unabashedly be behind a table filled entirely with fancomics!" And I say "being behind the table" instead of wanting to "sell my fan comics". I would give them out for free if I could, but unfortunately, it takes money to make things. Like, I just wanted the experience of being able to share something with the art community IN PERSON. With Manga Ichiba, I was finally able to feel a sense of community with both the artists and the attendees there. The artists were a part of a Discord group and seeing everybody's WIPs and process pics leading up to the event made me feel so excited and inspired. I loved small talk with the attendees while we were waiting in line. I loved being able to assign human faces to online avatars. I loved being able to slide my chair over to my table neighbor while she showed me her doujin on her iPad that she ran out of time to print!! I loved trading books with people. I loved laughing with the attendees when they noticed my silly signage. I loved the ease of just... running over to the other artists' in my tabling slot with my apron full of cash and pulling out a bill I literally just got from an attendee to buy their thin book of hyperfixations.

With that being said, I made some mistakes. I, stupidly, left stock at home not based on luggage space, but based on vibes. I listened to the demon in my head going "no one's going to want this". It's always better to have too much than too few, especially if it's already been printed and there's space in your luggage. Additionally, I priced and spent at the event based on, again, vibes and gave up way too soon on trying to be financially sound. This was the first event of its kind and I was admittedly treating myself to a vacation to celebrate my graduation, so yes, this is a bit of an anomaly --but I want my participation in future US doujin events to be long-term: whether this be investing in a better home printer and hand-binding zines or sacrificing a little bit of comfort by sharing hotel rooms with more people, I'd like to investigate cost-saving measures so I can keep my prices fair while having the revenue subsidize some of my expenses. I don't particularly want to make money off of fanwork, so I think as I transition into having more original work, I would likely price the originals a bit higher than the fanwork just because I would like to get paid for my original ideas. That's all in the future, though.

The stickers I made looks so janky with that Avery label still attached fjdsjhfjdsfh (in hindsight I should've cut it off...)

About "Harold"... Here is the context:

Here's the rest of the stickerpack and what Biktor originally looked like... he looked like he was wearing a toupee so I fixed it in the final but LMAO there is something endearing about the wig version.

Also I originally drew him SO HUGE. He almost took up the FULL CANVAS of my comic manuscript (A5 at 600 dpi). Thanks Biktor for keeping me company during the roughest of my inking sessions.

I hope Garcia stays the way she is. Detached and locked in.

IDK, as much as I perk up everytime a surgeon graces us with their presence (Emery Walsh MD aurafarming episode WHENNN??) I feel like the surgery team is cool BECAUSE they're static characters for the dynamic characters (most of the trainees + Robby) to bounce off of. It's the reaction to the static characters that allow for the dynamic characters of the cast to stand out and show growth. Ykwim?

I wonder if Santos is supposed to be an unreliable narrator here the way she mentioned she was a "social pariah" -- but is she actually being treated that way? To me it seems like their coworkers are glad Langdon's got the help he needed and people appear to be treating Santos normally -- maybe this is something that did happen off camera, but I find TEN months of continuous catty behavior to be OOC for The Pitt. They're too busy being locked in trying to save people. My spidey senses are telling me that this is Santos' being hypervigilant due to the stress and guilt she felt about doing the right thing -- and that it's not a real thing.

She's also having Not The Greatest Of Days -- like, Garcia, her "casual hookup" (apparently not casual in Santos' POV...!) is rainchecking on their date and is super happy to have Langdon back. In fact, everybody (except Robby) is SOOOO happy to have Langdon back. Meanwhile, the new attending has been on her ass all day about medical charting, and she doesn't even get thirty seconds to sit down and get caught up before she gets interrupted. I think Langdon's presence bothers her not only because of their rocky past, but because they have a lot of the same strengths. I wonder if her feeling like a social pariah is more akin to her feeling like she's being replaced by someone people have known longer and is more experienced than her.

Going back to the unreliable narrator thing: when she said to Garcia "he should have been fired" -- does she actually want him to be fired as a punishment, or is she just dreading speaking to the guy and being vulnerable? Hmm. I'm doubting her because she seems like the type to believe people can change. Like she's got a traumatic past and demons of her own -- she's her own reminder that people can overcome tremendous obstacles in life and she's written too empathetically to genuinely want Langdon to lose his job and be 100% cool with it. I think she just wants to avoid him, and if he had gotten fired, well, it would have been much more convenient than having to work with him again!