CampaignPromises

MANCHESTER, NH — In an unprecedented campaign announcement that has sent shockwaves through the political establishment, third-party candidate Marcus Singleton unveiled his groundbreaking single-promise platform Thursday, pledging to "absolutely, positively never run for president again" if elected. "My fellow Americans, I stand before you today with the most honest campaign promise in political history," Singleton declared to a crowd of increasingly intrigued voters at his campaign launch. "Unlike my opponents who promise everything from lower taxes to solving climate change, I promise just one thing: you'll never have to see my face after my term ends. Not in campaign ads, not in cable news interviews, not even in those weird political documentaries Netflix keeps making." The bold strategy has resonated with voters weary of career politicians, with recent polling showing Singleton surging to 23% among Americans who describe themselves as "completely done with this whole thing." His "One and Done" super PAC, funded entirely by citizens who want politicians to permanently go away, has already raised millions. Singleton's campaign website features nothing but a countdown clock to the end of his theoretical term and a legally binding contract promising to "fuck off into obscurity" immediately after leaving office. The site's only button reads "Click here to make me go away forever (after four years)." Political analysts are struggling to attack a candidate whose primary qualification is his commitment to future irrelevance. "How do you criticize someone who openly admits they probably shouldn't be in politics?" asked veteran strategist James Carver. "It's like trying to fact-check someone who begins every sentence with 'I might be totally wrong, but...'" The candidate's "No Second Chances Tour" has drawn surprisingly large crowds, with supporters wielding signs reading "Singleton 2024: The Last Political Ad You'll Ever See From Me" and wearing T-shirts featuring countdown timers to his political retirement. When pressed about his stance on critical issues, Singleton maintained his refreshingly vague position. "Look, we all know campaign promises are usually BS," he explained while deliberately shrugging. "So instead of pretending I have all the answers, I'm just promising to give the job my mediocre best and then disappear forever. Think of me as a substitute teacher for democracy." The strategy has proven so successful that other candidates are scrambling to match his commitment to future obscurity, creating a paradoxical race of politicians competing to quit politics faster. One rival candidate recently promised to "resign even quicker" while another pledged to "become so forgettable that people will think this election was just a weird dream." Singleton's campaign headquarters, operating out of a month-to-month lease in a strip mall, sends the same auto-reply to all emails: "Thank you for your interest. Don't worry, we won't keep your contact information. In fact, we're probably going to lose it anyway because our campaign manager is already looking for other jobs." As of press time, Singleton was leading in polls among voters who described their political affiliation as "just wanting this all to stop." When asked about his surprising success, the candidate remained true to his brand: "My fellow Americans, I promise to be the most forgettable president in history. Vote for me, and I'll set you free — permanently. Also, please don't try to follow me on social media after 2028. I'll be blocking everyone."

MANCHESTER, NH — Standing at a podium constructed entirely from recycled campaign promises, presidential hopeful Senator James P. Whitmore unveiled his groundbreaking "Hope Management Strategy" yesterday, pledging to implement strict fiscal oversight of the American public's collective hopes and dreams. "Listen, folks, nobody knows hopes and dreams better than me," declared Whitmore, adjusting his "Make Dreams Solvent Again" hat. "I've managed thousands of them, and sure, some went bankrupt, but that's just smart dream management. You have to know when to let a dream fail." The senator's bold new initiative includes the creation of the Department of Aspiration Management (DAM), a federal agency tasked with conducting quarterly dream audits and implementing hope austerity measures across all 50 states. The plan has already drawn praise from leading dreamconomists. "Senator Whitmore's proposal to store public hopes in offshore emotional accounts is exactly what this country needs," said Dr. Eleanor Matthews, chief aspirational economist at Goldman Hopes. "The hope market has been running unchecked for far too long. We're sitting on a bubble of unrealistic expectations that could burst at any moment." Under the new proposal, Americans would be required to purchase hope insurance with deductibles ranging from "slight disappointment" to "crushing existential crisis." The campaign insists this measure is necessary to prevent hope fraud and dream laundering, practices that have reportedly cost the nation billions in squandered optimism. "Look, we've run the numbers," Whitmore explained while pointing to a chart showing the declining return on investment for thoughts and prayers. "My opponent wants to give everyone free access to their hopes and dreams, but that's just fiscally irresponsible. Some Americans will need to settle for medium-sized aspirations, maybe even small ones. We call it 'trickle-down optimism.'" The campaign also unveiled a new dream deficit calculator, allowing voters to input their life goals and receive a detailed report on their emotional solvency. Early results suggest that 78% of Americans are currently living beyond their aspirational means. When pressed about his own hope portfolio, which reportedly includes significant investments in corporate daydreams and industrial-scale wish fulfillment, Whitmore dismissed concerns about conflicts of interest. "I've placed all my personal dreams in a blind trust," he assured reporters. "I can't even remember what they were, which makes me uniquely qualified to manage yours." The announcement has sent shockwaves through the political establishment, with rival candidates scrambling to release their own hope management strategies. Democratic challenger Sarah Martinez criticized the plan as "dream austerity politics as usual," though fact-checkers noted they couldn't quantify the emotional impact of either candidate's proposals. Whitmore concluded the rally by unveiling his campaign's new slogan, "Make America Realistically Mediocre Again," and invited supporters to submit their hopes and dreams for pre-approval before getting too attached to them. "The era of unregulated dreaming is over," Whitmore declared to thunderous medium-volume applause. "Under my administration, every hope, dream, and aspiration will be properly vetted, means-tested, and subject to reasonable management fees." Campaign staffers distributed dream submission forms to attendees, complete with a 47-page terms and conditions document clarifying that past emotional investments are no guarantee of future fulfillment. At press time, sources confirmed Whitmore was seen leaving the rally in a luxury vehicle powered entirely by crushed aspirations, while his campaign team worked to calculate the exact carbon footprint of the average American dream.

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